Trust and Security

After 25 years of taking countless phone calls on my radio show, I've heard thousands of stories about heartbreak due to relationship failures. What is so often lacking in all these relationships is a foundation of trust.  And without trust people have no sense of security and can never rest secure in their relationship.

So, let's look at some key factors needed to build trust before a relationship even begins.

4 Ideas to Help Find Someone You Can Trust

So often I hear of people who are deep into relationships emotionally, physically, or even sexually, but still are not sure they can trust their partner. They don't know if they can trust their BF/GF with their true feelings, or if they will be faithful, or even if they are who they appear to be.  I remember an interview with Taylor Swift where she was asked about the most difficult thing she has learned about relationships.

"It's when you think you know someone," she replied, "then later find out that is not at all who they were."

Passion wrote: I've been dating this guy for 5 months and I found out he gave his number to another girl, I don't even see him the same as I used to, I look at him and wonder if everything is a lie.

LittleShorty wrote:  He tells me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... But my problem is that he thinks I am cheating on him... but I am not cheating on him... What I wanna know if he is cheating on me or not...

HARD TRUTH: 

No relationship is going to succeed or survive without a strong foundation of trust.

So, how do you arrive at trust? How do you know if you can trust your BF/GF? No simple answer to those questions, but here are a few ideas:

1. Start by simply avoiding relationships with people you already know are untrustworthy. That might quickly eliminate a few possibilities.

2. Look for someone who will talk to you about common interests, as well as personal stuff like faith, values, and what you want to do with you lives. You can't always go on what people say but talking about those things gives you a momentary glimpse of what is really inside that person. What if they don't want to talk about that kind of stuff? It's not a deal-breaker, but an unwillingness to let you see inside makes you wonder what's really in there.

3. Observe what they do and how they act under pressure. That's when our real selves begin to show.

4. Set your standard high and look for a BF/GF who wants to know you, be with you, love you for who you are not for access to your body, not to hitch a ride on your popularity, and not for something he/she wants to turn you into. Before jumping in with both feet, be sure they love you for who you are, just as you are, right now.

Insecurity is another big issue holding relationships back...have you ever worried your BF/GF was going to leave you?

How do I get past the thought that my BF/GF will leave me?

Fear of abandonment is very common, especially if you have finally met someone who you really like, or if have been abandoned in the past. It's natural to want to hold onto things that mean the most to us. But still, we are never given permission to own or control another person.

This means other people are always free to do whatever they want, even if it means leaving the relationship. There's a fine line between wanting to have someone in your life and wanting to possess them. Many people don't have enough belief or confidence in themselves to ever imagine being alone. This can cause a person to hold on too tightly. Loyalty is one thing--fear of being alone is another.

Most people do not want to be in a relationship with someone who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy.

To get past the fear of being left, you need to get to the place where being alone is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. This will take time, but it's worth the effort. Spend some time trying to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy. What kinds of things make you feel really alive? As you get to know yourself, you will have more of your complete self to bring to a relationship.

It also helps to know that you will never truly be alone...even if your BF/GF leaves you.  God promises us in the Bible that He will never abandon us and will always love us because we belong to him...we are his children. If you believe this, you will find such confidence and comfort because you know you are never truly alone.

So, if you are in a good relationship, thank God for every day you have with your BF/GF. You have today, tomorrow will take care of itself. And God will always be there.

I'm a Man

"I’m a man, so I’ve got to be ___________________. " (Fill in the blank)

What word came to mind?

• Strong
• Brave
• Self-Sufficient
• Powerful
• In control

As a man, I know these are the types of words that pop into my head. This idea that we need to be a "man's man" and all that.

But I know I've hit lows in my life where I didn't feel so strong or brave. Where I thought I should be able to hold it together, but truthfully I needed help. Even admitting that is tough for me. Am I being too vulnerable? Will I be seen as weak? Our culture seems to send a message to men...don't reveal too much...don't "give in" to any discomfort you may be feeling.

I think it is very common for men to feel weak at times, but we try our best to hide it. Many men struggle with depression or anxiety...they don’t feel strong or like they can do it on their own any longer? I know this because I've talked to some of the bravest of these men...the ones that struggle with these things, but had enough courage to call me on my radio show to ask for help.

One young man faced this battle and finally decided to reach out to TheHopeLine for help. After he talked with a HopeCoach, he shared the following story.

Have you ever felt Ashamed?

This is Coy's Story:

My life began to feel so heavy and dark inside. I knew it was outside input from the enemy but eventually, I just started to believe the lie. I was a worthless father, husband, and provider for my family. My new job hadn’t panned out the way I thought it would and left my family of six with a $500 a month pay cut. Over the course of 6 months, we had fallen behind on rent, other bills and it just started to tailspin. Every day at work, I would contemplate and try to just build up the courage to walk out onto the highway in front of a semi. Too proud to ask for help, too much of a coward to take the easy way out.

I would dare say that these are feelings many men have...they want to provide for their families and when they are struggling to provide in the way they want to, they feel worthless, and yet they are too proud or scared to ask for help.  However, reaching out for help made all the difference for Coy and saved his life.  Read the rest of the story here: Coy's Story

The Tension Between Being Masculine and Depressed

The push and the pull between being masculine and depressed is a fight many guys engage in. Blogger, Charlie Scaturro, in his blog Masculinty, Anxiety and Depression  shares his battle. In it he says, “There’s something particularly emasculating about depression. About feeling like there’s no point in being alive and that everything is hopeless and ridiculous. If I were stronger, the narrative goes, I would be able to stop myself from feeling this way…

A real man isn’t supposed to get depressed. A real man is supposed to get angry.

A real man isn’t supposed to have anxiety and panic attacks. A real man is supposed to fight through anxiety and panic attacks and stop being such a you-know-what….

And this reality can lead to a desperate and harmful struggle to avoid whatever the opposite of power and strength and masculinity are. It can lead to denial and a refusal to get help or tell anyone about what’s going on because of the fear that it isn’t masculine.”

The Vicious Cycle

1. You’re a man.

2. You feel you’re supposed to be strong, courageous, self-sufficient, etc.

3. In reality, you are depressed and questioning your purpose? Struggling to get out of bed. Feeling debilitated.

4. You don’t tell anyone because you believe you are supposed to be strong enough to conquer this on your own and you don’t want others to see you as weak.

5. The depression causes you to have suicidal thoughts, but you don’t dare reach out for help.

Masculinity as a Possible Suicide Risk Factor

To begin with, here are some suicide statistics from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

• Men die by suicide 3.5xmore often than women.
• White males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in 2015.

A new study published in Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology on Masculinity and Suicide found that, “one characteristic of dominant masculinity—self-reliance—stood out as a risk factor for suicidal thinking.”

The study went on to say, “Men who are self-reliant may believe that they should be strong in the face of any adversity, consider that feeling down is a sign of weakness, and be unlikely to reach out to friends, family or professional sources for help.” 

You're a Man. You're also human.

You are a man, but you are also a human made to experience all kinds of emotions.   If you are struggling with life, feeling you don’t measure up, struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, worrying you are not financially stable enough…those are not things that make you weak they are emotions that make you human. It is possible to be both masculine and depressed. By acknowledging this and then finding the courage to share what you are feeling with another person is how you will find help and healing.

In our society, for the most part, men are emotionally isolated from other men. I don't know of many platforms where men can be vulnerable with one another. But I think it would be a move in the right direction to start these conversations and create safe groups for men to talk. It can start with you being willing to share a struggle with a friend. You may discover they have felt the same way.

If you don't have a friend you feel you can talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine Chat for help. Our HopeCoaches will never judge you. Rather they will encourage you and provide you with resources that can help. You do NOT have to do this alone. Sometimes the biggest sign of strength is having the courage to say you need help.

In the News

Unfortunately, there have been a number of tragic suicides recently of rock stars and other famous men whose public persona appears strong and masculine. Yet behind this public image they must have struggled with some difficult private battles.

Thankfully, mainstream media is also working to spread the message of hope.  The rapper, Logic, has a song titled, 1-800-273-8255 which is the phone number to the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine.

Here’s a verse from the song:

I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’

I know you’re the reason I believe in life

What’s the day without a little night?

I’m just tryna shed a little light

It can be hard

It can be so hard

But you gotta live right now

You got everything to give right now.

Know Your Worth

You do have something to give to this world. I believe God created you for a purpose and that he has a plan for your life. Don’t give up on that too soon.  Don’t quit before you find out what that purpose is and what joy may lie ahead. Come just as you are, flaws and all, and ask God to help you. He loves you so much! God says in the Bible, “The thief’s (satan’s) purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” 

If you have questions about this, please chat with a HopeCoach.

If you or a friend is struggling - What Now?

• Remember that you are not alone in what you are feeling.
• If you need to talk, call 800-273-TALK (8255) for free, confidential, 24/7 help.
• Get help for yourself https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
• Get help for someone else https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-someone-else/
• If you are outside of the US, please visit infohttps://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/ to find resources in your area.
• Verses of Hope for those facing Depression
• Verses of Hope for those struggling with  Self-Worth
• Verses of Hope for those thinking about Suicide

If you are having suicidal thoughts or if you know someone who is considering suicide, find out what to do in TheHopeLine's eBook: Understanding Suicide.

Reasons Why People Play Mind Games

I hear from many of you about how confusing and frustrating dating relationships can be. It is simply hard to understand the opposite sex, especially when the person you are interested in plays mind games. It can get in the way of a deep meaningful relationship.

Dawn asked: Why do guys bother with the mind games? You know, when they say one thing and mean another just to get what they want?

To be fair, girls play mind games too. So let's include both sides here. There could be a number of reasons why guys or girls play mind games, and sometimes they don't even know they are playing games because they are so unaware of their own needs, much less yours.

Here Are a Few Reasons I've Observed Over the Years and How to Respond.

Reason 1: To Manipulate

Some people use mind games to selfishly manipulate others so they can get what they want to meet their own unmet needs. This may include:

• sex
• always having someone by their side
• having someone adore them
• a need to control someone
• hoping another person will heal their deepest hurts
• boosting their self-image because they have someone to show off to others
• having someone to listen to them

Not all these needs are wrong, or unhealthy. It is the way they go about getting those needs met that can be selfish and hurtful.

So, what should you do in this case?

Call Their Bluff

It's very important for the person who's playing mind games with you to know that you know the game is being played. You may want to confront them directly, and ask what exactly their motives are in your relationship. This will do one of two things: it will either challenge them to stop the games with you and move on to someone else, or they'll quit not only messing with your head, but also with your heart. You don't need to waste time with mind players. Who needs the drama? Not you! Read about how to have a meaningful relationship here.

Perhaps they are unaware of his manipulative and game-playing ways. Someone once said, "A liar will first lie to himself before lying to others." Your willingness to lovingly, but firmly, confront someone on what they have clearly been doing may help them to stop a game they may not even know their playing. But just remember this: don't simply listen to what they say, watch what they do. That will tell you more about motives than anything. I want very much for you to have a really great loving relationship, but I sure don't want you hurt by a game player. You can do much better than him.

What's Another Reason for Mind Games?

Reason 2: They Like the Rush

Kourtney asked: "Why would a guy flirt and act like he likes me and then all of a sudden stop? I have this guy friend who would email daily and tell me everything that’s going on and then he just stopped." In another question, Brittany asked: "Why in the world do guys act like they like you one minute and then the next they treat you like they barely know you?"

Some people just want to see if they can get a guy or girl to like them. To them, it is more like a game or a challenge. They say to themselves, If I can get a girl or guy to fall for me, then I must be pretty cool. All of this comes from low self-esteem and an unawareness of how they hurt others. Still, others are in a frantic state of mind, wanting that thrill of knowing at least one person cares about them. It’s like a high. But they soon get bored once they think the person they have been pursuing actually likes them. Then they are on to the next conquest. The hunt is on for the next rush. Sadly, many people have very little insight into what they are doing and why.

Well, that stinks...so now what?

Confront and Move On

You have a choice in this. You can choose to confront this guy and ask him what he’s really feeling (be prepared for him to become angry and defensive because no one likes being found out — remember, he may not fully understand why he’s doing what he’s doing either!). Or you can take his indifference as a clue that he’s not truly interested in you, and move on. You don’t have to be a victim of another person’s lack of consideration for others. 

I Have One More Reason for Mind Games...

Reason 3: Testing The Water

Other times people play with your mind in an attempt to find out how you feel about them. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable enough to share our deepest needs of wanting to love and be loved. What if you tell someone you really care for them and you are rejected in some way. You may feel like you are being led on, but perhaps the other person is just nervous to make the first move.

Riah asked: “When you know a guy likes you and that guy knows you like him, then why does it take so long for him to make the first move?”

For years, there’s always been pressure on guys to make the first move. Now it seems girls are getting more aggressive all the time. Still, in many relationships, both genders (either consciously or unconsciously) expect the guy to be the initiator and the girl to be the responder.  Remember a lot of guys act tough and macho, but inside they also are very much afraid of rejection.

Wondering how to move things forward...

Suggest Defining the Relationship

You may want to help each other out by making a simple suggestion. You might say something like this: "You know, you and I have been talking to each other for a while and I’m a little confused. So let’s define our relationship." This allows you to talk about it in a non-threatening way. Being emotionally open and vulnerable isn’t easy, but it might have GREAT rewards or at the very least allow you to move on.

Recovery from Addiction is Possible

In my blog Life At the End of The Trail we talked about what happens to people when they do not break the chains of their addiction. We talked about where they would be 25 years later. Now I want to talk about what you can do to experience recovery from addiction.

If you want to break the addiction in your life or know someone who does, this blog's for you. Unfortunately, there are many people who never come to this point, and as they say in Narcotics Anonymous, these are the people who end up in jails, institutions, or dead. But to the fortunate ones who say, "I really want help." There is help. There is hope. While it won't be easy, the chains can be broken.

So how does someone break the chains of addiction?

That's a good question. Books have been written on it, but let's give it a shot. Who knows? It might just change your life.

Step One: Come out of denial

What is denial? Denial is all the false beliefs our addictions hide behind. Like a living thing, an addiction will fight to stay alive. Its first line of defense is to remain hidden, so it constructs powerful arguments for why we are not addicted. How many times have you or someone you know who has an addiction come up with crazy statements to pretend they don't have an addiction? For example:

• I can quit anytime I want.
• I just use my addiction when I want to.
• My addiction isn't hurting anybody anyway.
• Oh well, it's too late.
• I can't change anyway.
• I'll quit someday, but I'm having too much fun now.

These and other statements prove the addict has not yet come out of denial and is not yet ready to start the long journey to freedom. Allie put it really well: You must admit you have an addiction and then have the will to change it. You must understand that it will not be easy. (Allie)  When somebody who's addicted says, "I can't go on like this; I will do whatever it takes to be set free," then you know there is hope for that person.

For example, I received this comment from Kitty: Dawson, I have been struggling with an eating disorder for several years. I'm anorexic. I know that if I don't quit, in 25 years, I will be dead. (Kitty) It would appear Kitty has faced the cold reality of her addiction. She seems serious in her willingness to change.

Step Two: Admit You Are Powerless

Just about every program teaches that the addict must admit they are powerless over their addiction. This is a difficult thing to do because many addictions make a person feel powerful while on the high. It's humbling to say, "I cannot help myself by myself; I am powerless over this monster called addiction."  For many, they have spent years with the false belief they have all the power. It's a huge step to come forward and admit to another person, "I am powerless over my addiction. I need help." But it is the only way to begin the recovery process.

It takes a lot of humility to break free. And there is that old enemy called shame, always there, ready to discourage someone from going forward.

Step Three: Turn to God

The most well-known and used program that helps people overcome addictions is the 12 Step Program. Five of the twelve steps deal directly with one's relationship with God. Only God can empower an addict to make the changes necessary for freedom. I received a very moving story from a guy named Dan. Once you have read his story, you will see how important a relationship with God can be:

I was addicted to sex for 25 years, since the very earliest experience. At the end, I had truly come to the end of my trail. I didn't feel human anymore and I thought I'd never be able to feel enjoyment or sense beauty ever again. I had the stink of death on me, and I would have been happy just to die in the desert away from humans and have my bones bleach in the sun. All the years of trying to quit and relapsing again and again accomplished nothing. I thought I was headed to Hell.

I drove all the way across the country. Halfway through Texas, I asked God what I was doing out there, and at that moment, I saw a sign in the middle of nowhere. It read: Trust Jesus. Well, I've been doing that ever since, and He's real and true. He's freed me from sexual addiction. He's showed me that the Bible contains all that we need to know. Jesus is the one who came, not to break us or put out our little flame of life, but to set us free. (Dan)

Very few people have left God out of their recovery attempts and been successful.

Conclusion:

To the person who is serious about breaking free from their addiction, whether it's cutting, gambling, drugs, eating disorders, etc., there is hope. People all around the world are overcoming their addictions one day at a time.

If you have broken an addiction, read this for help staying clean.

For more information on how to overcome your addiction, download TheHopeLine’s eBook:

We Are Facing An Opioid Epidemic

If you listen to my radio show you know that I’m a pretty straight shooter. I call it like it is. Sometimes it can come across harshly, but I’m often dealing with life and death situations and I don’t have time to sugar coat things, especially when someone calls who is addicted to drugs. Lately, the majority of drug-related calls I receive are from people addicted to pain-killers otherwise know as opioids. I often straight up tell them they are going to die because it’s the hard truth and someone needs to tell them. We are facing an opioid epidemic and we need to wake up.

Just listen to this call from Daniel. He’s reaching a breaking point as he is now up to 30 pills a day!

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/DANIEL+20+Chattanooga+-+30+Pain+Pills+a+Day.mp3

Opioids are a group of drugs often used for treating pain. However, when they are abused, the statistics are alarming.

What are the signs of substance abuse?

Substance abuse is characterized by an inability to stop using drugs, alcohol, or other harmful substances. You may hide your using from others, and you may find yourself becoming very angry when others express concern.

Here are the cold facts according to the Department of Health and Human Services:

• More people died from drug overdoses in 2014 than in any year on record.
• The majority of drug overdose deaths (more than six out of ten) involved an opioid.
• In the last 15 years, the rate of overdose deaths involving opioids—including prescription opioid pain relievers and heroin—nearly quadrupled.
• 91 American’s die every day from an opioid overdose
• The largest increase in overdose deaths from 2014 to 2015 was for those involving synthetic opioids (other than methadone), which rose from 5,544 deaths in 2014 to 9,580 deaths in 2015.

I’m not going to mince words in this blog either. You need to hear this. Prescription pain-relievers like Oxycontin, Oxycodone, Codeine, Hydrocodone, Methadone, Fentanyl are dangerous. They are nothing to experiment with. Taking your friends’ or parents’ prescription drugs is like playing with fire. These drugs can be highly addictive, and once hooked, it is extremely difficult to break the addiction.

Once addicted you often need a stronger dose to experience the same high and many users end up turning to illegal heroin. In fact, nearly 80 percent of Americans using heroin reported misusing prescription opioids prior to using heroin. And as the stats above indicate, abusing these drugs can kill you. So there’s my warning…DON’T DO IT. Just don’t go there. EVER.

Now – if you have been taking an opioid and you are wondering if you may be addicted here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Has your use of opioids increased over time?

2. Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when you stop using?

3. Do you use more than you would like, or more than is prescribed?

4. Have you experienced negative consequences to your using?

5. Have you put off doing things because of your drug use?

6. Do you find yourself thinking obsessively about getting or using your drug?

7. Have you made unsuccessful attempts at cutting down your drug use?

If you answered yes to at least three of those questions, then you are addicted to opioids. (Reference:www.AddictionsAndRecovery.org)

To those reading this who are already hooked, let’s talk about how you can get help because there is help available and recovery is possible.

Once again, I’ll be honest, from all the personal stories I’ve heard and the research I’ve done, it’s going to be a hard journey, but YOU CAN DO IT with help. You cannot do it alone. You must tell someone.

In this call I took from Jackie, I had to get pretty blunt with her. She wanted me to tell her she was going to be o.k. and that she would get better, but she was still lying to her parents and trying to hide it. So I had to straight up tell her I didn’t think she was going to get better, unless she admitted to her parents that she had a problem. Take a listen.

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/JACKIE+18+Cleveland+-+Addicted+to+Pain+Pills.mp3

Opioid addicts must seek treatment because breaking this type of addiction will take much more than just willpower. Opioid withdrawal is both physically painful and psychologically difficult.

To treat the physical withdrawal symptoms, there are medications that can help reduce the side-effects and increase the chances of success. I encourage you to look into these with a doctor.

Once you have detoxed and made it through the physical effects of breaking the addiction, it is important to seek counseling. 12-step programs such as those at Narcotics Anonymous have a proven track record of helping people on the road to recovery.

An opioid addiction re-wires your brain and the anxiety and obsession that occur when breaking free are as difficult to endure as the physical discomfort. Your brain has been taught to believe that you can’t be happy without the drug. This is why relapse often occurs. Stress is a common trigger as well as social situations that remind the user of the drug’s pleasure. The brains reward pathways need to be retrained. It will take some time for them to return to a normal functioning state, but it is possible and worth the struggle. It is important to surround yourself with strong people who will hold you accountable.

You CAN stay clean

Bottom line. I care for you and want you healthy and alive. While the journey may be tough I fully believe that everything is possible with God’s help. So pray for strength and courage and a good support system. I encourage you to ask others to pray for you as well. We have a network of Prayer Champions on TheHopeLine prayer page that are waiting to pray for you. If you put your trust in God, He will never leave you.

For more information on breaking addictions, download our free Understanding Substance Abuse eBook.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/breaking-an-addiction-to-painkillers-treatment-overvew#1
https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/heroin
https://www.cdc.gov/drugoverdose/epidemic/index.html

 Loneliness is On the Rise

If you are feeling lonely, you are not alone. Kind of ironic, but true. The world is full of lonely people. In fact, loneliness is on the rise. Research shows that the rate of loneliness in the U.S. has doubled over the past thirty years. Today about 40% of Americans (60 million) report being lonely. In the 1980s, it was only 20%. (General Social Survey).

For some reason in this world full of people, we are struggling to find friends and make relationships that last.

Being lonely is a sad and unhealthy way to live. To be happy we need intimate bonds with others. We need to have people we can confide in. We need people who will support us and people whom we can support in return. We are created to live in community.

If you are finding yourself struggling with feelings of loneliness, let me encourage you that this does not have to be a permanent issue, and there are things you can do to fight against it.

What is Situational Loneliness?

Seasons of mild loneliness are totally normal. There are situations in everyone’s life that leave us feeling lonely. These seasons can be caused by a number of situations.

• A move to a new city
• A loved one died
• A change of school or job
• A new social network with people that are very different than you…you don’t have a common bond of faith or culture or interests, etc
• You have no romantic interest at the time

Situational loneliness is temporary, because situations change over time.

What is Chronic Loneliness?

Chronic loneliness on the other hand is a continual state of feeling lonely with no end in sight. You have a void of real emotional bonds with anyone that you can trust and confide in.

Let me warn you, it can be easy to wallow in a state of situational loneliness to the point that you let it turn into chronic loneliness. It is important to take steps to fight against the feelings of loneliness before it becomes a chronic problem for both mental and physical health reasons.

When you start to feel lonely you can also start to feel ashamed, and then you can start to think of yourself as a loser. If you allow yourself to believe that you may become reluctant to meet new people and before you know it you are stuck in a lonely state.

Licensed psychologist, author and speaker, Guy Winch, PhD, says, “Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us think that those around us care much less than they actually do. It also makes us afraid to reach out because we don’t want to set ourselves up for rejection and heartache when our heart is already aching.”

Feeling lonely, what can you do?
To begin with let’s acknowledge that loneliness is a FEELING not a fact. You can have all kinds of people in your life and still FEEL lonely. So here are 10 tips to help you move past this feeling.

10 Tips to End Loneliness

1. Realize you are not unusual - As the statistics show, you are not alone in feeling lonely. 40% of people are just like you. This doesn’t make the feeling any easier, but it may help to know you are normal and not unusual.

2. Let loneliness remind you of the value of connecting with others. Don’t give up on the importance of connecting with others. Let this feeling motivate you to seek relationships.

3. Identify your lonely thoughts. Write down some of the negative thoughts that you have when you are lonely. Do you think things like: “I will always be alone”, “If I am alone, I have to feel lonely and unhappy.”, “I must be a loser, because I am alone.” “No one must like me. Something must be wrong with me.” If so, try to come up with rational responses to those thoughts:

• Are you really always going to be alone or might you be interacting with people soon…at work, school, church, waiting in line, or participating in an activity. You are not on a deserted island.
• Do you have to feel sad because you are alone? Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be sad.
• Are you really a "loser" because you are alone? Everyone is alone at some time or another. Being alone is a situation — and situations change.

4. Use Alone Time Wisely – If you find yourself alone, you can choose to dwell in your loneliness or attempt to use your alone time to do a solo activity that you enjoy and become good at it. Maybe it’s reading, cooking, baking, golfing, fishing, etc.. Then use your new skill as a way to connect with others. Find a group with similar interests or use it as a conversation starter when you meet new people.

5. Get Off-Line - The internet can make us feel lonely because we attempt to substitute real relationships with online relationships. Though we temporarily feel better when we engage others virtually, these connections tend to be superficial and ultimately dissatisfying. Yet lonely people can exert so much energy to feel connected on-line that they don’t put forth effort to build off-line, fulfilling relationships. Additionally, the internet can get in the way when you are actually with someone in person, but you are both constantly on your phones. Meaningful conversation still won’t occur if you are both on-line.

6. Don’t miss positive social cues - Lonely people can be so wrapped up in their feelings of loneliness that they are less able to pick up on positive social cues, like others’ attention and or signals from others that they are willing to commit to a friendship. Without picking up on these cues, lonely people withdraw prematurely. Open your eyes and look for what others may be communicating to you.

7. Fight the emotional habit of loneliness - Realize you are dealing with an emotional habit and be willing to do the hard work of combating it. Invite someone out or initiate a conversation. It will be worth it. The emotion of loneliness can pass, depending on what you're thinking and what you're doing.

8. Focus on the needs and feelings of others. Shifting your focus from how bad you’ve got it to how you can bless others will go a long way in combating loneliness.

9. Develop realistic expectations – If you are expecting a new friend to call you constantly or spend time together daily, or share every detail of their life, you may be disappointed. Your friendship is not diminished if your time together is limited. People have busy lives and are balancing many relationships and work or school. Don’t give up on a relationship just because they aren’t able to give as much as you expect.

10. Remember you are never truly alone - it is important for us to know that we are never truly alone. God promises to never abandon us and to always be with us and strengthen and help us and uphold us. If you are facing a season of feeling isolated, turn to God. Learn to trust Him through prayer and reading the Bible. Welcome His presence into your life.

You can do this! Put yourself out there, make new friends or renew old friendships. You will be so happy you did!

Sometimes It's Hard to See What's Best for Ourselves in Relationships

Relationships with others are essential to our emotional health. However, it’s sometimes hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.

And then there are toxic relationships. These are the relationships that, if not corrected, could become extremely harmful. They are not necessarily hopeless, but require a lot of work to be corrected. Spotting a toxic relationship isn’t always easy since many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. Fortunately, there’s been a lot of recent psychological study into healthy and happy relationships and there are some principles that pop up consistently.

These are a few red flags of a toxic relationship:

– Passive aggression
– Arguing without communication
– Extreme jealousy
– Feelings of low self-worth
– Being secretive/hiding things from one another
– Constantly bringing up past mistakes in present arguments
– Avoiding one another
– Physical violence
– Wishing that things were as they once were in the relationship
– Feelings of unfaithfulness

Just because a relationship has taken a toxic course does not mean that it cannot be fixed through time and hard work. However, it does not mean that things must always be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that a relationship has run its course. Oftentimes there are a lot of things that we put up with simply because the pain that relationships bring us is less intimidating than the pain of letting go of the people that we love.

But we must remember to make ourselves a priority and put our well-being before anything else, even if it isn’t always easy. Even if you cannot imagine your life without a person, with time and distance, you will realize that you are healthier without the presence of the relationship.

This guest blog is written by Madison, blogger for You Matter, a part of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and a safe space for youth to discuss and share stories about mental health and wellness.

For information on how to meet, make, and maintain good friendships, check out:

Alcohol is the most harmful drug, even worse than heroin and crack cocaine. ~Dr. David Nutt

Does this statement shock you? It is the truth. Dr. David Nutt is a professor of neuropsychopharmacology at Imperial College London. He studies how drugs affect the mind. In this video interview, he explains why alcohol is the number one drug problem in the U.K., even worse than heroin and crack cocaine.

Alcohol Is The Most Harmful Drug

Maybe you drink with your friends and tell yourself, "Well at least I don't do drugs." (Read about the Opioid Epidemic) That is a lie, because in fact alcohol is a drug. Or maybe you think to yourself, "There's nothing wrong with drinking beer." Beer is alcohol and alcohol is a drug. I want to share some facts with you about alcohol and alcohol addiction that will hopefully change your thinking about this toxic and dangerous drug.

Here are some facts you may not know about alcohol. I want you to see that alcohol addiction is a BIG problem:

• Alcohol is the common term for ethanol or ethyl alcohol, a chemical substance found in gasoline and nail polish remover. (Who would pour gasoline down their throat?)
• In Ireland, there are almost twice as many deaths due to alcohol as all other drugs combined.
• In the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 58% of full-time college students ages 18–22 drank alcohol in the past month.
• Drinking alcohol increases the risk of many different cancers, such as cancer of the mouth, esophagus, larynx, liver, colon, and breast.
• Alcohol use during the teenage years interferes with normal adolescent brain development.
• One study found that heavy-drinking adolescents who had been sober for 3 weeks still scored 10% lower than non-drinking peers on tests requiring verbal and nonverbal recall and skills needed for map reading, geometry, and science.
• Alcohol is the fourth leading preventable cause of death in the United States.
• According to the World Health Organization the use of alcohol results in 3.3 million deaths yearly.
• Youth who drink heavily have 23.6 times greater odds of intentionally injuring themselves by means such as self-cutting, attempted hanging, or self-poisoning as compared to youth who don’t drink heavily.

So if alcohol is such a dangerous drug WHY are so many people using it? Because alcohol is a profitable industry. Did you know that total alcoholic beverage sales in the United States alone was 219.52 billion U.S. dollars in 2015? And even the government benefits from taxes paid on the sales of alcohol.

Alcohol companies spend about $2 billion every year advertising in the United States to sell you lies, convincing you that alcohol will make you happy or beautiful or fun or relaxed. The people in the ads are always skinny, attractive, smiling, and surrounded by friends. They are trying to make it look appealing, safe, natural, and normal. And they start early turning you into a consumer.

Look at this baby bottle shaped like a champagne flute. The truth is that alcohol causes weight gain, makes your skin wrinkle prematurely, causes cancer, damages your brain, and more. Alcohol addiction is not pretty or happy or fun. I want you to know the truth about alcohol so you can have a reason to say no when someone tries to hand you a drink. If you have already ventured down that path and are struggling please download our free eBook below. Don't fall for the lies.

References:
Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth
World Health Organization
National Survey on Drug Use and Health
Scientific Study: "Drug harms in the UK"
Facts from "Alcohol Action Ireland"

Digital Diet – The How and Why

Internet Addiction Disorder, Electronic Screen Syndrome, Digital Detoxes, Digital Diets, etc. Have you heard these terms? They are subjects that are currently generating a lot of discussions.

It’s an interesting conversation and one I’m glad is occurring.

As far as personal experience goes, yes, it is true, I don’t own a smartphone myself. I am still using the archaic mode of communication…the flip phone.

However, I hear from many people who struggle with screen addictions or social media addictions to the point that it is adversely affecting their lives. So I understand the challenge from the stories they share and I’ve done my research to offer the best help I can. Listen to my call with Melissa:

Chances are you probably don’t think you have a problem. Right? I mean all your friends are just as obsessed with their devices as you are. Everyone you know checks their Instagram feed constantly, keeps 50 Snap Chat streaks alive every day, watches YouTube and Netflix for hours on end. You are just like everyone else. That may be true or maybe you are fooling yourself.

Here’s the kicker…there isn’t necessarily a specific amount of time spent online which determines if you have a problem. It’s more about how the time you spend online impacts you and your life.

Let me clearly state that I am NOT anti-technology, anti-smart phone or anti-social media. Just because I don’t have a smartphone, doesn’t mean I don’t see how it could be beneficial.  I also know that there are tremendous benefits and good uses for Social Media, etc.  It just concerns me when any online-related, compulsive behavior begins to interfere with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, and one’s work environment.

So do you want to take a test to see if you have a Screen Addiction?

Here is the Internet Addiction Diagnostic Questionnaire developed by Dr. Kimberly Young. If you answer “yes” to 5 out of the 8 questions, it means you are addicted:

1. Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet (think about a previous online activity or anticipate the next online session)?

2. Do you feel the need to use the Internet with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction?

3. Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use?

4. Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use?

5. Do you stay online longer than originally intended?

6. Have you jeopardized or risked the loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?

7. Have you lied to family members, therapists, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet?

8. Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)?

How’d you do?  If after answering those questions you realize you may actually be addicted to the internet, perhaps you are now thinking “Well, what can I do about it? It’s not like I can just give up my phone.”

Don’t lose heart. You can break this addiction. And you don’t need to quit cold turkey to do it.

The Digital Diet

Think of a digital diet like a food diet.  There comes a time when you just need to make healthier choices to get to a healthier place.  A digital diet is about being mindful of what you are doing online and how much time you spend there.  It's about embracing the good it brings such as using it for work, school, and fun without over-consuming. It's about moderating yourself. 

So what might a digital diet look like?

Try these 5 things:

1. Schedule No-Device times in your day. For example, always put your phone away at mealtimes. Or establish a boundary for yourself to not look at your device past 10 pm. Or perhaps you get an hour of screen time after school and then you put it away for 2 hours. Figure out what works for you and then stick to it.  It will be tempting to pick it up…but like a diet…you’ll need a little willpower and in the long run you will be happier.

2. Don’t charge your phone/devices in your room at night. Is it the first thing you look at in the morning and the last thing you look at before bed? Give your brain and eyes a rest. Plug your phone in somewhere else during the night to decrease the temptation. But you say, “It’s my alarm clock.”  You know what?  They do still make good old-fashioned alarm clocks for very little cost.

3. Avoid Push Notifications. If you have push notifications turned on for everything, your phone will never stop binging. Ask yourself if you really need to know every time someone updates their post or likes a picture or sends an e-mail? What push notifications could you turn off so that you are not inundated by bells and whistles? You can still find every new post and update it when you choose to go look at them. You just don’t need to be interrupted every time one comes in.

4. Limit the number of episodes or videos you watch. Do you find yourself binge-watching a show on Netflix? Or going from one YouTube video to the next? Set a limit for yourself. (You do tell yourself you can't eat the whole package of Oreo's don't you?) Tell yourself you will watch no more than 2 shows at a sitting.

5. Take a social media break. How often do you check your feeds or look at Snap Chat stories? Have you ever actually counted how many times you click on that little icon to see if there is anything new out there? I promise it wouldn’t kill you to take a break.

Maybe for a week give up social media or at least one bit of your social media. See how much more time you have. You might even find you are less stressed when you don’t have to try to stay on top of every feed. And when you start using it again, don’t go back to where you left off and try to get all the way through. Trust me you will live without seeing what your acquaintance ate for supper.

If you are still resistant to taking a digital diet because you are thinking, “Well, really, what’s the big deal? I’m not really hurting myself or anyone else,” the truth is you could very likely be hurting yourself and your relationships with others.

Research shows that internet/screen addiction can damage your brain. Overstimulation can impair brain structure and function, especially when a person’s brain is not fully developed which doesn’t happen until the mid-twenties. The effects of this are vast but here are some examples:

• Irritability
• Trouble sleeping
• Poor concentration
• Affects the ability to develop empathy and compassion for others
• Can cause cravings similar to drug cravings
• Poor impulse control
• Cause anxiety or stress in small things

Here are some additional pitfalls of a screen addiction:

1. Superficial Relationships - With a social media addiction your superficial online relationships can start to take the place of real personal relationships.

2. Become irresponsible - You can waste so much time staring at a screen that, without even realizing it, you were sucked in for hours. During this time perhaps you should have been studying, sleeping, doing tasks around your home. Perhaps it’s even affecting your career. If you feel the need to check your phone at work all the time to keep up on social media or read your push notifications, you will be less productive. Period.

3. Missing out - You can be so engaged in the online world that you ignore the life that is happening around you. Did your parent, sibling, spouse try to have a conversation with you, but you ignored them to stare at your phone? Did someone ask you to go out, but you declined?

4. Trapped Inside - You can forget that there is an outdoors with adventures awaiting because your screen has become too tempting and you just can’t leave it.

5. Boredom – You simply don’t know how to create any fun or excitement in your life anymore. You can’t think creatively and discover things to do. Unless you are looking at a screen, you find life to be boring.

This doesn’t have to happen to you. Take the digital diet today! Do you think screen addiction is a serious problem for people today? Have you struggled yourself? Are there additional tips you can pass along for people addicted to their phones? Please leave a comment below.

For many more tips, videos, and information about screen addictions, please download our free eBook today.