Divorce is one of the most painful things a family can go through. It breaks my heart whenever I hear that friends or family I care about are ending their marriage.

If you love someone who is going through a divorce, it’s natural to want to help. But you may feel powerless to know what to do. If you know both people well, it can be especially hard to know how to be there for people who are at odds with one another.

I know how you’re feeling, and I want to support you so that you can support people you care about. Here are some things I’ve learned over the years about how to be there for people who are going through marital problems.

Listen First

When someone is going through a hard time, it is so hard not to jump in right away with a solution or an idea to help. But when someone is going through a divorce, it can be disheartening to hear how they might be able to make things work, or what they should do to feel better.

I’ve made the mistake of speaking too soon, but I notice how much more supported my friends feel when I simply listen. Often, the longer I listen, the more my friends are able to be clear about how I can help and support them.

Listening also gives me the chance to know exactly how they’re feeling, and where their spirits are hurting (as one of my friends once put it). Knowing this allows me to lay those needs before God in prayer. God can heal them in ways that I can’t. His love and strength are always within reach.

Self-Care is Key

When someone is going through a divorce, the overwhelm can cause them to forget or neglect their self-care. Offering to help with grocery runs, errands, or cooking meals are great ways to ease their stress without feeling like you’re intruding.

Avoid Taking Sides

If you know both people going through the divorce, and if you’re close enough to both partners to be a listening ear, you may find yourself feeling drained more quickly.

It’s important to remember that both friends are going to be in a lot of pain and perhaps even anger. Do whatever you can not to take sides. Remember that your relationships with your friends are important, too. You can set boundaries to protect those relationships.

Still Need Help?

Sometimes, no matter what we do, our friends are going to be overwhelmed. That can be scary, but don’t despair.

If you’re concerned about your friend’s well-being after doing what you can to support them, reach out for help. If you need someone to talk to, we can offer online chat with a HopeCoach and guidance for relationship healing through email mentors. And if your friends are open to help, we offer divorce support resources, too. You or your friend can reach out to a  HopeCoach for confidential help whenever you need it.

No matter what, know that you are loved by your friend. Your support is appreciated. And when you’re not sure where to turn, we’re here to support you.

Are you dealing with your parents' divorce or your own divorce? Read my blog on 4 steps to healthy healing.

A guide to help you with the steps to consider when thinking about divorce along with recovery and forgiveness. 

Watching a friend go through a breakup can be tough. It’s hard to know how to help or how much you can do, especially when their breakup is very messy, painful, or unexpected.

Helping a friend after a breakup often comes down to doing simple things to show your friend that you care. Here are a few things I try to remember when a friend comes to me for relationship help.

I Can’t Fix It - And That’s Okay

When you want to help a friend, you may feel like you want to fix it. But the truth is, you can’t, and your friend is probably not expecting you to do so.

It was your friend’s relationship, and it’s your friend’s breakup. Your friend has to go through their own growth and make their own decisions during this process of pain, grief, and healing.

One key to having a strong friendship in the midst of a difficult situation like a breakup is having healthy boundaries.

Writer Rachel Krantz puts it this way: “Do your best to remind yourself that it is not on you to fix their pain or situation, and that the best thing you can do is to give what support you can genuinely offer without resentment, exhaustion, or desire for payback.”
Be honest with yourself about what you can do and what you can’t do and remember that your friend loves and appreciates you no matter what.

Listening is Key

Listening is one of the most helpful things you can do for your friend as they cope with their breakup. It gives them an outlet and helps them feel less isolated. You don’t have to jump in with a solution. Just be present and let them know you’re sorry they’re hurting.

If they’re not ready to talk yet, spending time with your friend can be a big help as they get ready to open up. Take them to calm, safe environments. Eat nourishing food with them and be sure they stay hydrated.

If your friend is a person of faith, it can encourage them to know you’re praying for them, and that God cares about them and what they’re feeling.

Don’t Victimize or Villainize

When my friend has gone through a breakup, it can be so tempting to agree with them completely that they’ve been hurt and that their ex should pay. And while there may be some truth to that, over-focusing on how much they’ve been hurt or how harmful their ex’s actions are is likely to make their healing more difficult.

Your friend is wrestling with the end of a relationship with someone they loved. They’re going to have a lot of complicated feelings. Doing your best to reframe those feelings in a positive light helps a lot.

Instead of “Wow, she’s the worst!”, try “I’m really glad to see you standing up for yourself”. Instead of, “He’s done so much to hurt you!”, try, “I believe in you. I’m here for you, and I know you can heal from this.”

Help Them Get Help

There will be things about your friend’s breakup that are more than you can handle. They may need an expert (someone trained in relationship support) to get them back on their feet. If it’s clear they’re overwhelmed, you can help them find more support.

TheHopeLine offers confidential, judgment-free mentoring and relationship help. You or your friend can chat online with a HopeCoach or sign up for an email mentor whenever either of you needs help sorting through relationships. I have no doubt your friendship will get stronger, and that your friend will find healing after their breakup. We are always here for you!

Want to help your friend avoid a broken heart? Read and share my blog on how you can keep your heart from breaking. 

Building stronger relationships is all about setting healthy boundaries. But that can be hard when I feel a close bond and want to spend time with someone.

When a friendship is new, it’s exciting to see how much we have in common. We want to spend a lot of time with one another to deepen our sense of connection and share new experiences.

But over time, things can feel a little strained, if you get to a point in your friendship or relationship where you feel drained after spending time with someone, or you find yourself avoiding them, it may be time to do a little boundary work.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

A boundary is not meant to be unkind or restrictive. It’s simply a way to set limits so you don’t spread yourself too thin. Think about when you get tired or drained after being with people. Is it after socializing for many days in a row? Or maybe it’s because you ended up texting all day when you thought it was going to be a much shorter conversation. Thinking through what makes you feel tired is a good first step to make sure your boundaries are rooted in healthy self-care.

Start Small

Once you know what’s missing, take simple steps to make time for recharging after being with people you love. There are lots of little boundaries that can make a big impact on your energy and well-being:

• Scheduling alone time every week
• Canceling plans if you feel ill or tired
• Not taking calls or answering texts after a certain time
• Unplugging from devices and social media at least an hour before you plan to go to sleep
• Checking in with yourself each morning before you are around others, and each evening when you get home

Next time you feel a little stretched by your relationships, try one or two of those steps.

Communicate

I’ve noticed how much better I feel when I get the rest I need. After all, I can’t be there for people when I’m exhausted. But sometimes my friends and loved ones may not know I’m tired. It’s important to share your boundaries with people close to you so they can support your efforts to take care of yourself. It can be something as simple as saying something like this: “I’ve noticed I’m overdoing it. I need time to unwind at the end of day. If you need to talk, text me before 9:00.”

Ask for Help

Sometimes setting boundaries is difficult. Our friends may push back a little when we ask for alone time. It often gets harder to remember our limits when someone we love is going through a tough time and needs extra support.

Leaning on faith can be a good way to keep our boundaries in mind. After all, we're only human, and turning to God often brings peace and clarity when relationships get tricky.

If you’ve tried everything and still feel stress and strain from relationships, talking to someone with experience setting healthy boundaries is a big help. Reach out to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine today for a safe, judgment-free place to work through your boundaries. We are here for you, and you always have our support.

Are you upset because you've been fighting with a close friend? Find out what to do and how to deal with relationship challenges here.

There’s nothing scarier than the prospect of having a mental illness. If you suspect that you may be suffering from a mental disorder, I bet you have thousands of questions and even more concerns.

Coping with a mental illness can be terrifying, but you don’t have to do it alone. With God leading the way, and an army of support and love behind you, you can overcome anything.

Do I Really Have a Mental Illness?

Mental illnesses don’t just suddenly appear. Rather, they creep slowly and have several warning signs. Paying attention to these signs can help you detect an issue early enough before it becomes a serious problem.

Changes in your overall mood, appetite, or sleep patterns can be signs of mental illness. Another cause for concern would be a decrease in your performance ability in work or school, as well as decreased ability to focus or think clearly. Also, if you’re noticing feelings of withdrawal and exclusion you could be experiencing the early stages of a mental health disorder.

Don’t get too ahead of yourself, though. Even if several of these signs apply to you, this does not necessarily mean you have a mental illness. Do not diagnose yourself. Instead, meet with your doctor (or other professionals) to discuss the symptoms you are experiencing.

What Do I Do if I Have a Mental Illness?

Getting tested for a mental illness is the most important action you can take. It’s better to deal with facts than speculations. I understand that the anxiety can be unbearable, but if you know God, then you know that He has promised to be with us through anything.

In order to confirm or deny your personal diagnosis your doctor may give you a physical exam to be sure there are no other underlying causes of your symptoms. He or she will then run a few lab tests and screenings to ensure you aren’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If none of those tests explain your symptoms, your doctor may order a psychiatric evaluation.

A psych evaluation may consist of a questionnaire that you’ll be asked to fill out. You may also meet with a psychiatrist who will ask you various questions to determine your overall mental health.

Diagnosis

Being told definitively that you do indeed have a mental illness may seem like the end of the world. But believe me: with the right amount of support and love, this can be manageable. God has blessed us all with strength and endurance, and He will strengthen you to use what He has given you. Now is the time to tap into those resources with His help and the help of those around you.

Most often, those diagnosed with a mental illness are prescribed various medications. If you have been, be sure to remain responsible. Refrain from missing a dosage and take them only as prescribed. Praying and conversing with God will also go a long way in coping with a mental illness and provide you with the strength you need. Also, never forget to lean on your friends and family. Dealing with any kind of disorder or illness alone and coming out on top is very difficult. So, gather your support team, learn about your illness, and let them help you remain positive.

Live Your Life

It is very important for you to continue living your life. You are the same person you have always been. A mental illness diagnosis doesn’t have to change that. Let God’s light brighten your future as you battle with your way through this.

Remember to keep your eyes open for future options. As technology advances and we learn more about medicine and the brain, new treatment options may become available. Stay prayerful and know that God has a plan for you.

Joining a community is also a good way to pursue happiness in the future. Finding those with similar circumstances or people who can relate to your struggle can be an uplifting experience. You can become a member of TheHopeLine family and through the love of God and spiritual wellness, we can all help each other thrive. If you find yourself dealing with mental illness, reach out. We’re here for you.

Are you just having a bad week, or is something more going on? Find out what shifts your mental state from “feeling blue” to a depression diagnosis. 

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Have you ever thought about how shame and anxiety can be intertwined? When I am struggling with shame, I often feel anxious and worried about whether I’ll find relief. Other times, I can feel shame around how often my anxiety seems to derail me.

But I’ve learned some things about shame and anxiety along the way that I hope will help you begin to work through your difficult feelings and find healing.

Untangling Feelings

If I’m feeling overwhelmed by my emotions, chances are I haven’t spent the time needed to “untangle” them. It helps me to think through things and gain a better understanding of what I’m feeling.

• Do I remember what shame feels like?
• How has my anxiety shown up in my mind and body in the past?
• How are these feelings different from one another?

I might write about these feelings in a journal, or spend time meditating to clear my mind. It often helps to “unplug” from devices and social media so I can be alone with my thoughts and more attentive to my feelings.

Sometimes I need a change of scenery to help me “reset” emotionally. I enjoy going for walks, visiting local parks and museums, or reading my favorite books.

When I’m really lacking clarity, it helps to remember that God cares about my feelings, and I can pray about those feelings, no matter what they are.

Remembering Facts

When I’m feeling bogged down by shame, and starting to worry, it helps me to remember what’s true. When I’m embarrassed or ashamed of how much anxiety seems to affect me, I remember the facts. I’ve overcome anxiety before, and learned a lot in the process. I’ve been reminded over and over again that, though I make mistakes, I still have value and importance.

Your feelings may be strong, and that’s normal. But remember the truth, you are worthy of love and acceptance from others, and from yourself. People care about you. You are not the first person to experience these tough feelings. Many others have been down this path, and there are plenty of people who can help you get to the other side of shame and anxiety.

Sharing Feelings

One of the most effective ways to manage feelings of anxiety and shame is to mention them. Connecting with others helps us feel less alone in our feelings, and less overwhelmed by them. When you know other people feel the same way you do, it’s encouraging to know you’re not the only one. When you talk with someone about how they’ve worked through difficult emotions in the past, it gives you ideas for the present and future.

If you’re not sure who to talk to, you can start right here. TheHopeLine offers confidential live chat with a HopeCoach to help you heal from shame and anxiety. We are here to listen and support you without judgment, and we look forward to hearing your story.
If you need someone to pray for your feelings of shame and anxiety to lift, find a prayer partner now. You’re not alone, and we care about your healing.

Are you feeling worn out and down about life, please read this blog with 31 tips to boost your mental health. 

I Keep Thinking Just One More Time

John’s been dealing with pornography troubles a good portion of his life. He knows some people don’t think it’s a bad thing, but he wants to stay away from it permanently.

He’s been addicted since he was 13 years old and ever since has been battling this massive and cruel addiction. John has gone a whole year without porn, but then something happens which triggers it, and he thinks, “just one more time.”

John has guts to call and talk about this. It’s amazing how he’s bringing this to the light so the light can push away the shame.

Peer to Peer: Messages of Advice and Encouragement for John

We asked for you to call in and share advice and encouragement with John. Here are your suggestions on how to get rid of porn for good:

Pulled Out of Porn Addiction by the Grace of God

Dave shares that by the grace of God he was pulled out of the addiction of pornography and masturbation. He was addicted from 14 years old up through college and grad school. He says, it’s only by Jesus was he able to stop. A few things helped him pull through. The first was an accountability buddy. Then he started finding scriptures he could rely on. One of those verses is Psalm 145:19, “He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.” And Psalm 18:16, “He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.” Dave knew he had filled his intimacy desires with porn instead of God. But then he realized there was no way out without God. He started to pray anytime he felt the temptation to look at porn. The first couple of days it didn’t work but then a few days later, God started to fulfill those holes in his life. Dave says, rely on God and scripture, God is faithful!

Porn Addiction Can Hurt Your Future Relationships

Serina’s husband struggles with porn addiction. She says, John, you are not alone. There are a lot of people out there to assist you if you reach out for help. Support groups are great. Reading literature on this topic is great. Serina says, addictions can cause long term effects, including physical effects. And as you get older and do it longer, it gets more addictive so it’s good to get help now. If you keep doing what you are doing, it will hurt your future wife if you continue. She will feel like she’s not enough.

Looked up Scriptures on How to Fight Lust

Nick says he’s been there too. Like Dave, God pulled him out of it. It wasn’t easy. He got addicted at 9 years old and is now 18. Nick told God he didn’t want the addiction anymore and needed help and healing. Nick said only by God’s grace can you pull through. The hardest battle was when he was just sitting on his bed and was about to look at porn but instead, he looked up scriptures on how to fight lust. He pulled through that night and had 3 months of being porn free. He’s been tempted some after that but always goes to God. Nick said his life is so much better now!

Be Willing with a Sincere Heart to Change

Pete says he dittos what Nick said. He’s been reading Ephesians and the first book of John, and it talks about confessing our sins with a pure heart so we can have a pure heart. Becoming humble and willing with a sincere heart to change. Pete says he struggled with a porn addiction for many years and even had 2 attempts of suicide. But God helped him and saved him. He said humble yourself before God, offer yourself to Him and He will give you what you need.

Surrendering Everything

Cassandra got introduced to porn at 11 years old and is 34 now. She got over it by giving herself completely over to the Lord and surrendering everything. She says, keep your mind on Christ, and stay focused by listening to spiritual things. She says, you have to stay positive no matter what. When you feel yourself getting weak, you pray and ask God to help, and He will deliver you from it.

Stay Focused on God

John is a newborn Christian for about a year and a half. He says, God delivered him from alcohol, pornography and many other things, in just a short time. John says to John, God can do anything for you if you want Him too. Stay focused on God and He can do amazing things, as long as you are willing.

Establish New Habits

Carrie was married to a man for 22 years who was addicted to pornography. They had 5 beautiful children. His addiction really affected Carrie and she was very injured by it. Carrie said there is a place in TN, called Bethesda where people who have been injured by addiction or who have been addicted can seek healing on a spiritual level. She said it gave her a new beginning and she learned she’s worthy to be treated like a woman should be. In order for her to get healthy, she had to get divorced. Today, she can say, John, you need to be surrounded by a lot of people who can teach you to live a new way and you’ll have to leave the old way behind. She said it’s hard to establish new habits, but those new habits will give you a new future. She shares, Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Carrie said she didn’t have the strength to help her husband but there are trained professionals who can help. There is hope to break away from this.

Get Accountability

Kyle says to John, you’re not alone. He struggles with it every day. It started when he was really young. It put him a dark place in life, robbed him of his self-worth and had him contemplating suicide. Then he got into church and got into a men’s accountability group. He says, there’s hope but definitely get accountability. He has guys who help keep him accountable and they encourage each other. He also recommends cleansing your social media. Kyle fasted social media for 21 days and it built up his discipline and self-confidence. It was the longest time he had gone without masturbating or anything. He says to John, keep going, don’t give up on yourself, and remember you are a child of God. Stay in the word as much as possible. First 15 minutes of the day, read your devotional, spend time in prayer and worship. Set the tone for the rest of your day and it will give you strength and encouragement for the rest of your day.

Porn Addiction Needs to be Brought to the Light

Sasha is so grateful John had the bravery to call in for help. A lot of people in the church don’t want to talk about addiction to porn because of the shame but it needs to be brought to the light. There’s a difference between conviction and condemning. Satan comes to condemn but Jesus comes to convict us to help us change. She said, God wants to help John change in that area of his life. Set some boundaries, have something to do in place of looking at porn and have scripture references ready. Sasha shared 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you.” And shared Romans 8:1, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” She said Jesus doesn’t come to condemn you John but to help you.

What advice would you give John?

Have you ever struggled with an addiction to porn? Will you share what helped you the most to stop? Share in the comments below! What you have to say could be exactly what John or others need to get them through.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Those were powerful stories of God’s grace, from people who had John’s same struggle with pornography. Nick, Pete, Cassandra, John, and Kyle all agreed in their advice to John, if it wasn’t for God, they wouldn’t have gotten victory over porn addiction and be where they are today.

I love some of the practical advice Kyle had for John:

• Get other guys to hold him accountable.
• Cleanse your social media. Get rid of any inappropriate people, sites, or organizations who you are connected with and put restrictions on your accounts.
• Fast social media for a time, like he did for 21 days. He said by fasting it for 21 days, it helped him build up his discipline and self-confidence.
• Devote the first 15 minutes of your day to God. Spend time in prayer, in worship and reading scripture. It definitely does set the tone for the rest of the day.

Have the Tools Ready When Temptation Comes

Nick specifically looked up scriptures on how to fight lust. It’s not that you don’t get tempted again, but you have the tools you need when the temptation comes. Romans 8:6 is a great scripture if you are dealing with lust and porn addiction, “So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.” 2 Timothy 2:22 is also a great verse to memorize and meditate on, “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.”
With the Lord’s help, you absolutely can get help for your porn addiction. It’s not going to be easy but nothing worth doing ever is. Take heart, ask the Lord for help and start applying some of the practical advice you heard in this episode.

Resources to Overcome Porn Addiction:

We have an awesome eBook to help you with porn addiction: Understanding Pornography Addiction.
Check out my blogs to help you towards a porn-free life:

• Is Pornography Addiction Harming Your Relationship
• 7 Steps to a Porn Free Life
• Porn: the Gateway Drug to Sexual Violence
• 6 Reasons to Cut Porn out of Your Life for Good

Check out other’s stories on struggles with porn addiction:

• I was the Good Christian Girl Addicted to Pornography
• Pornography Addiction: Being a Muslim to Christianity

One of our partners, XXX Church, helps men and women who are struggling with porn. They can help you to break bad habits and create a great life with a healthy view of sex. Learn more about XXX Church.
Need to talk to someone about how you are feeling, then: Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

How to Break the Silence of Addiction

Most people know that struggling with an addiction is an uphill battle. But not too many people realize the trauma that comes with revealing that addiction to others. Breaking the silence may feel more difficult than the addiction itself, but talking about substance abuse is an important and necessary step on the road of recovery.

Admittance

We’ve all heard it plenty of times: “Admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards solving it.” Why is this statement true? Think about it for a moment. Let’s say that my cell phone has a terrible crack in the screen. Everyone around me notices it and tells me I should get it fixed. Even though I can see the crack, I’m pretty sure that the crack has no negative effects on the way I use my phone. Since I don’t think there is actually an issue, I never take it in to be repaired. “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it,” after all.

In order to find a solution, we need to first see the problem as a problem. Breaking the silence must always begin with admittance.

Once you face the reality of having an addiction, the road from here on out will be much smoother. You don’t need to be afraid to talk about addiction. Leave shame and embarrassment at the door. It has no place. Own your truths and with God at your back, walk steadily on.

Who to Tell

The first person you should tell that you have an addiction is yourself. Yes, you. The more you say it, the easier it is to hear. As you accept this fact, you may begin to tell God as well.

Once you’ve settled the fact within yourself and with God, you can begin revealing your addiction to the person you trust most. Anxiety and fear will be heavy. Try to find someone who will be free of judgment, willing to support you as you seek help, and who can provide you with comfort as you confide in them. This might be your parents, pastor, best friend, or another relative.

Remember to speak only the truth. There is no need to sugarcoat the issue. The more transparent you are, the easier it will be to get it all out.

When is the Right Time?

In truth, there is no perfect time to discuss substance use disorder. It’s a difficult thing to talk about for both you and your confidant, so the sooner you do it, the better. Waiting can cause you to have second thoughts and the fear can build to the point of locking away the truth.When the time comes, however, make sure that you have plenty of time to say all that you want to say. Be sure that you are alone with your confidant and that there are no unnecessary distractions around you. You need their undivided attention and you need to be able to give them yours.

Widen the Circle

There is safety in numbers. If you have become fully comfortable with revealing your addiction, you may begin to widen your circle of trustees. In other words, you can build your support team. This means telling multiple people that you are an addict. This is a scary idea, but you can do it. Hiding the truth is a form of denial and it can be a dangerous road to walk. Open up and allow God and your loved ones to help you along your way.

As of 2017, 19.7 million Americans (ages 12 and older) suffered from a substance use disorder. With numbers like these, it is clear that you are not alone. Millions of people around you are dealing with the same issues and are talking about substance abuse. Connect with fellow fighters and lean on them for support – and let them lean on you.

Getting Help

With the right support team, you can move confidently toward recovery. You might want to consider checking into a rehab center or researching local support groups. Here at TheHopeLine, you can find fellow addicts and compassionate Christians who you can connect with to find help. TheHopeLine offers resources and prayer. It’s a safe place that can start you off on the right foot.

We are here to help. You don’t need to feel fearful or hopeless, and you don’t have to be afraid to talk about addiction. If you keep God as your focal point, you can step out confidently on the road to recovery.

Worried you're developing an addiction, or have a history of addiction in your family? Read my blog to find out about the warning signs. 

There are few things more painful and frustrating for me than seeing someone I care about be hurt. If you have a friend in an abusive relationship or know a loved one is being abused, then you know exactly what I mean. You want to help, but you don’t know what to do.

I’ve learned that helping a friend escape abuse is complicated but helping someone we love find healing after abuse is never impossible!

Don’t Take Charge

I know it’s tempting to burst into the home where your loved one is being controlled by an abuser and say “Let’s go! I’m getting you out of here!” But that’s not the best approach.

Encountering your “take charge” attitude may make your friend feel like you’re trying to control them, too. But there are ways to help without putting a strain on your relationship.

Make Yourself Available

Spend time with your friend, away from their abuser if possible. Let your friend know that you are concerned for their well-being and that you are available to support them and spend time with them. Instead of saying “I’m so sick of the way they treat you. How can you let them do that?”, try something a bit gentler: “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately and I’m concerned about you. Is everything OK? If there is ever a time you feel hurt or unsafe in your relationship, will you reach out to me? I would love to be there to help. It’s what friends are for.”

Opening the door to help your friend when they feel they need it most is far healthier than telling them what they need, and when they need it.

Safety First

Once you let your friend know you are available, the time may come when your loved one is ready to leave their abuser. They may call you to ask for help with their escape plan. It’s important to avoid putting your safety (and your friend’s well-being) at risk. Only offer to help in ways that feel safe and comfortable for you.

This may include things like staying on the phone with them while they call a helpline or the authorities for assistance, connecting them with a support group or abuse counseling resources, or going with them to an appointment with their doctor or therapist. Rest assured that you don’t have to take on everything to be a tremendous help to your friend.

Don’t Forget Self-Care

There’s one mistake I’ve made often. I get so wrapped up in helping others that I become drained, exhausted, and end up neglecting my own self-care. In order to be there for your friend and help them find healing after abuse, be sure you’re taking care of your own emotional, spiritual, and physical needs.

Remember that God sees all in our hearts and minds. He knows you care for people in your life who are hurt by abuse, and He knows that your friend needs help. God cares about the people you care about, and He will never abandon them.

We are here to offer prayer for you and your loved ones, and we can help you make a plan to help your loved one while protecting your heart and spirit. We are always here for you. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

Are you dating or married to someone that has had a past that includes abuse? Here are some important things to help you as you support them. 

No matter how much you care about someone – whether it’s the person you’re dating, a close friend, or someone in your family – relationships can start to feel a little “off” over time.

I’ve talked to so many people who didn’t realize they were in an unhealthy relationship until after they had a listening ear. And I understand why. We get so caught up in checking our to-do list and doing our best to be there for people that we forget to check in with ourselves to see how our relationships are really doing.

Reality Check: How Do You Feel Around This Person?

It takes a bit of a “reality check” for me to realize how things are going. Especially if I am used to seeing or talking to someone every day. But I learn a lot from asking myself questions like:
How do I feel when I’m around this person?
Am I often stressed or worried when I see them calling or texting me?
Do I tend to feel drained after our time together?
Do I find myself more easily irritated with my friend or loved one than I used to be?
Do I find that I’m spending way more time with them than anyone else who is important to me?
If I’m answering yes, more often than not that relationship has gotten out of balance and it’s time for me to set some healthy boundaries to get things back on track.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

When I mention healthy boundaries, I’m not talking about building a fence around yourself and not letting anyone in. It’s more about recognizing what you need and making an effort to speak and act in a way that gets those needs met.

But it’s important to remember that no matter how clear I am about my needs, no parent, partner, or friend can meet them all. In those moments, I have to take a leap of faith and trust that God knows my needs and knows how to fulfill them.

When I struggle to believe that I ask people to pray for me and spend time in quiet places (like my church, or my favorite park) that make me feel closer to God. That usually helps me to gain the perspective I need about life and relationships and gives me more peace of mind about setting healthy boundaries.

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

No friendship or relationship will be perfect. Having boundaries isn’t about trying to insist on perfection or “fix” each other. After all, you care about and love each other, or you wouldn’t be close to begin with.

A healthy relationship allows both of you to feel safe talking to one another about what you need, to feel comfortable asking for help, and to show each other how much you care.

Regularly checking in with people you care about is a great way to make sure no one gets too drained. If you need space, that’s perfectly okay! It’s good to have time alone now and then to gather your thoughts, and you’ll only be that much happier to see your friend or loved one when you next meet up.

But knowing where, when, and how to start the conversation about having a healthier relationship can be hard. That’s why we’re here for you to offer confidential, non-judgmental help with relationships.

We can share mentorship, resources, and encouragement that will help you feel more comfortable in your family relationships, friendships, and dating life. All you have to do is reach out!

If you’re looking for a deeper relationship, sometimes a mindset shift is needed.  Read how these 3 mindset shifts can make a difference here.