If you’ve been through a breakup with your boyfriend or girlfriend recently, I know you’re hurting. It can seem like your feelings are all over the place. You may be feeling guilty about the role you played in ending the relationship. In those moments, it’s natural to wonder if you will get back together with them or not.

It’s important to think things through before you take action. I hope these suggestions encourage you during this difficult time.

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Getting back into a relationship too soon, no matter who it’s with, doesn’t give you enough time to sort through your complicated emotions after a breakup.

There’s no “one size fits all” approach to healing after a breakup, but I would suggest checking in with yourself regularly and being honest when it comes to your feelings.

When you think about getting back together with your girlfriend or boyfriend, what other feelings come up?

• Do you feel anxious, nervous, or frantic? If so, you may be motivated by fear.
• Do you feel like it’s all your fault? Shame, not guilt may be to blame. Take time to face those feelings before making any major decisions.
• Do you feel a sense of longing that overwhelms you? If so, you may be motivated by a desire to end your loneliness.
• Do you worry that if you don’t get back together with them, you won’t be in another relationship? It may be time to explore your feelings of self-worth, and why they are so tied to whether or not you’re in a relationship.

Examining your feelings and motivations in an honest way can help you know how to move forward and what kind of support you need to heal after a breakup.

Understanding Responsibility

When I’ve had a falling out with someone I really care about, it’s so easy to blame myself, and only myself, for what happened. But the truth is, all my relationships include someone else. Responsibility for success or setbacks in relationships is shared by everyone involved.

When I’ve made mistakes in relationships, I find comfort in my faith. Praying or reminding myself of God’s boundless forgiveness keeps me from getting overwhelmed and helps me remember that He is always looking out for me, even in dark and difficult times.
If you know you did something hurtful, it is appropriate to take responsibility and to learn from those mistakes in the future. And while it is possible to get back together with your girlfriend or boyfriend, don’t jump in without knowing what they want.

Respecting Boundaries

The key to that balance is to remember that a breakup is a boundary. One or both people in your relationship have decided it wasn’t working and that time apart was the most appropriate choice. If your partner has made it clear that they do not want to get back together, it’s best to accept that. If you’re “taking a break” to figure things out, it is important to listen to their needs and respect their boundaries, while making your own boundaries clear along the way as well.

Sometimes it’s not always obvious where the boundaries are or what the next best step is. You may need advice on whether getting back together is the right decision. In those moments, asking for help and talking things through with someone who can have a more objective “bird’s eye view” is very helpful. A mentor you trust can help you see where you went wrong in past relationships and help you make a plan for how to build strong new relationships with people you want to get to know.

TheHopeLine is here for you whenever you need us. We have blogs, ebooks, and podcasts filled with real-world dating advice and free, confidential mentoring to help with healing relationships. Explore our relationship topics or talk to a HopeCoach today. We are here to listen anytime.

Are you ready to give up on finding a meaningful relationship? Read this article to find out the secret behind a healthy relationship. 

Hi! My name is Emilee. I've had a lot of ups and downs in my 14 years of living. Here are a few things that I've dealt with...anxiety about a friend self-harming, my Christianity, my sexuality, my mother's mental health and how it affected me and my family.

No One To Talk to Until I Found TheHopeLine

I had no one to talk to and no one to hear me. No one answered my cries for help. Then I found TheHopeLine. They have an amazing team of responders who are always there for you. They have always helped me and even prayed for me.
Here's one of my stories about TheHopeLine.

Conflicted About My Sexuality

I've been struggling with my sexuality for a long time now, I'm only 14 but I have been thinking about it for a while. I think I may be bi-sexual and growing up in the church I was scared. I didn't know what to do being attracted to more than men. I was scared and felt hopeless. It was burrowing inside me, and it felt like I was slowly sinking into quicksand.

I had used TheHopeLine before, so I finally decided, maybe they can help me again. I chatted with TheHopeLine and right away I was connected to a HopeCoach. She helped me by really listening to me and asking me questions to help me think through my feelings. But then I had to leave the chat because it was late at night, and I had to go to bed.

The next day I connected with a different HopeCoach who pulled up the conversation from the night before so we could begin where I left off.  Again, she was nothing but kind and never judged me, she just helped me think through my conflicting feelings.  At the end of the chat, she prayed with me and encouraged me. I am now praying and hoping that God will give me clarity and help me.

There is Someone Who Cares

TheHopeLine has helped me so many times. I'm so grateful for this amazing group of people. If you have a problem and have no one to talk to, please don't hesitate to chat with TheHopeLine. They are a safe place to talk. I can't explain how much they've helped me and been there for me.

If you need someone to talk to you can chat with a HopeCoach or sign up for an e-mail mentor on our Get Help page. If you would like someone to pray for you, please visit TheHopeLine Prayer page and sign up to request prayer.

When you’re feeling shame, it seems impossible to talk about. The very nature of shame makes you want to cover up your feelings, which can increase your sense of shame over time and leave you feeling trapped.

I understand how you feel, but it doesn’t have to be this way. You can talk about shame in a way that helps you connect with others. You can get help with feelings of shame so that you’re not stuck in a cycle of emotions that damage your self-worth and leave you hating yourself.

The “What” of Shame

The first step to talking about shame is knowing what to say. Besides “ashamed”, think about what else you’re feeling and try to put words to it. Do you feel any of these feelings that go hand-in-hand with shame?

• Humiliation: “I can’t believe I did that. My actions were shameful. I’m so embarrassed.”
• Self-Hate: “I hate myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t deserve to be loved or forgiven.”
• Despair: “I’m never going to be able to make things right. Things are only going to get worse.”
• Fear: “I don’t want anyone to know I did/said/thought this. If they did, they wouldn’t respect me or want to be around me anymore. I’d better keep it to myself.”

Shame is more than one emotion. Thinking about how shame makes you feel can better prepare you to talk about it in a way that allows others to support you more fully.

The “Why” of Shame

It can also help to understand why you feel shame. Your life doesn’t happen in a bubble. If you’re feeling deep shame, it is likely related to other struggles you’re having.

You may feel excessive shame when:

• You’re struggling with a physical or mental illness
• You have been in abusive relationships with people who have shamed you
• You use harmful substances, or overindulge in food or alcohol.
• You are struggling with your faith in God, or have been made to feel like God doesn’t care about you.

When I think back to times when I’ve felt ashamed, I can often find some clues for how to how to talk through it.

When It’s Time to Talk

When you feel like you have a better understanding of when and why you feel shame, it’s time to talk about it. Talking about shame doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, the more simple and straightforward you are, the clearer your needs will be to someone who can help you.

You can talk about shame with your counselor, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or a leader in your faith community. Whoever you choose, make sure it’s someone you trust to keep your conversation in confidence. Make sure they are able to help you address the problems that are leading to feelings of shame.

TheHopeLine has been helping more and more people break free of shame and lead lives of greater self-worth. Talk to a HopeCoach about shame anytime. It’s confidential and they have experience helping people get to the other side of shame. We are here for you and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Do you sometimes feel worthless? The answer to having deep-rooted self-worth is to understand how God views you. Find out more here.

Sexual sins have lasting emotional and physical consequences. It’s normal to feel a sense of sadness or to feel guilty if you’ve made choices about sex that are contrary to your faith. You may be struggling after:

• Having sex with a partner, even though you wanted to wait until marriage
• Masturbation
• Pornography use
• Lust
• Relapse into addictive sexual behaviors

These things are tough to tackle. But let me encourage you: you can overcome sexual sins and God’s forgiveness is always there to help you through it.

Why Do I Feel Like God Won’t Forgive Me?

Unfortunately, sexual sins have become so tied up in feelings of shame that it’s easy to feel hopeless when we struggle with sexual sins.

Shame also takes a toll on your self-worth. When I feel ashamed, my focus shifts to an unhealthy tearing down of my self-esteem. And when I’m in that place, it’s hard to forgive myself and to believe that God will forgive me.

But what’s the truth? The truth is that God forgives over and over again. In the book of Isaiah, God says this to us: “I am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”

He knows we are human and that we make mistakes. But he also loves us and wants us to be free from the burden of our sins.
And don’t forget: God created you in His image and likeness. You are worthy of respect and love – and this truth is far greater and more powerful than any mistakes you’ve made.

How Do I Experience God’s Forgiveness?

God’s forgiveness is powerful, but it is part of a relationship. He won’t give it to us unless we seek it and ask for it. This means:
Being honest about where we went wrong
Asking God to forgive us
Accepting that forgiveness with gratitude
Making what efforts we can to continue turning toward God and away from choices that make us feel shame and pain
I find it helpful to take my sins to God in prayer, and to talk with someone I trust in my faith community. When my struggles are especially tough, it helps me to ask others to pray for me as I work to overcome them.

How Do I Start Healing?

It can feel difficult to know where to start when it comes to healing after sexual sins. But you can start right now.
Think about your choices when it comes to sex and be honest about the emotional, physical, and spiritual consequences you’ve experienced.

Think of how different your life will be when you experience freedom and forgiveness and commit to doing what you can to get to that place of healing and change.

Tell people who care about you that you need support, prayer, and patience along the way. If you’re in a relationship, make those needs clear to your partner, too.

Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine if you’re not sure how or when to have a conversation with someone in your life or your faith community about sexual sins. Our mentorship is confidential and judgment-free. Our focus is on helping you find healing, love, and forgiveness from God and from yourself. We are here for you anytime.

Has pornography filled the loneliness in your life and now you feel trapped by its addictiveness? You are not alone. Read about the lies pornography tells us.

Sometimes my decisions hurt people, and sometimes I hurt myself with my choices. When things go wrong, I sometimes feel so ashamed that I can’t help but wonder: does God forgive everything?

The short answer is yes. God forgave King David after committing murder and adultery. Jesus prayed for the forgiveness of the people who crucified Him, and He forgave Peter for denying Him. In the Old Testament, we see time and time again that God redeemed His people after they strayed from Him and fell into idolatry. God’s divine power means there’s nothing we can do that He can’t forgive.

One of my favorite verses from the Psalms says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” That means once I’ve been forgiven of my sins by God, they can’t touch me. I’m free from that burden.

Why Does it Feel Like I Won’t Be Forgiven?

With so many stories of forgiveness in the Bible, why is it so hard to believe that God will forgive me? Part of the answer lies in the powerful emotions of guilt and shame.

God’s forgiveness is certainly vast, but in order to receive it, I need to seek it. I need to know I’ve made a mistake and desire to set things right. I should feel compelled to change by the knowledge that I’ve done something wrong. But when I become convinced that what I’ve done makes me a terrible person, it’s harder to accept forgiveness, even from God.

If you can relate, it may help to talk to someone about your feelings of shame so they can help you gain perspective. Prayer is also a powerful way to learn to forgive ourselves and to accept God’s forgiveness.

Have You Forgiven Yourself?

One of the biggest reasons I struggle with accepting God’s forgiveness is that I haven’t forgiven myself.

Think of someone you love dearly. Though forgiving them isn’t always easy, you want to forgive them because you love them. You recognize that they’re human.

You know that people you love make mistakes, but you don’t want to hold that against them. You want to restore the relationship. You want them to have the chance to learn and grow in the future.

When it’s hard to believe that God forgives you, remember He loves you and that He thinks you worthy of His love. He wants you to be free from that burden: all you have to do is accept that gift.

The Healing Journey

Forgiving ourselves and healing from our past is not a one-time “Aha!” moment. It’s a process. And accepting God’s forgiveness is a journey we take, one day at a time, as we work to heal from the choices, we made that hurt ourselves and others.
You are not alone in this process. We are here to listen and support you as you build your faith and work to better understand forgiveness. If you need help accepting forgiveness, reach out to a prayer partner, or talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine today. You have our support no matter what!

Accepting God's forgiveness is a huge step to healing.  Now it's time to break away from the past shame and guilt you are carrying, to forgive yourself. Find out how to forgive yourself here.

If you live with an addiction to substances like drugs and alcohol, or harmful behaviors like self-harm or pornography use, it feels terrible to relapse or slide back into those unhealthy patterns after you’ve started on the road to recovery. I’m here to tell you that addiction recovery is never impossible, even after a relapse. You can still continue recovering from addiction, and you can live a sober life.

Know You’re Not Alone

I read recently that somewhere between 40 and 60 percent of people experience a relapse on their recovery journey. If you go through a relapse, there are many other people (including people in your support system and recovery group) who have been there and who have felt what you’re feeling. And guess what: they are still on their journey. They are still making progress. And you can, too.

It often feels like no one understands what you’re going through in your addiction. But that’s a dangerous myth. Remember the truth: there are plenty of people who understand, who are there to listen, and who have grown stronger after relapses.

Think of a Relapse in a New Way

It is so easy to get stuck in a spiral of guilt and shame after a relapse. You feel humiliated, frustrated, and angry with yourself for slipping back into behaviors you promised you’d stop. But the truth is, that’s part of being human. And it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Many of the strongest people I know, whose work in recovery I truly admire, have had multiple relapses over the years. So, what’s the difference between the people who don’t return to recovery and the people who do?

They understand that they’ve experienced a setback. Of course, they acknowledge where and why things went wrong. But their relapse is never the end of their journey. It’s a steppingstone that helps them learn from their mistakes and grow stronger in their resolve to get back on track.

Accept Forgiveness

I know a relapse can feel like one of the lowest points in your life. But I also know that there is always a way out of places like that.

It helps me to remember that God has never abandoned me and that He wants me to learn about myself and grow closer to Him in times when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Many recovery plans include reliance on God (or a Higher Power) as a key part of what gives people the strength to start recovery, and to continue their recovery journey after a relapse.

It helps me so much to know that Jesus can sympathize with my weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15) and that He has given so many people the renewal they need to face their struggles. No matter where you are in your faith, God cares about you, There’s nothing He won’t forgive, and nothing He can’t help you overcome (Philippians 4:13).

If you can’t find faith in God during difficult times, I understand. There is always hope, and things can always get better. You can find love and forgiveness in friends you trust, family who love you, and people in your recovery group who know your struggles.

Make a Plan

Making a relapse prevention plan helps many people experience a fuller recovery and bounce back more quickly after setbacks.
Your therapist, or people in your recovery group, can help you make a plan that takes your relapse triggers into account, keeps you connected with your support system, and encourages healthy habits.

TheHopeLine can help, too. Our HopeCoaches have a lot of experience helping people find healing after relapse. If you’re ready to get help without judgment, email or chat with a HopeCoach today.

I believe in you, and I'm here to support you on every step of your recovery journey. Read my blog to discover 3 basic steps that are important for staying clean.

 

Addicted to Heroin and Oxycontin

John is 24 years old and grew up a drug addict. He’s been addicted to heroin, OxyContin, etc. since he was very young and went to the federal penitentiary system as a teenager. It still didn’t stop him from using. He used drugs in prison and had gang ties. He got out for a very short time, got caught with meth again and went back to prison. While in prison, John’s brother died in a high-speed chase while high on meth. John got out again and is trying to do good this time but he’s hitting some roadblocks along the way.

Told He Should Still Be in Prison

John says, I’ve never been able to cope. I cope by selling and doing drugs. I never even had a job. I don’t have a support system. My PO tells me, I can’t be around my family. She also told me; she didn’t think I should be out of prison. She said, “All you are is a gang member and you are violent. Your actions inside the penitentiary showed me what kind of person you are, and I have no idea why you are out of prison to this day.” John is clean now and says, I’ve been doing good. I’m clean and have been working, paying my bills, not getting high but I don’t know how to handle these things when I’ve been living the fast life for so long.

John realizes he was a criminal, but he wants to change his life. Seeing his brother die, was a wake-up call for John. He doesn’t want a life just full of heartbreak. John doesn’t know why his Parole Officer is trying to hold him back by saying negative things. He doesn’t want to believe the things she’s saying.

Peer to Peer: Advice Needed for John

What’s your best advice for John? We heard from Jennifer, David, Josh, Paula, and Andrew, who each had a story to tell and had some amazing advice for John on how he can cope with life and be the person he wants to be.

Turn the Negativity into Positivity

Jennifer shares that she’s been clean for 4 years. She lived a similar lifestyle to John as far as abusing drugs but has turned her life around. Throughout the struggle, there was so much negativity, people telling her, you can’t do this, you can’t do that. Jennifer says, you have to turn the negativity into positivity and prove them wrong and prove it to yourself.

As a Convicted Felon, You have to Push Harder

David just did 16 years in prison, so he knows exactly what John is going through. He knows what it’s like to be on the streets, having nothing and nobody. He also went back to drugs as soon as he got out but has now been clean for almost 2 years now.

David’s secret is…his wife. She saved his life. David’s a 4-time convicted felon and society looks at felons like they are the scum of the earth, and he says, “We are not.” John don’t let anyone tell you aren’t worth it. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. Just because you’ve been to prison and had hard times doesn’t mean you give up. As a convicted felon, you have to push harder to do everyday things in life. John, get rid of the negative people in your life. It bothered me that your parole officer said you weren’t worth it and should be back in prison. It’s not true. You are well worth it, John!

You are Not Alone, Find a Support System like AA Meetings

Josh said, you are not alone, John. Josh got caught with dope and a gun. He was looking at some time but ended up getting out. AA meetings have really helped him find family and a support system, and meetings are everywhere. Stay away from people that aren’t good for you and remember there is always something else you can be working on. Josh is going to school now, when years ago he was selling drugs.

Help is Out There, You Have to Want to Find It

Paula was married once before and lost her husband to cancer. So, at that time, she was devastated and turned to alcohol and drugs. She had a son and had to realize that at one point her son was everything to her. She encourages John, “Help is out there, you have to want to find it. You have to want to be able to move forward in life and not let the negative people drag you down. What your PO is saying is not true. Don’t give up. Take the resources that are out there and find someone to fully open up to.”

Succeeded When Everyone Said He Would Fail

Andrew’s been through it. He’s been on his own since he was 14 years old and raised himself. Went to prison when he was 19 and got out when he was 24 years old. Now, he has a family with 3 kids. He has owned 2 successful businesses and has succeeded when everyone else told him he would fail. You have to take all that negative energy that comes in and turn it into positive energy.

It’s a daily struggle but today, 10 years later, he’s on his way to supervise a construction job. He wanted a better life for him and his family.

What advice would you give John?

Have you been in prison? Have you been addicted to drugs or lived the life of a criminal but turned your life around? Will you share your story and what helped you get through? Share in the comments below! What you have to say could be exactly what helps John and others get through this!

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

John said he tried the NA meetings route when he first got out but had an affair with the lady in charge of the NA meeting. There are roadblocks every way you turn but as so many of the people that have been there said, you must turn the mounds of negativity into mounds of positivity. People are going to tell you that you can’t do it, that you will fail, that you will end up back in prison, but that choice is up to you. I don’t want John to give up. He’s come a long way already…holding a job, being clean from drugs, paying his bills, and looking for ways to cope. He’s already doing so well.

Resources for Substance Abuse and Addiction:

For hope and help in overcoming substance abuse and addiction, download our free eBook for information and help to overcome your addiction, Understanding Substance Abuse.
Also, check out my blogs to help you work through addiction:

• Recovery from Addiction
• Staying Clean After an Addiction
• 6 Steps to Change Your Life
• The Opioid Epidemic

You are not alone! Others struggle with similar doubts, fears, and question God sometimes. Here are some of their stories:

• Megan’s Personal Story of Addiction
• Life as a Mother of an Addict and Felon

Need to talk to someone about how you are feeling, then: Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope! 

When a friend loses faith in God or turns away from their religious community, it can be very painful. It hurts me especially when people in my own church leave during hardships or struggles with their faith.

It can be hard to know what to do or how to help, but you can still be present when a friend or family member loses faith.
Here are some things that have helped me stay strong in my faith.

God is Love

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. . . if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:7,11

It can be frustrating when someone loses their faith in God, especially when their reasons don’t make sense to me, or when I feel like I would make different choices.

But it likely won’t help my loved one if their doubts and concerns are only met with anger and judgment from me.

We hear it all the time: God is love. His patience knows no bounds, and His love for us is not conditional. No matter how strong (or weak) our faith gets, God’s love remains the same. Reminding your friend of God’s deep love for them may be a comfort as they face this difficult time.

Ground Yourself

When people close to me are struggling in their faith, it’s that much more important for me to be sure that my own faith is bolstered.

Are you making time for prayer to ground yourself in your faith? Are you able to make it to regular services at your faith community? Do you have people in your place of worship who you regularly talk to about your struggles?

Nurturing your relationship with God and strengthening your ties with people in your faith community will be a great source of strength. It will keep you from feeling as drained as you would feel if you were facing your loved one’s faith struggles without any spiritual support.

Be Yourself

I want to encourage you when it comes to your family member or friend that is losing faith: your friendship can survive these ups and downs.

After all, your friendship has been through a lot before, and you’ve stayed close. It’s important to continue to spend quality time with your friend as you’re able and let them know you care about them.

Don’t forget, they care about you, too. And they value what you bring to the friendship. Keep being yourself and be there for your friend when you can. You can still have fun and you can still have meaningful times together. And of course, staying faithful to your friend will build them up when they need it most.

Faith and friendship can be challenging, but we’re here for you. Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine when you have questions about belief, relationships, or working through conflict. You can get through this, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Is your friend struggling with feeling worthless? Read my blog, to find out how God views them.  HIS love is perfect, unconditional and pure!

If you've read my blog, My Boyfriend Hurt Me, you may be troubled just like I am. So, I've decided to write another post about what I feel may be the biggest reason why girls give in to guys.

Desire to Feel Loved

I believe some girls give in to guys because they're searching for love and think they will find it by having sex.  Most girls don't say, "I want sex with my boyfriend."  They say, "How can I get my boyfriend to love me?"  Then bargain away their bodies hoping he will stay.  Some of your comments brought this up.  For example, Ally said, "I imagine that if I were in the same spot [as Alicia], the things that would go through my mind would be, If I do not do this, they will not accept me. They won't like me anymore. They'll find someone else."

Ally's fear is if she does not give in to her boyfriend's pressure, he will leave her and she won't be loved anymore.  Mandy's comment was especially powerful, "When I have sex, I feel loved and wanted, that's why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it's in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don't."
Mandy couldn't have put it any clearer.  For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved.  But after it's over, the empty words she's heard and being alone again only leaves her unfulfilled and searching for more.

Sex by Itself Is Not Love

I received a comment from a really honest guy who doesn't seem to understand how some girls grasp for love and will put up with anything to get it. Garrett wrote, "I am 16 years old.  I really love this girl but I feel really bad about what I do to her.  She knows I cheat on her with this other girl, but she keeps coming back. I feel so bad.  I don't know what to do and it makes me feel desperate and really bad inside."

What Garrett and many others don't seem to understand is sex in and of itself is not love.  People have loveless sex every day (like friends with benefits).  You can also have love without sex.  (Think of a man who loves his wife deeply, but she is dying of cancer.  Can he not love her without having sex with her?)  Genuine sex is a physical, emotional, and spiritual expression of true love.  But true love demands deep commitment, trust, and respect.

Left Wanting More Love

While sex (for sex's sake) can never meet someone's need for love, it does stir up a deep desire for it.  That is why sex (for sex's sake) is so cruel.  When a guy has sex with a girl, she almost always feels closer to him and wants true love in return.  But then he leaves her, and she is left wanting even more love, and instead she feels alone and used.

There's no use looking for love with all the wrong people, doing all the wrong things. You won't find it there.
I'd love to hear from you....why do you think girls give in to guys when they don't want to?

Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?  Read this...you might have a Love Addiction.