Has your girlfriend or boyfriend had their heart broken by a previous relationship? If so, you’re likely feeling overwhelmed, and may even be wondering why you have to be the one to pick up the pieces.

It’s never easy to deal with conflict in relationships, but it’s a unique challenge when the conflict happens before you meet your boyfriend or girlfriend. This requires a different approach.

First Step: Listen

I know it’s hard to listen to people talk about a painful experience, especially if they are still healing from their heartbreak. They might cry, they might be angry, or they might show signs of depression or anxiety.

But I’ve learned that patient listening can open a lot of doors to healing in a relationship. Wait until your loved one is completely done talking before you respond, and don’t be afraid to sit in silence with them while you think of some comforting words.

It’s also good to remember that they are probably not expecting you to offer a solution or to jump in and fix things with whoever hurt them. Giving them, someone understanding to talk to and being with them when they’re hurting goes a long way and will do a lot to bring you closer.

Then: Pray

When you know what your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse is feeling, and how they are struggling, you can lift those things up in prayer. Even if you don’t know the details, putting their pain before God for Him to heal will always help. If you’re not sure what to say, try reading encouraging verses together: the Bible is full of reminders that God is ready and willing to heal a broken heart.

Now: Support

There is no reason you can’t be in a happy, meaningful relationship with someone who’s had their heart broken before. After all, it’s happened to most people you’ll meet! Supporting your boyfriend or girlfriend in their healing is one of the best ways you can show them you care. Encourage them to reach out to a mentor, a pastor, a prayer partner, or someone else with experience helping people navigate difficult emotions.

If you feel like you need to take action to help, ask them what you can do. If they’re not sure, you can come up with small ways to show your gratitude for them. Or you can help them with little tasks or errands to give them a breather and help them lower their stress level.

But don’t forget you need support, too. It’s sometimes overwhelming to spend a lot of time with someone who is going through something difficult. It’s okay to give yourself breaks, have alone time, or talk about other things. And it’s a good idea to ask for help when you’re not sure what to do or feeling stressed by your partner’s pain.

Remember: you don’t have to solve every problem your boyfriend or girlfriend has. Being faithful, hopeful, and patient goes a long way toward relationship healing. You can get through this together, and we are here to help.

Is your boyfriend or girlfriend struggling with depression? I wrote this blog giving 7 ways to help you support them with their depression.

If you’re concerned about developing an addiction, or have a history of addiction in your family, it’s good to know the warning signs and get the guidance you need. I want to help by sharing some of the things I’ve learned and observed about addiction and recovery.

You Are Not Doomed to Addiction

I’ve talked to a lot of young people who have an addicted parent or close family member. The pain is real. You love them and don’t want to see them hurting. But you have a fear you may not want to admit. Part of you is probably thinking, “I don’t want to end up like that. How can I stop this from happening?”

For many children of addicted parents, it can be easy to feel like addiction is part of your destiny or that you’re doomed to become an addict yourself.

But there’s no reason to be ruled by fear. Knowing the warning signs of addiction and understanding your own tendencies is key to getting the right resources and support.

Understanding Dependence

I know that hearing the word “addiction” may make you think of constant, uncontrollable substance use or negative behavior. But it doesn’t just happen overnight. I’ve realized (and addiction experts agree) that addictive behavior often begins with dependance.

Dependence happens when you depend on a behavior or substance to get through the day, change the way you feel, or do something that feels difficult. It can be emotional or physical.

Emotional dependence is characterized by a strong feeling that you “need” to use a substance or engage in a behavior to feel happier, to be calmer, to do something better, and so on. For example: saying or thinking to yourself, “This week has been terrible. I need a drink.”

Physical dependence is present when your body responds to being deprived of a drug, alcohol, or behavior (such as pornography use or cutting). Your responses may include irritability, headaches, tremors, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, mood swings, or drastic changes in your energy level.

So, which is worse? Well, neither are a healthy way to deal with your challenges or feelings. A dependence is not healthier or “better” than having an addiction, but an addiction can result if a dependance is untreated or ignored.

In short, the difference between dependence and addiction has to do with behavioral change. AddictionCenters explains it this way:
“When people use the term ‘dependence,’ they are usually referring to a physical dependence on a substance. . . Addiction is marked by a change in behavior caused by the biochemical changes in the brain after continued substance abuse.”

While there isn’t a single moment when dependence becomes addiction, the turning point comes if not having access to your addiction causes irrational behavior, or causes you to not care about the consequences that may happen as a result of using. I suggest taking some time alone to be honest with yourself about your feelings.

If you feel like:

• You’re becoming a different person.
• You’re losing control of your actions or emotions.
• You self-medicate with your substance or behavior, using it in place of medical or psychiatric treatment or healthy self-care to feel better or numb the pain.
• You have to use or engage in your addictive behavior in order to feel “normal”.
• You use the substance or engage in the behavior alone, or are starting to plan your day around it.

Then It’s time to get treatment for dependence and make a plan to lower your risk of developing an addiction.

Freedom is Possible

I believe it because I’ve seen it: freedom from addiction or dependence is possible. But it’s not something that happens overnight, or something you can make happen alone.

How can you find freedom?

Prayer and faith: God “gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” (Isaiah 40:29). It may feel impossible to break free of a dependance or an addiction, but with the power of God in your corner, you can grow by leaps and bounds.
Asking for help: Having someone to talk to makes a big difference when you’re working on changing any deeply-ingrained mindset or behavior. And we can start that conversation right here. TheHopeLine HopeCoaches are here to help you find healing from dependance and addiction. We’re here for you. Reach out to us today!

Practicing Self-Care

Practicing self-care is about nurturing your well-being. Eating well, getting enough rest, and drinking plenty of water are great ways to take care of your body. You also want to be sure you are caring for your emotional and spiritual needs, too. That could mean meeting with a faith community, meditating, or talking with a counselor. No matter what your self-care routine, nurturing yourself is a great choice.

There’s no way I can look at a person and say, “This is where the body ends, and the emotions begin”. That’s because everything is connected. The mind, the brain, the body, and the spirit: they are all a part of you. How you treat one part of you impacts how the others feel. So, it’s no surprise that some studies have shown that what you eat, or drink can have an impact on your mental health.

Healthy Food for a Healthy Mind

Getting hungry? Here’s a list of foods with nutrients that scientists have found improve your cognitive function, energy level, and other factors that can sharpen your mental health.

Food and Drink as Self-Care

I know that “healthy eating” does not mean depriving myself of food in order to manipulate or control my body. But how do I strike a balance between saying “no” to some things and still enjoying my favorite foods?

It helps me to think of food as part of my self-care. When it comes to building up, nurturing, and strengthening my body, not all food and drinks are created equal. Some are more nutritious, energizing, and restorative than others— and those are the ones I should focus on. It’s okay for me to treat myself now and then, but moderation is key. I don’t want to have “too much of a good thing”— like loading up on sugar or carbohydrates—only to crash and feel sluggish a short time later.

What I eat is part of my spiritual care, too. The Bible calls my body “a temple” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). God created it for my use and His glory, and He cares about what I put into it. I only get one body. It’s important that I do my best to take good care of it, with God’s help.

A Healthier Relationship with Food and Drink

If you have a history of struggles with food-addictive behaviors (including eating disorders) or have damaged your mind and body with drugs and alcohol, you may feel intimidated by the thought of changing what you eat or drink.

I want to encourage you that no one is ever beyond reach when it comes to grace, healing, and transformation. Working with a doctor or nutritionist can go a long way toward helping you feel more comfortable with what you eat and drink by giving you a “meal plan” that fits exactly what your body needs.

Of course, it’s not enough to switch up behaviors; your mindset has to change, too. But that doesn’t have to be a lonely process. Support is available now from a HopeCoach, email mentor or prayer partner. We are here to talk with you about food, body image, or whatever struggles you feel are impacting your mental health.

You can start healing your mind and your body – and we are here to cheer you on. If you feel worn out and down about life, please read this blog with tips to boost your mental health.  

Fighting with a close friend is sad and upsetting, especially if it seems to come out of nowhere. Unfortunately, I’ve had many relationship challenges, and there have been times when I’ve wondered if my friendships will make it through. The good news is that most of the time, they survived and even grew stronger.

Here’s what helps me get through a tough time in a friendship.

Faith and Prayer

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” — Psalm 51:10
When someone has done something painful, I might not understand the choices they made. And I often feel guilty about my own words and actions that led to our friendship challenges.

In those moments, I have to remember:

• God cares about me and my friend.
• No matter what has happened, God can forgive, heal, and strengthen us both.
• God will work on my heart and help me make the right decisions about how to work things out.
• I will find peace with His help, regardless of outcomes.

Time and Space

It’s normal and natural to feel angry when you’ve been fighting with a friend. Even if you’re best friends, you sometimes need time and space to cool off and figure things out. Don’t feel rushed to talk to your friend.  Wait until you feel more centered before trying to have a difficult conversation.

Honesty and Openness

A lot of times, fights happen because anger builds up over time and isn’t expressed in a healthy way. This happens a lot when we don’t want to hurt the people we love.

Chances are, there is also a misunderstanding or lack of clarity about what went wrong and what can be done to fix it.
If you want to rebuild your friendship, you’ll have to ask some difficult questions:

• Where do you feel like things went wrong?
• How can I do better as your friend?
• How can we “check in” with one another better to avoid unnecessary conflict?
• Do you feel like I am a good listener?
• Do I give you enough space?

Most of the time, I find these kinds of discussions bring me closer to people and help me have stronger friendships across the board.

What if Things Don’t Get Better?

In rare cases, giving things time doesn’t help, and talking things over seems to make things worse, even if you’re calm, cool, and collected.

I’ve found that when people “cut ties” with me, there’s often a lot more going on in their lives than our disagreement. Sometimes, I have to set some healthy boundaries and remind myself that I don’t need to put my emotions in harm’s way. I can move forward and build relationships with people who are more open to connecting with me.

Those moments are painful, but it’s crucial to remember that there are plenty of people who love and care about you, and who are more able to meet your needs.

And as I like to say, there is always hope! Things may get better down the road, or you may meet a new friend whose strengths and quirks are a perfect complement to yours.

Whatever you’re going through in your friendships, we are here to help. You can search TheHopeLine resources for ebooks, podcasts and blogs about relationships, or get help with your friendships from a HopeCoach via chat or sign up for an email. We care about you and want to help however we can.

Looking for more ways to mend your friendship? Read my blog, When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You. 

LUST

As summer approaches, (if you are a man especially) so do the visual distractions. Bikinis, short shorts, and miniskirts, the list goes on. Consequently, when you have all these things around you begging for your attention, it’s hard not to notice. And when you do (inevitably), the questions start to mount.

Can I look at that?
Should I look at that?
Should I feel bad I’m looking?
And if I am looking, am I now lusting?

Which then begs the question, is looking the same as lusting?

You’d think that the answer to that question would be pretty obvious, but I believe more often than not, people get confused when it comes to these two topics (especially Christian people).

Here’s the thing:

You can lust after anything, not just the opposite sex

You can lust after money.
You can lust after a car.
You can lust after power.
And the list goes on.
The word lust simply means having a passionate or overmastering desire or craving for something. It’s just that, in our culture, we generally connect lust with “sexual lust.”

Looking, however, is a bit different

I can look at something without having a strong desire for it.
I can even admire something (like a car) without lusting after it.

But because sexual matters are so sensitive, we often have a hard time trying to distinguish the difference between looking and lusting when it comes to those we’re attracted to. Your spouse probably would have no problem with you saying, “Hey, that new sports car our neighbor got is pretty great-looking.” However, try saying that same thing about your neighbor’s spouse. Wow! It’s off to couch city for the next few nights. But the truth is, looking and lusting are entirely different. The reason we have a hard time recognizing this fact is either because of “religious guilt” or insecurity.

So, for those of you who are constantly asking yourselves, “Am I looking or lusting?” here are 3 ways you can tell:

1. You just can’t look enough

Hey, she’s good-looking. I get it. You didn’t ask to see her; she just ended up crossing your path today. Looking at her and noticing that fact is not wrong. And it’s not lust. But how many times do you need to go back to the well for a drink? Chances are if your head keeps turning like it’s on a swivel, you’re doing more than just “looking.” You are looking for a reason. And often that reason is lust. You like what you see, and you want to see more because there is some strong desire there.

2. You are “coveting” what you see

Take my earlier example of the neighbor with the “new” good-looking spouse. Whether you end up on the couch or not, the truth is, you are not lusting after your neighbor’s spouse simply because you acknowledged that they have some visual appeal. However, if you follow up your look and unwelcomed observation with the thought, “Boy, I wouldn’t mind if that person was my spouse,” then there is a problem. You now have crossed the line. You are coveting. Coveting is an older term we find in the Bible a lot but basically means “to have a strong desire for.” So, in this case, since your “strong desire” is for someone other than the person you’re committed to, then it’s safe to say you’ve wandered into the lust territory.

3. It makes your “special areas” all warm and tingly.…and you want more

Now, I know I may catch some heat for this one, but the truth is men are wired very differently than women and respond accordingly. While women visually process things, men are far more visual, and our biological responses to what we see are practically hard-wired. If a man sees a woman who’s very attractive (and especially dressed in a provocative nature), he is going to feel some sort of primal response. In other words, his brain is going to let him know it likes what it sees. Not much we can do about that.

However, it doesn’t have to go any further than that. There are ways to keep that look from drifting into the lust arena (I wrote a post on that HERE).

But, say you feel all warm and fuzzy and decide to let that look linger because you want more of that feeling. Or, after you are done looking, you keep recalling in your mind what you just witnessed and how great it made you feel. Well, now you officially crossed over into the lust area. You see, the first situation is a physical and biochemical response. But the continuation is an intentional decision to elicit sexual pleasure from what you’ve seen. And if what you’ve seen is not your spouse, then it’s time to have a talk with that accountability partner of yours. Hey, I understand. This topic is a little sensitive. Especially if you are talking about it with your spouse.

But don’t confuse looking with lusting

Don’t let religious guilt or insecurities lead you to self-imposed and needless shame. But at the same time recognize that looking can lead to lusting very quickly if left unchecked. 

So be aware.
Be intentional.
Be accountable.
And seriously, be honest enough to talk about this stuff.

Are you struggling with an addiction to pornography, read 7 Steps Towards a Porn-Free Life.

I’ve talked to a lot of young couples about relationship issues, and pornography is coming up more and more. People feel trapped by it and don’t want to talk about it. But whenever they do open up, they begin to experience freedom.

That freedom starts with understanding why porn use is holding you back from a healthier relationship.

If you have a porn addiction, it is easy to convince yourself that it doesn’t harm your relationship.

Perhaps your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t know about it, so you don’t think there’s an effect. Or maybe your partner knows you use pornography (or watches it with you) and doesn’t appear to have a problem with that.

But here’s the truth: more and more studies show that pornography addiction causes relationship issues for couples more often than in cases where no one in the relationship uses porn.

Emotional Impact of Pornography Addiction

Because addiction to pornography involves some unhealthy emotional patterns, it’s clear why using porn is connected to weaknesses and struggles in relationships, including:

• Secrecy: Hiding an addiction means you cannot be truly open with your partner about your thoughts, your feelings, or the challenges you’re facing.
• Shame: If using porn makes you feel ashamed, you might feel more withdrawn from your boyfriend or girlfriend than normal. That may mean you lash out in anger or bring conversations to a place of sadness or depression more than normal.
• Fantasizing: Pornography is manufactured – it’s a fantasy that creates unrealistic expectations of sex and physical intimacy. For many couples, that creates strain. And it can sometimes even break a relationship.

If you’ve seen these issues, come up in your relationship, getting help with your porn addiction will be key to shifting the focus back to love, honesty, and being there for one another. And as soon as you start that work, you’ll be one step closer to conquering your relationship challenges.

The Effects of Porn are Real

Porn itself may be a fantasy, but the effects are real. Here’s what we learned from a Psychology Today report:

• Relationships where porn is not used have lower rates of infidelity.
• Relationships where at least one person uses porn increase both the likelihood and the frequency of infidelity (including cheating, hookups, and flirtatious behavior).
• Porn use is likely connected to poor communication, and a decreased sense of commitment.

It’s important to remember that these findings were related to porn use (not specifically porn addiction). That’s why it’s so important to be vigilant about any porn use. If you make every effort to avoid it and to recover from your dependence on it, you’ll see great growth in your relationship.

Remaining Faithful During Recovery from Porn

Realizing the negative effects of pornography addiction is a harsh reality check, but there is no reason to despair. Faith and prayer can go a long way toward conquering anything, and God’s strength is always within your reach.

Amanda’s story is proof that there is always hope, and that trusting God to set you free is key to overcoming porn addiction:

“That cycle repeated endlessly for months. I would fall, pick myself back up, determined to “do better” or “try harder” next time, and then fall again. Finally, I was at the end of my rope. I thought I would never get out. How could that be?? This isn’t the kind of life God wants me to live, I know that, so why would He leave me stuck like this forever? There can’t be any way out, because God wouldn’t do that. He wants me to honor Him with my life, so why can’t I do that?! This thought brought me to the place I needed to be all along: on my knees before the throne of God. It was there that I learned a very important lesson. I can’t stay away from sin, and I can’t get out of the mess I made. God is the only one with the power to break me free, and all I have to do is go to Him and ask.”

I want to assure you: you and your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse are not alone in battling the effects of porn addiction. God cares about your journey, and we are here to help you, too. Reach out today for confidential relationship support from our team of HopeCoaches.

If you are fighting an addiction to pornography, you are not alone...68% of men and 18% of women use porn at least once a week. Read 7 Steps Towards a Porn-Free Life for help.

When you feel a strong attraction to someone in a dating relationship, feelings make it difficult to know: is it lust or love? Understanding how each feeling is unique can help you set and maintain healthy boundaries with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Attraction is Natural

I talk to a lot of young adults who feel guilty about having intense chemistry with their partner. But you don’t have to feel ashamed of those feelings. Sexual attraction is normal in romantic relationships. Our bodies and brains are wired to make connections with others, and attraction is a natural part of that process. When our hormones get involved, that attraction (and the sexual desires that come with it) can be very strong.

Since lust and love both involve feelings of attraction, I want to share what I’ve learned about how lust and love are different. I hope that it will encourage you to build healthy boundaries in your dating relationship.

Singular Focus on Sex

The easiest way to differentiate lust and love is to be honest about how you feel when you’re spending time with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or when you’re thinking about them. If you’re only thinking about:

• Their body, especially anything about their features that makes you feel arousal or sexual desire
• How far you can go with sex or physical affection, and how you can keep going farther
• The next time you can be alone with them, so that things can get physical
• How the relationship does (or doesn’t) satisfy your need for physical contact

Then I’d suggest opening up to someone you trust about struggling with lust.
Something to remember you can have feelings of lust without having had sex with your romantic partner. The key to knowing if you struggle with lust is being honest in your answers to questions like:

• Is my primary reason for being with them, and being drawn to them, physical?
• Would I still want to be with them even if they wanted to wait until marriage to be more physically involved than we are now?
• Am I overly concerned about their appearance? Do I criticize them for gaining or losing weight, for not wearing makeup, etc.?

If the answer to those questions is mostly yes, be encouraged about this opportunity to grow and mature your relationship. And above all, don’t be ashamed to ask for help.

Help for Struggles with Lust

If you struggle with lust, that doesn’t mean your love life is doomed or that you can’t have a healthy dating relationship. There are plenty of ways to work through those feelings so that your relationship is guided by love, not lust.

• Talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about what you love about who they are as a person, and what they bring to your life. Focus on encouraging your partner about their strengths and virtues, not their physical appearance.
• Share your struggles with the person you care about. Make a plan to set boundaries that stop physical contact before you feel a lack of control.
• Put your faith at the center. God cares about you and your relationship. He wants to help you overcome your struggles with lust and have a healthy, happy relationship. You can reach out to God for help through personal devotional time, time with your faith community, or asking someone to pray for you.

I have no doubt that you care about your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. And I admire you for having the courage to think honestly about your relationship and work on it with hope and faith.

If you need confidential, one-on-one help overcoming lust to focus on love, sign up for an email mentor or chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine today. We are here for you: you don’t have to fight any battles alone.

Are you having a hard time finding a deep, long-lasting relationship? Read How to Find a Meaningful Relationship.

Everyone wants to have stronger friendships with friends, be closer to family, or deepen their dating relationship.

But I get it:  it’s easy to feel stuck or frustrated when a relationship doesn’t seem to move beyond the same challenges.

I’ve learned something that I want to share in order to help you get “unstuck”. One of the most powerful things you can do to make a relationship stronger is to change your mindset. While you should not remain in a relationship that is toxic or abusive, there is plenty you can do to overcome everyday relationship hurdles.

Over years of helping families, couples, and friends, TheHopeLine HopeCoaches and I have noticed three powerful mindset shifts that come up over and over again. Be encouraged: there’s a lot you can do to deepen relationships. Big changes in your life can start with simple changes in your mind.

Ask: Are My Expectations Realistic?

Whenever we fight with a loved one, parent, or spouse, it’s often because something they did or said fell short of our expectations.
That’s understandable. Anyone feels disappointed when someone doesn’t come through for us, says something harsh, lashes out unexpectedly, or does something out of character.

But if this feeling of disappointment or upset is a pattern, it’s necessary to ask: are my expectations realistic, or do they need an adjustment?

An adjustment of expectations could mean:

• Letting go of perfectionism
• Asking for help or support from a different friend or family member
• Making sure they feel supported and that their struggles in the relationship don't come from feeling overwhelmed

Adjusting expectations to the strengths of the people you care about rather than focusing on their hang-ups can be very freeing and go a long way toward strengthening your relationships.

Be Honest About What You Can Change

Since it’s easier to see flaws in others than in us, it’s tempting for me to feel a strong push to help people I care about change a difficult or frustrating behavior.

But the only person whose behavior I can change, or whose choices I can have any lasting influence on, is me.

Being honest about what we can change in a relationship is key to having realistic expectations and setting healthy boundaries.
If you find yourself increasingly frustrated, don’t forget to let the person you care about know how you feel and what they can do to help. During your talk, ask if there is anything you can do to better support them.

Give Yourself Space

When you really care about someone, it’s easy to want to spend all of your time with them. This can sometimes lead to friction, conflict, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.

Making an effort to give yourself space leads to greater independence and stronger self-esteem. Plus, time apart from people you love makes time together that much sweeter. Try taking yourself out to eat, going for a walk in the park, deepen your faith with prayer or devotionals, or try seeing a matinee movie. You never know, you might find a new favorite activity!

And don’t forget whatever difficulties you’re going through, God is bigger. Prayer and faith have helped me deepen my relationship with others when nothing else could.

If you’re feeling stressed about your relationships and aren’t sure what to do to make things better, TheHopeLine can offer relationship support through resources, mentoring, and more. We’ll help you make a plan for stronger relationships, and friendships that last.

Dating and marriage relationships can be challenging especially when you or your partner have had a difficult past that includes abuse.

I understand how you feel. I care about people I love, and I don’t want them to hurt. But I also have to acknowledge that there are some things beyond my control.

If you have an abused partner, you want to be there to love and support them as they heal, but there are some important things to remember along the way.

You Can’t Solve the Problems of Abuse

Helping your boyfriend (or supporting your girlfriend) who has been abused can be physically exhausting and emotionally draining. To guard your mental health, it is important to have a clear understanding of what you can do to help and where someone else’s help would be more appropriate.
For example:

You can’t solve all the problems of abuse.

• You can listen to them and do things to show you love and care.

You can’t diagnose your partner or tell them what to do.

• You can recommend that they see a therapist, a doctor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a pastor for expert emotional, spiritual, and mental health support.

You can’t listen non-stop to traumatic stories about your partner’s abuse.

• You can ask them to talk about it at a later time, or to talk about it with their mentor or therapist.

Setting healthy boundaries for yourself is one of the surest ways to truly help your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse who has been victimized by abuse.

This may mean saying things like “I love you and want you to get help. But I don’t think I’m the best person to help you solve this problem. Can I share some ideas or resources that may help?”

Communicate as Often and Clearly as Possible

It is not always easy for a person who has been abused to talk about their feelings, to know how they feel, or to express their feelings clearly, especially if emotional abuse was integral to their previous relationship or their family dynamic.

Regular, clear communication is so important to healing together. Asking if they want to talk, what you can do to help, or how their recovery is going can help them open up. However, if it’s clear they’re having trouble processing things, don’t bombard them with questions. Let the one you love to talk about their experience when and where they feel most comfortable.

Don’t forget: if you are physically involved with your partner, they may have significant issues with intimacy as a result of their experiences of physical abuse, assault, or sexual abuse. Their consent is critical for physical intimacy or affection that builds trust.

Your partner may need lots of time and space to feel comfortable, even with hugging, handholding, or kissing. Do your best to respect their wishes and work together to find ways you are both comfortable giving and receiving love.

Be Faithful (and Joyful) Together

Because abuse is so painful, it is important to work together with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse to maintain faith that things will keep getting better, and joy over the good things in both your lives.

• Encourage: Once a day, encourage one another. Take turns showing love and appreciate them through kind and affirming words.
• Pray: You can pray for your abused partner, or request prayer for them at any time. If you have a common faith, share a prayer time together, or pray for one another throughout the week.
• Focus on your faith: It always helps me to remember that God is a God of hope and mercy. Whatever I’ve been through in life, He has gotten me to the other side and helped me heal. He has given me fresh starts and new beginnings all over the place! Think of ways to show God’s love to your partner as they rebuild trust and heal from abuse.
• Celebrate: Find ways to celebrate the good things and the recovery milestones in your relationship. Cooking a meal together, going to a concert, or visiting a new place are fun ways to create memories together that provide positive feelings about dating, marriage, and relationships.

No matter how you decide to help someone you love after they’ve been abused, I don’t want you to do it alone. TheHopeLine is here for you. We offer expert resources and confidential support for abuse recovery. You and your loved one can browse our library of blogs, podcasts, and ebooks, or get help from a mentor today.

For more information on abuse read my blog, What Is Physical Abuse?