Hope For Your Broken Heart

Some people tell me that after their heart has been broken, they can’t eat, they can’t sleep, and their grades start dropping. It’s not an easy journey to move from a broken heart to healing, but it is possible, and it is necessary. You will need to take some hard steps of putting the hurt behind you so you can get on with the rest of your life. I hate to see you suffer, so here are a few tips for moving forward after a broken heart.

5 Ways to Move Ahead

1. Let go of mementos. If you’ve been dating someone a while, you no doubt have collected items that remind you of the one who left you behind. When you were still dating that person, these mementos meant the world to you and had a powerful impact on your emotions. But now, these same mementos only work to break your heart.

These include things like pictures, rings, pillows, music, clothes, etc. Hanging on to reminders of the relationship will get in the way of moving on. Get rid of them. This can be hard to do because there is something very final about throwing them away. You are finally admitting to yourself, “It’s over. It’s truly over.” This is an important step to take.

2. Keep yourself busy by giving to others. When you were dating, you spent hours and hours with your special someone who has broken your heart. Now you have all this time on your hands. People who get over broken hearts find ways to fill that time with something positive. For example, you might want to get to know your friends again. Hanging out with them will help remind you of the good old days before your ex. Or you can get involved in helping organizations like Big Brothers/Big Sisters or volunteer somewhere else. Filling your time with positive activities will both help distract you and help you feel good again

3. Take care of yourself physically. It is very difficult to overcome a broken heart when you don’t feel good physically. Not feeling well only adds to your depression. When people have their hearts broken, people either tend to quit eating or begin overeating. Sometimes they try to self-medicate through drugs or alcohol. None of this works and usually makes matters far worse.

When we eat right, we have more energy, more endurance, and less mood swings. Getting good exercise actually triggers chemicals in our brain helping to lift our mood. Have a friend to encourage you to exercise and eat right. Soon you will be feeling better, even if you’re not sure why.

4. Realize it’s mostly about you, not your ex. Any event in our lives is just that an event. The issue comes down to how we interpret that event. Two people going through the same type of break-up can interpret it and respond to it very differently. So, in the end, it comes down to whether you are going to allow this break-up to make you stronger or stay a victim. It’s no longer about the ex and how horrible they were or what they did. At some point it becomes mostly about you and whether or not you decide to move on.

5. Move on. Finally, that moment comes. Sometimes it creeps up on you. Other times, it’s like a light bulb goes on in your heart and you say to yourself, “It’s time for me to move on. I’m not going to die. The sun will come up tomorrow and I feel myself learning to live without the other person. In fact, I can go a whole day without thinking of him/her.” When that happens, it’s an awesome thing. There’s nothing quite like the realization you have decided to move on.

For more help and answers to your questions on breaking up and heartbreak, check out this page full of blogs, podcasts, stories, and more! 

Broken Heart

I want to blog on a subject almost every one of us at one time or another will have to face, and that is how to deal with a broken heart. On my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, the number one topic people want to talk about is how to get over a heartbreak with their boyfriend/girlfriend or how to win back their bf/gf.

15 Practical Steps to Help You Get Over Heartbreak

If you haven't had a broken heart yet, you will someday. Maybe you will be able to go through the dating relationships until you find the right one without getting hurt. But in the end, someday someone might break your heart. Maybe one of your children or someone else in your family. If you have the capacity to love, and I'm sure you do, then you also have the capacity to be hurt. Specifically, let's talk about a broken heart caused by a bf/gf. So, what causes a broken heart?

Your Heart is Broken When...

• You find out your bf/gf is cheating on you with your best friend.
• That sick feeling you feel when your bf/gf becomes more and more distant, and you know something is wrong.
• That frustration and hurt you feel when the fights with your bf/gf become more frequent and more destructive.
• The lightning bolt shock that takes your breath away when the person you love tells you they don't want to date you anymore.
• The humiliating feeling that comes over you when you hear the one you love to say, "Let's just be friends."

But the question remains, what can you do to fix or mend a broken heart? While it's hard to define what a broken heart is, everyone knows what it feels like when they have one. This blog series could end up being one of the most meaningful series you have ever read. I hope so because I don't want you to suffer any more pain than you absolutely have to.

If you follow the advice, I will be giving you, I'm convinced you will heal much quicker. Let me prepare you for this series. I'm going to list for you the Top 15 things you can do to help heal a broken heart and next week explain what each one means.

15 Ways to Get Over a Broken Heart

1. Take heart, you will get through this.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
4. Immediately take your broken heart to God.
5. Give yourself time to heal.
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
7. Be careful…don’t date destructive people to begin with.
8. Don’t overreact and embarrass yourself.
9. Don’t overanalyze.
10. Don’t go into rebound dating.
11. Let go of mementos.
12. Keep yourself busy by giving to others.
13. Take Care of yourself physically.
14. It’s mostly about you, not your ex.
15. Move on

I’m going to break this list down into manageable sections so we can dive deeper into each of these 15 points.

I want to look at the healing process, moving forward, & things to avoid for a broken heart. 

Nobody gets into a relationship intending to get hurt. However, it seems like to have a relationship at all, especially a dating relationship, puts you at risk of being hurt or rejected by a person you care about very much. Anything worthwhile has its risks. I agree with the old saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

4 Ways to Avoid Heartbreak

Not to love is to make our lives empty, cold, and in deep need. That being said, it still hurts a lot when someone you love rejects you. Let’s face it, we are imperfect people who have relationships with other flawed humans. Hurt and unmet dreams are inevitable.

However, what DOESN’T have to happen once your heart has been broken is for you to heap more heartbreak on top of it. There are some common mistakes people make that add further insult to injury, so to speak.

Here are four things to avoid:

1. Don’t date destructive people.

Some people want to experience love again so badly they end up getting involved with all the wrong people. I talk a lot about this in my blogs about love addiction. These people have no real idea who the person is they think they are in love with.
Some relationships are simply not worth the drama. You can save yourself a lot of pain if you commit to only dating people who are stable and have their act together. Relationships are challenging enough. Why shed needless tears by getting involved with dysfunctional people.

2. Don’t overreact or seek revenge.

When someone you love rejects you, it’s easy to overreact. The pain and confusion from a breakup can cause you to do just about anything to win your bf/gf back OR to cause them pain through revenge. So be sure to think twice before:

• Posting anything to social media. Once it’s out there the world will see…even if you later delete it. A day later you might wonder “What was I thinking?”  and be embarrassed. The fact is, you weren’t thinking. You were reacting.
• Behaving obsessively, such as driving by your ex’s house 100 times or calling your ex over and over again. These kinds of reactions will just make your self-esteem sink lower. Hold your head high and go on with life.
• Trashing their reputation or possessions. Revenge never makes you feel better about yourself. Even if you feel they deserve it. Now you just sunk to their level.

Embarrassing yourself only makes the pain worse and slows down the healing process.

Kate realizes her desperation isn’t helping, but doesn’t know what else to do, “I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn’t that long a time, but I completely gave myself to him. I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn’t love me, and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can’t live without him, and my heart is genuinely broken." (Kate)

3. Don’t over-analyze.

Some people (and this may be you) are big-time dwellers. They spend hours analyzing every last detail about the relationship. Over-analysis of a broken relationship only leads to confusion, depression, and a massive waste of time.
These people always end up getting confused and coming to the wrong conclusion because they cannot look at the situation in a balanced way. They end up either worshiping their ex or hating them for what has happened. Once you’ve thought through what went wrong with the relationship and what was good about it, let it go or you will cause yourself unnecessary drama and heartache.

4. Don’t go into rebound dating.

While it is important to move on and be around other people, beware of rebound dating. Rebound dating is when you jump into a new relationship without getting to know the person in the hopes that this new relationship will heal your broken heart. Unfortunately, rebound dating usually results in another breakup and more heartbreak.

Rebound dating also causes you to compare the new person with your last love. Comparing others never works. You likely have a distorted view of your last love. No one will meet those standards.

Try dating just for fun or hanging out just to get to know people better. "I get all depressed over something that was totally a waste of time and tears. Then, I go right back to guys to try to solve the problem and it starts all over again."(CJ) CJ is a rebounder. Try not to fall into that trap.

If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For more help with heartbreak, read this blog.

Do You Feel Worthless?

When you hate your life and yourself, you often feel worthless. But you're not alone. The reality is, that every one of us questions our value at some point.

• Do people like me?
• What does my life matter to anyone? Does anyone really care?
• People say such mean things about me, that must be what I’m really like.
• Why do people hurt me? I must not deserve any better
• Why am I such a mess up?
• Why doesn’t anyone notice me?

We Base Our Worth on What People Think

We all base our worth on how others view us. If someone else finds me worthy of their love, I must be worth something, right? But if I don’t feel like I am receiving approval from anyone, if no one else is noticing my worth, then maybe I’m not worth anything.

We base our value on praise from others either for something we’ve done or bought or the way we look...because essentially, if someone else thinks I’m O.K., then I must be O.K.

While I would like to say, don’t worry about what others think, I don’t think that is realistic.

I think all of us are wired this way….we are wired to be loved and accepted.

Base Our Worth on What God Thinks

The problem is people never love perfectly.  Their views and opinions are constantly changing. They can never completely fill us up. And quite honestly, some people love horribly.

Let me just say to the child who has never been unconditionally loved or accepted by a parent, I am truly sorry, but it is NOT your fault, and it does NOT mean you are worthless.

I believe the only way to gain deep-rooted self-worth is to understand how God, your creator, views you. Even if you struggle with something as dark as depression and suicidal thoughts, God can and will help you, because His love is perfect, unconditional, and pure. He thinks you are worthy. Once you understand this in the core of your being, in your soul, you will no longer depend on the fleeting approval of others, but your worth will be built on the solid foundation of an unchanging God.

It is absolutely possible with God's help to stop hating yourself. If you will start looking at yourself the way God sees you, you can change your self-loathing to self-assurance. You can change from hating yourself to knowing you are made in God's image. God says you are: awesome, special, loved, cherished, beautiful, chosen, and so much more.

God talks to us through His Word, the Bible.  It is His love letter to you.  The Bible is full of the truth about how God feels about you.

Do you ever wonder "Am I worthy of God's love?"

Below are some of my favorite verses from the Bible that describe who you are in God's eyes.

Let these words soak in. You can even try inserting your name into any one of these statements from the Bible.

Bible Verses about Feeling Worthless

God designed you and thought of you before you were born

Imagine being dreamed about before you were even born – God dreamed about you!

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (Psalm 139:13-16)

God Thinks about you

Imagine how it would feel to have someone love you so much they couldn’t stop thinking about you – that’s God!

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" (Psalm 139:17-18)

God Sings over you

Imagine someone singing a love song just for you- God does!!

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

God Will Never Forget You

Imagine someone tattooing your name on their hand – God has!!

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” (Psalm 49:15-16)

God will never abandon you

Imagine never having to worry about being alone – God is always there.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you." (Deuteronomy 31:8)

God Delights in you

Imagine someone who finds joy in knowing you – God does!

"He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me." (Psalm 18:19)

"The LORD’s delight is in those who fear Him, those who put their hope in His unfailing love." (Psalm 147:11)

God Cares for you

Imagine someone who is willing to take on your burdens – God will!

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

God makes you NEW

Imagine someone who doesn’t care about your past, but will accept you and make you new – that’s God.

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

God sees you as a Masterpiece

Imagine being thought of as priceless, created with a purpose in mind.

"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (Ephesians 2:10)

God Loves You

Imagine a love so deep that someone would offer their child’s life to save yours and then make you their child – that’s what God did.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." (Ephesians 1:4)

"See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!" (1 John 3:1)

God Saves You

Imagine that despite your past mistakes, someone offers you a do-over for free, that will not be taken away – God offers you this!

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23)

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." (Romans 8:1-2)

Did the Words Sink In?

Are you beginning to understand? You are SO precious. Not because of what people think, not because of what you do, not because you look a certain way or have achieved a certain thing. You are worth so much because God loves you. Even if you struggle with something as overwhelming as self-harm, depression, and suicide, prayer and leaning toward God can change your life. If you want to learn more, here are some more resources for finding self-worth and some additional verses of hope.

She sits at her computer looking back over her shoulder, frightened he’s going to walk in the room and discover she is searching for a shelter.

Her heart sinks as she gets her 20th text this hour questioning her whereabouts, telling her she should be home, accusing her of being with another guy. She does everything to assure him she is just shopping with her mom, but he wants her home.

The above scenarios are reality for many people who are in abusive relationships. I hear these kinds of stories all the time on my radio show.

Here’s a radio clip from when Jessica called in to seek help for her terrifying situation:

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On a daily basis approximately 71,000 victims receive services for domestic violence in America from either emergency shelters, transitional housing, child advocacy groups, legal advocacy and counseling. (Source: National Network to End Domestic Violence)

It is not O.K. that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience violence from their partners in their lifetimes.  So, let's talk about it.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, first and foremost, know that you are NOT alone, that this is NOT your fault, and help IS available.  I want to start by pointing out some definite warning signs, provide a few safety tips and offer encouragement.

Let’s begin by talking about some RED FLAGS! If you are just beginning a relationship with someone and something seems a little off, it probably is.

If you are beginning to wonder if you are getting into an abusive relationship, here are some warning signs:

• Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.
• Early in the relationship flatters you constantly and seems "too good to be true."
• Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.
• Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job.
• Does not honor your boundaries.
• Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.
• Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, and/or fat/unattractive, or that no one else would ever want or love you.
• Takes no responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others.
• Takes your money or runs up your credit card debt.
• Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others.
  (www.nnedv.org)

If you have experienced any of this, please know you are not to blame. You didn’t know what you were getting into, and once you are in the relationship it can be hard to see what’s going on. If you are starting to get concerned, it is time for you reach out for help….but how?

Three Important Steps to Escape an Abusive Relationship:

1. Get Support.

As mentioned above, abusers will often try to isolate their partner, so you may not have a good support system anymore and you may be concerned that no one will understand. But I promise you there is support. Please confide in someone and if you don’t think you have anyone to talk to, please chat with TheHopeLine®. We will listen to you and help your find resources in your area to help you get to safety. You are not alone.

2. Make a Safety Plan.

• Have an escape route in mind to get out of the house quickly if your partner becomes violent. If you have kids, tell them the plan.
• You might want to alert your neighbors that if they hear yelling coming from your house that you would like them to call the police. It might not   be a comfortable conversation, but it could save your life.
• Pack a bag with essentials and store it at a friend or family member’s house in case you ever need to leave suddenly. This could include clothes, medicines, important documents (birth certificates, social security cards, etc.), money, etc.
• Speaking of money…if possible, open a bank account or hide money so you can be financially independent for a while.

3. Internet Safety. Since abusers are most often controlling and suspicious, chances are they are monitoring your on-line activities. It doesn’t take much expertise for them to be able to track what you are doing on-line – so be careful and follow these tips.

• Avoid making any sudden changes in your internet use. For example, don’t go in and delete your entire internet history if that is not something you typically would do. That could raise their suspicions. In fact, continue normal internet activities on your computer/phone like shopping or checking the weather or news.
• You can delete certain items from your browsing history, but with just a little digging or spyware, those could still be discovered. The best practice would be to use a safer computer (a friends or the library, etc.) to look for shelters, a new job, a new place to live, bus tickets, etc.

Now if you have taken the courageous step to get out of the abusive relationship, I know your fears are not necessarily over. You may still feel very unsafe. This was certainly the case for Stacey when she called my show. In the following clip, Stacey shares her fears after her ex found her via social media. I then opened it up to have other radio listeners give Stacey advice. Lisa called in with some awesome tips that she used to protect herself from her own abusive partner.

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4 key points Lisa makes for keeping yourself “hidden” from your abuser are:

1. Get a PO Box in a neighboring town or county.

2. Change your e-mail address

3. Get rid of social media (You don’t know who your abuser may be using to dig up information.)

4. Ask your cell phone provider to set your number to always come up as a blocked number when you call anyone.

I also received many comments on my Facebook page from people who had good advice for Stacey. Here is some of their GREAT advice:

Sarah Jane talked about Social Media Protection – “Block him. Block anybody that knows him, talks to him, or even are friends with him on Facebook. Turn everything to private. And completely STOP accepting friend requests even if they seem like completely normal people sending you a request. It's probably him. Or somebody who knows him and he's sent them your way to "watch" you. Call me paranoid, but I've been down that road before. He will go to all lengths just to make sure he's giving you hell or at least staying up to date with your life. It'll forever have you watching over your shoulder, and to this very day I still do.”

An even safer route would be to take Chris’ advice, “Bite the bullet, take a social media break for a while. Shift your focus, and bury yourself in prayer.”

Laura talked about the importance of keeping a record of each interaction the abuser has with you, “Document EVERY SINGLE ENCOUNTER no matter how big or small. Do your best to block him but if he breaks through write it down and keep it all together. Do not engage him.”

There is a lot of important information in this blog for you to consider. Remember you don’t have to do this on your own. Support is available.
Finally, I want to encourage you to pray continually, asking God to protect you and provide for you, and ask others to pray for you as well. If you don’t know who to ask for prayer, please post a request on TheHopeLine Prayer page. There are people waiting to pray for you.

God promises His protection when we call out to Him. I shared three verses from the Bible with Stacey to bring her comfort. Please listen to the clip below…these promises are for you as well.

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"You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance."
(Psalm 32:7)

Are you the Cheater? Now what?

You messed up...you cheated on your partner. What you do next could make all the difference, and you have a lot of options. For example, you could wallow in your own guilt and shame, or, the opposite, you could blame everyone else for your actions. You could give up on the relationship and run, or you could attempt to restore what’s been broken.

There are many scenarios…some better than others, so here are some things to consider as you look to the future.

5 Ways to Approach the person you cheated on and your relationship:

1.You don’t have to assume the relationship is over. If you decide to immediately run from the relationship, you are avoiding taking any responsibility. It’s really a cop out. Maybe the relationship won’t last, but it very well could. And it might even end up stronger on the other side, if you are BOTH willing to work at it.

2. Acknowledge you messed up and seek forgiveness. You have created a problem in the relationship. You have broken trust and caused another person to perhaps feel unloved or not good enough. Sure, there may be deeper problems between you and your partner, but the fact remains your infidelity was a betrayal of your commitment.

3. End all communication with the person you cheated with. This probably goes without saying, but if you want any chance of restoring your relationship, you need to cut ALL ties with the person you cheated with. This will demonstrate to your partner that you are serious about saving your relationship and committed to them alone.

4. Give your partner time to heal. Realize that you have wounded them deeply and it will take time for them to forgive you and learn to trust you again. Don’t insinuate that they should “be over it” by now.

5. Answer their questions honestly. As you work to gain their trust back it is important to be absolutely transparent and willing to talk about what happened. Try to view what happened through their eyes and what you might want to know and how you might feel if the tables were turned.

Whether the relationship survives or not, let’s consider how you, personally, can move forward. You don't want to go through this again. You want to heal from the past and have meaningful relationships in the future.

5 Life-changing Steps for the Cheater:

1. Figure out why you did it. There could be many reasons – it could be because of something missing in your relationship, or something missing within yourself. It could be the situation you allowed yourself to be in. Regardless, no one is to blame for the fact that you gave in to the temptation of cheating except for you. It is important to figure out what is at the root of your behavior so you can keep it from happening again.

2. Don’t let this mistake define you. It’s commonly said, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” However, this doesn’t have to be true. If you decide you want to change, you can, especially if you seek God’s help. He wants to help you conquer the temptations you face in life. There is a great song by 10th Avenue North that says, “You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.” I love this line because you don’t need to continually label yourself as a “cheater,” you are so much more.

3. Accept you can’t go back in time. To obsess over wanting a “do-over”, isn’t going to change anything. At some point you need to accept what’s done is done. Now it is time to learn from it and move forward. Wallowing in regret does not make you a pleasant person to be around and it keeps you from investing in the lives of others because you are too focused on yourself.

4. Forgive yourself. No one is better at beating yourself up than you. It is good to realize how much you hurt another person, and feel deeply sorry about it, but at some point, you need to forgive yourself. It is not healthy to hate yourself or think you need to continually suffer for what you did. Forgiveness is giving up your desire to make someone pay for what they did. When you forgive yourself, you are saying, I know what I did was wrong, but I will stop punishing myself for it, so that I can move forward and be a better person.

5. Accept God’s forgiveness. Confess your sin to God and then accept his forgiveness. Did you sin? Sure. Was it bad and did it hurt others? Sure. Does that mean God can’t or won’t forgive you? Absolutely not. God is longing to forgive you. For you to keep dwelling on your sin and believing it’s too much for God to forgive is insulting to God. It’s like you are saying to God, “I know you sent your son, Jesus, to die on a cross so that he could pay for the burden of my sin, and I can be forgiven, but that’s not enough for me. My sin is too big for that.” God says it is enough! Believe that! Rest assured that he has removed your sins from you as far as the east is from the west.

 

Do I Own My Love Addiction?

Breaking the chains of love addiction might be one of the most difficult battles to fight. True, there is no physical withdrawal from breaking love addiction. But the emotional effects of trying to break away are all but overwhelming. Love addiction attacks us at the core of our being. It touches our heart, the very seat of our emotions and affections. There may be nothing more powerful in our lives than the desire to love and be loved. That is why it is so important we take care of our hearts, and not go crazy trying to meet our deepest needs in ways that can be destructive for a lifetime.

Last week, we talked about the words of King Solomon when he said, Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. How I wish each of us had heeded the words of the wisest man in the Bible. How many tearful nights and broken hearts could have been saved. There have been literally millions of people who have ruined their lives with destructive relationships, all the while thinking they had found love and sold their souls to keep it.
Some of the signs of love addiction are:

• finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
• choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive

Mariah said, "I got out of rehab for heroin and replaced that habit with what I now know is love addiction. I had never heard of this term before tonight. I listened to your radio show, and realized that I am most definitely a love addict. My boyfriend is abusive, but I am a slave to him, and for the most part, I don't care. I am terrified of being alone." She is honest about moving from one addiction (heroin) to another (love addiction).

So what can we do to break this love addiction that's not really love at all? Real love never destroys, but only builds up.

To break love addiction we must own it.

What do I mean when I say, we must OWN our addictions? According to the dictionary, one definition of to own is, to acknowledge or to admit. To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a full-blown love addict.

To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a love addict. That means there's no denial, cover-up, pretending, or head games with ourselves. It means to agree from the very core of our being that love addiction has taken over our lives. This is never easy to do.

Amy said, "I believe it is hard for people to admit due to the fact that they may not see it. Once they do that's when their world comes crashing down. No one wants to believe they are with someone due to trying to run and/or hide from deep emotions." When we own our addiction, we are saying some pretty tough things about ourselves.

3 Things that are not easy to admit when you have love addiction.

1. No one wants to own the fact their life may be sadly empty. 
None of us want to admit that due to our past or bad choices we often feel dead inside and only have a sense of being alive when we have the excitement of a boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. No one wants to own the fact they were the victim of early abandonment when they were children.
Almost all love addicts were in some way abandoned by their caretakers when they were young. Just the thought of being abandoned and not being able to do anything about it can lead them to panic, fear, rage, and despair.

3. No one wants to own the fact they have been living in a fantasy world.
Most all love addicts live in a fantasy world, and in that fantasy there is someone who will rescue them or make them feel completely loved, protected, secure, and full of value. Healthy relationships are wonderful and a gift from God, but no relationship can meet all those needs. As I say to callers on my radio show, There is no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, and no boyfriend/girlfriend can meet your deepest needs. It is so very difficult to let go of your fantasies and admit they weren't true and will never happen.

I have listed just a few of the facts we must own in order to break the chains of love addiction.

You can get free from love addiction. But it takes some deep looking and understanding how we may have lost guard of our hearts in the past. Find out more here. 

In my blog How to Stop Lying I listed eight things you can do to help break the bad habit of lying.
But I don’t just want to give you tips on how to stop lying. I want to motivate you by giving you two very important reasons WHY you should stop.

Top Two Reasons You Should Stop Lying

First of all, NOBODY wants to be friends with a liar because liars can’t be trusted, and they hurt other people with their lies…often in order to protect themselves. If you desire any REAL relationships in your life, you need to be trustworthy.

Second, liars will eventually get caught, and deservedly so. Lying is a destructive force and it will catch up to you.
In fact, I want to use the rest of this blog to help protect people from liars. Below is a list of a number of signals to watch for if you think someone may be lying. It’s not going to be completely possible to know every time someone lies, but there are definite signs that should send up a red flag.

Ericka told me about some of the pain caused by the lying of her ex-husband: I have two young children (3 & 1) and just left their father because he was addicted to gambling. I always thought that cheating would be the worst, but I soon discovered that along with gambling came lie after lie. Our relationship was never going to improve without trust. Discovering his lying earlier could possibly have saved Ericka and her children some needless pain. Would that be possible? I believe it is possible by figuring out how to know if someone is lying.

Lying is a stressful behavior, and it causes people to act differently when they lie.

We’ve all seen people take lie detector tests on TV or in the movies. It is an effective instrument, not because it can tell right from wrong, but because it can reveal when a person’s body is reacting in a stressful manner. Because lying is so wrong, it can cause stressful behavior, showing signs we can detect through body language.

It is important to learn to read body language. How does a person act in normal circumstances? Notice normal eye, hand and body movements, and facial expressions during regular conversation. Then you will better notice when the body language changes…showing the stress of lying.

One of the easiest and best ways to tell if someone is lying is by looking into their eyes. Most people who are lying have a difficult time holding eye contact with the person they’re lying to. Jenna agrees: It is hard to tell when people are lying to you. But in my case, I found that when someone is lying, they don’t give you eye contact.

8 More Signs Someone May Be Lying to You:

How to Catch a Liar:

• A lying person may become tense and freeze up while telling the lie. Others may move their body way more than normal.
• A lying person may appear uncomfortable fast eye blinking, scratching, itching, swallowing hard, fidgeting, etc.
• A lying person may look up and to the right.
• A lying person may touch their nose or cover up their face or mouth.
• A lying person may often raise the pitch or speed of their voice.
• A lying person may present a wide-eyed, innocent look.
• A lying person may create noticeable pauses in the conversation as they are trying to come up with something to say that fits the lie they are creating.
• A lying person often tells a different version of their original lie the second time around.

You’re not always going to be able to discover if a person is lying to you, but usually if it feels like a lie, it almost always is.

My desire is to help both those who lie and those who have been lied to. I care for you equally. So, it is my hope that if you are in the habit of lying you will stop and think twice. Know that your lies will ruin friendships and you will eventually get caught. And if you believe you are being lied to, trust your gut and confront the person you believe is being dishonest. It will be best for both of you in the long run.

The deeper we have gone into the subject of lying, the more we see how much pain and stress it causes everyone involved. Sadly, all of us have been affected by lying, whether our own or someone else's. I've been encouraged by those who have been helped by these blogs and want to live an honest life.

Honesty Brings Peace

Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You're always running through the lies you've told in your head, trying to keep track of what you've told to which person, and what's the next lie you need to tell. When you're honest, you don't have those worries, or the negative consequences of your lies.

Sarah added: When you're honest, you don't feel so lost all the time.

Roselyn commented: I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life. The fact you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on for lying puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has the better outcome than a bunch of lies.

People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can't. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn't. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected. As you begin to live lie-free, you will begin to see people will trust and respect you more and more.

If you resist the temptation to lie, you increase your capacity to build lasting relationships of trust. This is true in all our relationships whether it's dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: The truth always comes around. It's always best to be honest it makes any and every relationship strong and healthy. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying.

Honesty Builds Integrity

Integrity is a word few uses, and less understand. Yet if you, have it, it is priceless. If you are a person of integrity, it means your walk matches your talk...you do what you say you're going to do, and when you say something, people know you mean what you say. It means you can be trusted. The opposite of integrity is hypocrisy...saying one thing and doing another.

Someone commented about the value of being honest: I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay. This person has come to realize the pain of hypocrisy and the joy of integrity. When we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.

I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you're up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment, too.