Are You Feeling Overwhelmed?

It's so hard to be honest with ourselves and others about the effects we feel when our parents break up.

That is because our parents' divorce is devastating. We naturally put up walls of denial and silence and keep a certain distance between us and others. Yet, these techniques, in the end, fail us every time. That is why I want to talk about the emotional effects of your parent's break-up and how to deal with them.

The fact of the matter is that you are an innocent bystander, experiencing a tragedy for those closest to you. You cannot experience this without it having a profound impact on your life. Judith Wallerstein, an expert on the effects of divorce on children said, "Divorce is not just an episode in a child's life. It's like a natural disaster that really changes the whole trajectory of a child's life."

Ari put it in his own brutally, honest words: "My parents have been divorced since I was five years old; it still affects me today. Through their madness and horrible parenting, I somehow managed to survive. It's hard, but it is something that we all, as victims of parental divorce, have to do!"

Like Ari, you no doubt have experienced a lot of different emotions as you attempt to cope with the radical changes divorce has brought to your life. For example, Denisse spoke about her rage: "I didn't want anyone to talk to me about what was going on and I just wanted to be left alone in my pain. I got really angry at my mom for leaving me."

Whatever you are feeling is normal!

Whatever you are feeling, no matter how horrific, is really normal. It may not be healthy, but it is normal. Yet it can be so hard to talk about those feelings. Even to begin to explain how you feel can be paralyzing. Nonetheless, until you face your pain and put it into words, the pain will continue to haunt you and control you. It is absolutely critical to attempt to describe to yourself and others just how devastated you feel.

Journaling is a great way to begin putting a name on the pain you are experiencing. The following list might help you put words on what you are feeling.

35 Emotions You Might Feel After Your Parents' Divorce

 As a result of your parent's divorce, you might feel...

• Shocked
• Numb - sometimes there is an absence of any emotion
• Terrified
• Confused
• Bewildered
• Ashamed of yourself because you think you did something wrong.
• Guilty - like somehow it's your fault your parents split up.
• Angry with yourself because you didn't do things differently.
• Angry either toward your parents, or just angry in general.
• Sad - "I can't believe it's come to this."
• Grieving the loss of being a "normal" family
• Abandoned by the parent who moved out of the home.
• Afraid of losing your other parent if one parent already left.
• Embarrassed - not wanting anyone to know things are going to be different in your family.
• Disappointed
• Depressed - like things will never get better
• Suicidal
• Worried about what is going to happen to you and who will take care of you.
• Helpless or Powerless
• Unloved
• Pushed-aside
• Rejected
• Protective of one or both parents.
• Responsible for your brothers or sisters.
• Distrustful
• Lonely - you feel you don't have anyone to talk to, BUT remember you can talk to a HopeCoach
• Hopeless
• Withdrawn
• Worthless
• Distracted
• Exhausted
• Unable to sleep
• It's difficult to trust God
• Longing - longing for closure or longing for the way things used to be
• Relief - if your parents fought a lot or one parent was dangerous

This list might be pretty overwhelming to you. You may even have become aware of feelings you never knew you had. But don't give up. You can face these emotions and go on, and not just as a survivor, but as an overcomer.

God is With You in this Journey

If you are questioning why God would let this happen, that's o.k. God can handle your questions. Pray to Him. Tell him how you feel. Ask him to help you day by day.

And remember that God will never abandon you as you go through this hard time. He's waiting for you to pray to him for help  In the Bible it says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

After journaling it is important to talk to someone safe about how you are feeling. HopeCoaches are available to talk about the many emotions you may be feeling. You can also comment below about how your parents' divorce is affecting you today.

I have talked with a lot of people who have faced traumatic events in their life.  Many of them have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and don't even realize it. If you have faced a traumatic event in your life and are having a hard time coping, you may have PTSD.

The Shock and Memory of the Event

PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, is a mental health condition occurring after a traumatic event.  In other words, if you have PTSD, you are in shock and the memory of the event and your ability to process the event are disconnected. PTSD does not only apply to soldiers, but anyone who has been through a traumatic event can potentially have PTSD.  Traumatic events such as rape, kidnapping, abuse, war, neglect, or any event which leaves one feeling helpless. If you have faced a traumatic event and are struggling with the aftermath of it, then you might have PTSD and be facing a variety of symptoms.

Coping Skills for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Relieving PTSD is challenging, but not impossible. When your stress responses or flashbacks are triggered, and you are struggling with anxiety, flashbacks, tension, or other symptoms, here are some coping skills and strategies that I have found that can help:

Take some deep breaths

You can calm anxiety by slowing down your breathing.

• Start by taking a deep breath in through your nose and then sighing it out really loudly through your mouth (a hah sound).
• Next close your mouth and slowly breath in through your nose, first filling your lower lungs and then your upper lungs, breathe in slowly to the count of 3, hold your breath for a second at the top of the breath, and then slowly release the breath through your nose, in 3 counts (the same count as when you breathed in). You can increase the count as you are able to deepen your breath.  For example, if you are able to breathe in and out to the count of 5 then do so.
• Repeat breathing in and out of the nose 10 times.

Not only is this really great for anxiety, it helps with your immune system, oxygenating your heart and your brain, helps with digestion, helps detoxify, and helps calm the mind giving you better mental clarity.

Relax the muscles in your body

You can calm anxiety by relaxing the muscles in your body. This is called Progressive Muscle Relaxation. If you are tense and jumpy because of your anxiety, practicing this technique every day might help you to relax your body and mind when the anxiety starts to build. This practice will help you learn how to recognize what feeling relaxed should feel like and how to return to that state when the tension is growing in your body.

• Start by finding a comfortable place to sit, clear of distractions - close your eyes and let your body completely relax.
• Take a few deep breaths.
• Then focus on your left hand, notice how it feels before doing anything. Then slowly inhale while you clench your left fist into a ball and squeeze the muscles in your hand and feel the tension, do this for about 5 seconds (really feel the tension) and then exhale while you are releasing your left hand and feel all the tension leave the muscles.  (This should not be painful so if you feel any pain then stop immediately and consult a doctor.)
• Relax for about 15 seconds.
• Then focus on your right hand, notice how it feels before you do anything. Then slowly inhale as you clench your fist into a ball, tensing all the muscles in your right hand for about 5 seconds then exhale while you release and feel the tension leave your muscles.
• Relax for about 15 seconds.
• You can continue to do this as many times as needed with different muscle groups. For example, tense your neck and shoulders by raising your shoulders to your ears for 5 seconds and then completely release your shoulders.  You can tense your eyes by clenching your eyelids shut for 5 seconds and then completely relaxing your eyelids and eyebrows.

Get back to the things you love

Have you found yourself having a hard time getting back into the routine of life?  Have you stopped getting together with friends or stopped doing some of the things you used to enjoy?  Try one step at a time to get back to the things you enjoy doing.  Paint, draw, go for a walk with your dog, surf, have coffee with a friend or family member, ride a bike, go hiking, play tennis, play Frisbee. Play any sport you used to love, do any hobby you used to find joy in doing, go back to doing any activity, you really used to enjoy doing.

Take good care of yourself

Pay attention to what you are eating and try to eat right. Exercise. Get outside. It's easy to forget about taking care of yourself when struggling with PTSD but this will only contribute to making your PTSD symptoms worse.

Ground yourself during a flashback

 Flashbacks are a normal response to a traumatic event. Use objects and activities to ground yourself. There are many options of how to ground yourself, here are a few:

• Start by becoming aware of your immediate surroundings. Find where your body is connected to your chair. What does the chair feel like? What does it look like? What color is it?  Does it move?
• If you have a familiar object you can carry with you, like a stone or something familiar that you can have handy, then when having a flashback reach for that object, hold, it and rub it between your fingers, let the familiarity of that object bring you comfort.
• Run water over your hands and describe out loud how it feels.
• Say the alphabet backward.
• Slowly and lightly press your thumbs against each finger and repeat several times.

Need someone to talk to about what is going on? My HopeCoaches are ready to chat online with you 7 days a week. It's a free and confidential live chat with a HopeCoach to help you with anything that is going on in your life. They are here to listen and support you without judgment.

It is hard to know the difference between PTSD and CPTSD. Click here to learn what is C-PTSD is and signs you may have it.

In America:

• 14 million people die of cancer every year
• 25 million people have asthma
• 29.1 million people develop diabetes
• 53 million people have arthritis
• 61.5 million have a mental illness

So, I have to ask, if 61.5 million Americans are struggling with a mental illness, making it more common than diabetes or asthma, why is it that those people are still often afraid to discuss it?

I imagine it is because there is still a stigma surrounding mental illness, making people afraid of being labeled as crazy or being told they should just get over it. I think people are afraid of being seen as weak-minded or unable to cope.

Mental Illness is NOT Mental Weakness

Mental Illness can take on many forms. Depression and Suicidal Thoughts, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, bipolar, and many more.

Each of these are diagnosed illnesses. They are not weaknesses. They are illnesses. We need to start viewing them as such.

It's time to educate ourselves about how chemical imbalances in the brain determine mental illnesses. And then when we begin to see mental illness as a disease of the brain just like lung cancer is a disease of the lungs and arthritis is inflammation of the joints, maybe the stigma will go away.

#imnotashamed to live with my mental health conditions because our minds are a part of our bodies, so we shouldn't consider physical and mental health as separate. I don't view my mental illnesses as different from my asthma or my allergies. -@soupernic

If you struggle with a mental illness, I commit to you that I will speak out to educate others every chance I get, starting with this blog, and I want to encourage others to join me.

To begin, here are some things to look out for so you don't offend others.

What Not to Say

Here's one tip. Often people ignorantly say hurtful things without even realizing that we are feeding into the stigma surrounding mental illness and possibly offending people who are struggling:

• "You're so bipolar." To someone who simply changed moods.
• "I almost had a panic attack." After someone scares you.
• "What are you, OCD?" When someone wants something done neatly.
• "I'm so depressed I didn't get those new shoes." After a failed shopping trip.

To people truly struggling with any one of these issues, a flippant statement devalues the seriousness of the issue they are facing and adds stigma to the illness. While you may not mean any harm don't just assume no one will get offended by these statements.

I deserve love & respect & to not be stereotyped/stigmatized. I am a whole, beautiful person. #imnotashamed #mentalhealth @rachelgriffin22

You Don't Need to Be Ashamed

The idea behind the campaign #imnotashamed is to spread the message that mental health conditions are nothing to be ashamed of. They are not a choice, character flaw, or mental weakness. We are helping end the harmful stigma associated with mental health conditions.

#imnotashamed of my mental illness because I believe that my mental illness has made me an incredibly strong, empathic, courageous and brave woman. -@sharigebhard

It is a positive step to be able to share your mental illness without shame and realize you are not alone. Check out what others are saying who are not ashamed! Add your voice to the conversation by tweeting your story with #imnotashamed. Or tweet one of the quotes you see here:

#imnotashamed of my bipolar “mental illness is an illness just like any other, a flaw in chemistry not character. @Detroit15

Moving Beyond the Stigma

If you are struggling with a mental illness, here are some important steps for coping with and moving beyond the stigma:

• Don't let the fear of judgment keep you from getting treatment. In my opinion, the number one reason to stomp out the stigma surrounding mental illness is so that people will not be afraid to seek treatment. So many people facing mental illness are reluctant to admit they need help. Half of the teens and young adults who have a mental illness develop their condition by the age of 14. This can be a scary and confusing time when you start to fear your own mind. PLEASE don't let the fear of being labeled with a mental illness prevent you from seeking help. Treatment can provide relief by identifying what's wrong and reducing symptoms that interfere with your life. If you attempt to ignore the problem, it can take over your life.
• Don't believe the stigma yourself. Sometimes you are your toughest critic. Stigma doesn't just come from others. You may mistakenly believe that your condition is a sign of personal mental weakness or that you should be able to control it without help.
• Don't equate yourself with your illness. You are not an illness. So instead of saying "I'm bipolar," say "I have bipolar disorder."
• Find a support group and talk to someone. If you would like to find either online or in person support group options, check out our list of partners or chat with a Hope Coach now.
• Speak up. Don’t be afraid to open up. Even a struggle as difficult as depression and suicidal thoughts can end. Suicide is preventable. Being open can actually save lives. Talking about your treatment and struggles can inspire someone else to get help and show them that they are not alone in their journey to recovery.
• See the stigma for what it is - ignorance. People who pass judgment and believe the stigma surrounding mental illness almost always have a lack of understanding rather than information based on the facts. You know the truth.

How to Help a Friend

If you know someone who has a mental illness, here's how you can make a difference:

• Educate yourself about mental illness
• Speak up when you hear something offensive
• See the person not the illness
• Provide love, care and encouragement to someone with a mental illness without judgment

If you struggle with a mental illness, I'd love for you to share below if you have ever experienced being stigmatized? What has someone said to you that you found offensive? Please speak up and use your voice to educate others in the comments below. Or share your own #imnotashamed statement. It's time to start the conversation.

Health statistics found at www.CDC.gov

If you quickly open a soda, there is some chance the contents will foam up and spill over the top. Shake that bottle for thirty seconds before removing the top and you'll have a much more intense experience. Talking with people about relationships with loved ones in the military is like opening a bottle that has been violently shaken. The pressure inside is so great that the questions and experiences come out fast and strong, and they spew in every direction.

Here are some of the comments I have received about deployment and its impact on relationships.

Anonymous wrote: Guys usually don't communicate the way women do. I know my husband loves me and missed me on deployments. Did he ever write that in a letter? No. The best I would get was a "miss you Babe" on a phone call.

Fadeintoyou82 wrote: My boyfriend is deployed. We had been together for 7 months before he left. Everything was going great the first half of the deployment, then out of nowhere, he starts to become distant and disconnected. Then he tells me that he doesn't know if he has the same feelings for me anymore.

HappyLittleGirl wrote: I am experiencing my first deployment away from the most fantastic man I've ever met besides my father. We've been dating for 8 months and love each other. He's in the Navy and deployed somewhere in the Middle East... I love him dearly and I know he loves me... but I worry that he doesn't miss me.

nicolem28 wrote: I'm engaged to an AF guy and he's been gone 50% of our relationship. This trip he's on now has been awful since he has minimal communication opportunities, so I understand how the doubt can creep in.

Lyndsey wrote: Military relationships are special. if they make it through the training and first deployment, they can make it through anything.

Your Relationship Can Survive Military Deployment

I've asked one of our partners, Mike Jones, to talk about loved ones on deployment. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. Mike shares openly about some of the struggles and how to overcome them when your loved one is deployed.

Coping with Lack of Communication

Dawson: It seems that with a lot of our callers the lack of communication with a deployed spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is what puts a lot of pressure on relationships.

Mike: Communication with those back home is difficult for several reasons. A lot of time soldiers are in isolated situations with limited or command-only communications. If you're front line like infantry soldiers, you are busy 24-7-365-360 (every hour, every day of the year, all around you). You're either on patrol, on guard duty, or crashing. There's very little downtime, but even then, the enemy may decide it's time to lob a few mortars or attack the compound. A lot of that downtime is focused on getting ready to go again.

Dawson: Perhaps it's more than just the number of emails or the amount of talk-time. If couples really don't understand or feel what the other is going through, they'll still have a disconnect whether they communicate a lot or a little.

Importance of Situational Awareness

Mike: It's really important for those at home to try to gain some situational awareness regarding their deployed soldier. Talking to other experienced military spouses helps. One of the things to understand is that a soldier needs to stay completely focused on the assignment at hand... not home, not family, not kids, not you... their assignment. If their heads are not intensely focused and in the game, someone can get hurt. Even when a unit is just walking down a road everyone is looking in a prescribed direction for particular things. If one soldier loses intense mental focus and is not looking the right way, you have a sector uncovered. Soldiers are trained to switch off everything else when the mission is on.

Struggles in Switching Modes

Mike: Also, there are times when soldiers don't seem to have much to say. Spouses need to understand that it's hard sometimes to switch back from being warrior to being relational. And sometimes they can't talk about what's going on because it's either too hard on them or they fear it will be too hard on you.

Dawson: Do deployed soldiers typically feel guilty about being away from home and family?

Mike: Mostly they are so engaged with what they're doing that they don't have time for that. But in some cases; yes. If you've got a deployed soldier feeling guilty about being away, the last thing they need to hear is complaining about problems at home.

Focusing on Home can be Difficult

Dawson: While it's difficult for loved ones to understand what their deployed soldier is going through, by comparison, is it much easier for soldiers to understand what it is like at home?

Mike: No, not true at all. Some soldiers have no clue about how difficult it is for those at home. Like I said before, some soldiers have a harder time flipping the mental switch from combat focus to home-life focus. Their life in a combat zone is so intense, fear mixed with exhilaration, a sense of mission accomplishment mixed with the pain of losing a comrade. Problems at home that are huge to their loved ones may seem trivial compared to the combat zone. Again, the more loved ones can gain some situation awareness about these things, the easier deployments will become, particularly combat deployments.

A Suggested Conversation with a Deployed Loved One

Dawson: Do you have suggestions for how loved ones should approach those rare, unscheduled, middle-of-the-night phone calls?

Mike: Maybe something along these lines: Honey, we're okay here. We've had a problem with _____, but we've got it under control. Mom and dad are helping, and so is my brother. The FRG (Family Resource Group) is there when I need to talk about Army stuff. We're all good. I love you (i.e. don't be concerned about me being unfaithful). Be safe, stay focused, we're all going to get through this! (NOTE: TheHopeLine partners with Centerstone Military Services for additional resources for military personnel and their families.)

Strong Spouses and Loved Ones

Dawson: It sounds like the soldiers and their loved ones all have their individual battles to fight.

Mike: Very true. Spouses, parents, children, girlfriends or boyfriends all have different types of battles to fight, but you all go to war together as a team. If you can hang onto that kind of perspective, things are going to be a lot easier. The worst thing is fighting the battle of deployment and fighting one another at the same time.

Check out Nicole's 7 Great Ideas to help your relationship survive military deployment:

"I am in a relationship with a man who his spending the next six months deployed. This is our first deployment as a couple. It is also his last deployment, as he will be retiring following this trip. He has been very open with me about the fact that this will be hard, but we are a strong couple, and not getting through this was never even mentioned as an option. I am very sad, because I hate that we are separated, and I worry about his safety. However, I have been keeping myself busy with ways to cope and it is helping.

Some of the things I did are:"

1. I wrote him thirty letters to take with him, made myself a copy of each, and I open one a day also so I remember what I wrote to him.
2. I started a journal. It is a great place to vent and talk about/work through my fears.
3. I made an awesome Deployment countdown poster and I am crossing off the days.
4. I made a list of things I want to do while he is gone.
5. I am planning/researching the trip we want to take when he gets home.
6. I am keeping a mason jar and popsicle sticks, and every time I think of something I want us to do together, I write it on a popsicle stick and pop it into the jar.
7. I plan out care packages with themes, and I will send them over the course of the upcoming months.

"Soooooo, I guess I am hoping this will help those of you who are struggling like me. This sucks, but six or seven months of sadness is a small price to pay for a lifetime of wonderful.
Strength to all!"
Thanks, Nicole, for sharing your ideas!

Military - TheHopeLine.com

Are you concerned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Learn more about it here or download your free eBook.

You Can Be Porn Free

If you are fighting an addiction to pornography, you are not alone...68% of young men and 18% of women use porn at least once a week.

I share this statistic with you simply to let you know that you are not alone in your struggle.  I don't want you to think, if so, many people are doing it, it must be okay, because it is not okay, but help is available. Many people have walked this road before you, and MANY of them are now free from the stronghold that pornography had on their life.

You need to realize that beyond the personal problems pornography causes, it is also causing problems within society such as an increase in Sexual Assault and an increase in demand for sex trafficking victims.

What is the effect of pornography on teens?

Pornography use can cause young people to develop unrealistic, unhealthy, or harmful perspectives about sex and relationships. It can be very isolating and young people who use porn can struggle with deep feelings of shame. Repeated porn use can also develop into a harmful habit, since it often becomes a cycle of addictive behavior.

It is time to get the help you need.  You too can be porn-free.

To motivate you even further to break your addiction to porn, consider these personal consequences:

• Porn makes real relationships less satisfying, encouraging an unrealistic view of healthy relationships.
• Eventually, the porn user becomes obsessed with pornography in more extreme forms, growing increasingly secretive and isolated from loved ones.
• Men who are exposed to porn describe themselves as less in love with their partner than men who don't view porn.
• After being exposed to porn, people are more critical of their partner's appearance, sexual performance and displays of affection.
• Porn is devastating to the user's partner too. From ignoring their partner to feeling like he or she doesn't measure up, a porn habit destroys relationships and real love. In fact, 56% of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in porn.

Breaking any addiction takes strength and perseverance.  It takes courage to own up to the problem and actually do something about it. It's not an easy journey but it's worthwhile for you to live your life to the fullest.

Here are seven steps I would encourage you to take:

1. Tell Someone. As difficult as it may seem, you need to bring your struggle into the open and not keep it a secret. Talk with someone you trust about your struggle with porn, such as a parent, pastor, youth leader or close friend. This is an essential first step to recovering from an addiction.

2. Find an accountability partner. Set aside a specific time and location where you feel comfortable discussing your addiction. Talk with him or her weekly and have open, honest conversations about your struggle. This is an essential part of getting your life back on track.

3. Make a clean start. Another key part of recovery is getting rid of all pornographic content you have, like images, magazines, DVDs or computer files. Let your accountability partner know you've destroyed the content you have.

4. Figure out when and where you usually struggle. If it's late at night while you're on the internet, turn your computer/phone/device off at 6pm and put it away or disassemble it completely. Some recovering porn addicts find it helpful to take time away from the internet completely.

5. Stay clear of temptation. Temptation to look at porn often comes when someone is bored, tired or lonely. Have a plan when you feel tempted, like calling a friend, going on a walk or enjoying a hobby. Try to get out of your environment and engage your mind and body in a positive way.

6. Recovery is a journey. If you end up looking at porn, be sure to let your accountability partner know as soon as possible. Overcoming porn is a journey and is won day by day. Porn is a destructive cycle so when you breakdown, be transparent and talk to someone. Then start fresh.

7. Get professional help. There are many professional counselors that are available to help you deal with porn and the underlying issues. If you don't have access to a counselor, TheHopeLine offers a network of professional care and resources available to you

In the end, pornography robs you of the joy of a real-life intimate relationship replacing it with pixels on a screen. Is that really what you want?

Pornography: The Gateway Drug to Sexual Violence

I have been disturbed by recent research that links repeated viewing of pornography to sexual violence and assault. While I am concerned about these studies, I am not surprised by them.

I know this can be a sensitive subject, but I want to face it head-on. I think it is important that we stop thinking pornography is harmless fun for people to view in private, but rather understand the negative consequences that research proves pornography has on our thinking, our relationships and on society.

How Pornography Affects Our Brains:

Pornography researchers have found that users acclimate to the porn they watch” they get used to it, and it stops being exciting or arousing. Why? Because their brain's pleasure response has gotten numb.

Here's a brief science lesson about our brain. Viewing porn floods the brain with dopamine, a neurotransmitter that controls the brain's reward and pleasure center. A path is created in the brain by the dopamine telling the brain, when you go down this path it feels good. The problem is when a person consistently looks at porn and their brain is constantly being flooded with a high level of dopamine their brain stops reacting in the same way and suddenly to get the same excitement now they must look at more porn and more hardcore porn.

Additionally, to feel excited many users have to combine sexual arousal with the feeling of aggressive release. That's why so much of hardcore porn is full of images of women being physically harmed. It's also the reason that many porn addicts quickly find themselves looking at things that used to disgust them or that they used to see as morally wrong.

The Link Between Porn and Sexual Assault

1. Research proves that: Pornography is addictive and desensitizing and in order to continue receiving the same high, people turn to more hardcore/violent pornography.

2. Watching pornography which displays violence against women leads people to believe that sexual violence is more common than it is. In fact, in a study by Dr. Dolf Zillmann and Dr. Jennings Bryant, it was found that people exposed to significant amounts of porn thought violent sex was twice as common as what those not exposed to porn thought.

3. When people believe a behavior is normal, they are more likely to try it.

And it's not only hardcore porn that depicts violence. A 2000 study found the presence of violence in 42% of online pornography.

And in 2007 the 50 top-selling adult DVDs were analyzed. It was documented that there was an act of aggression every minute and a half. About 90% of scenes contained at least one act of aggression. In 95% of the scenes, the person receiving the aggression reacted neutrally or positively to it. These numbers give us a glimpse of the sexual education porn consumers receive.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation reports that adult exposure to pornographic media is associated with:

• Believing women in general enjoy rape
• More acceptance of violence against women
• Creating more sexually violent fantasies to get aroused
• Engaging in more sexual harassment behaviors
• More likelihood of forcing a woman sexually
• Using physical coercion to have sex
• Using drugs and alcohol to sexually coerce women

While not every porn user is going to abuse someone or become a rapist, it is proven that viewing pornography on a regular basis influences people's ideas and attitudes toward what is acceptable sexual behavior.

I encourage you to listen to this call I had with Taylor. He is struggling with a 10-year addiction to pornography and admits if he keeps going the way he's going he will end up in prison.

Pornography as Sex Ed for Teens

Considering that a young man's first exposure to pornography is at the age of 12, and that 68% of teenage boys and 18% of girls view pornography once a week, what is this generation learning about sex? Because let's face it most of their education is coming from porn.

A study called the Impact of Internet Pornography on Adolescents linked the consumption of internet pornography to changes in a teen's attitude about women. Women became viewed as sexual playthings eager to fulfill male sexual desires. Additionally, the study found that adolescents who are exposed to violent sexually explicit material were six times more likely to be sexually aggressive than those who were not exposed.

And they are often viewing violent material, by the age of 18, 39% of boys and 23% of girls have seen acts of sex involving bondage online.

Pornography is reshaping minds to think that violence and sexual aggression should be seen as normal and an accepted form of self-expression,- John Foubert and Ana Bridges.

So what are teens themselves saying? When interviewing teenage girls, it was found that girls and young women described boys pressuring them to provide acts inspired by the porn they consume. Girls tell of being expected to put up with things they don't enjoy, sometimes violent things. Yet the boys they are describing think it is normal behavior because it is what they are learning from porn. They are not being taught respect, friendship, love, and intimacy, but rather aggression, degradation and cruelty.

Sex is a Beautiful thing, Designed by God

Listen “ sex is a beautiful thing. It was designed by God to bring pleasure. If you doubt that for a minute, read the book Song of Songs in the Bible which is all about the pleasure of sex between a husband and wife. However, the warped view of sex that is promoted in pornography is distorting what sex was designed to be a joyful, intimate act of love between a husband and wife.

For more information:

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation - "Porn Harms"
Impact of Internet Pornography on Adolescents
Fight the New Drug - "Sex Before Kissing"

You Can Be Whole Again

I've decided to tackle one of the most difficult kinds of abuse there is: sexual. While any kind of abuse is damaging and wicked, sexual abuse is exceptionally destructive because of the twisted mixture of its physical, emotional, and spiritual elements. Most people refuse to talk about it, but all that does is leave millions of people stuck in their pain, shame, and despair. I don't want you there. I want you to be a whole person, healed and recovered from whatever negative things have happened in your life. So, let's tackle this issue together.

What is Sexual Abuse?

Sexual abuse is any inappropriate and forceful physical, visual or verbal interaction for sexual stimulation or satisfaction. A key characteristic of any abuse is the dominant person forcing someone into sexual activity. This abuse is intentional, not accidental, and is often committed by someone the victim knows or has regular contact with, such as a family member, friend, teacher, or even a spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend.

I did not know sexual abuse includes being shown porn. When I was really young my mom and dad used to show me porn. I didn't want to watch it, but they told me to. -Katie 

Sexual abuse (whether a single incident or many acts over a long period of time) can include any of these activities done with, or in front of someone, against their will. A key characteristic of any abuse is the dominant position of a person that allows them to force or coerce a victim into sexual activity, even if no bodily contact is ever made.

• Rape - sexual assault perpetrated against a person without that person's consent
• Molestation - the crime of sexual acts with children up to the age of 18
• Incest - sexual relations between people closely related to each other
• Exhibitionism or exposing private parts to someone against their will
• Masturbation - being forced to watch or participate
• Being forced into prostitution
• Pornography - being forced to see it or forced into creating pornography
• Obscene phone calls
• Any sexual conduct harmful to mental, emotional, or physical welfare
• Unwanted kissing or touching
• Threats of unwanted sexual activity
• Repeated sexual insults

Abuse Can Happen Anywhere to Anyone

Statistically, it's not just girls who are being sexually abused...it also happens to guys. Some experts say one out of every three girls and one of out every six guys will in one way or another be sexually abused by the time they are 18. In fact, child sexual abuse is reported approximately 80,000 times a year, but the number of unreported instances is far greater because the victims are usually afraid to tell anyone what has happened to them.

Jenna told us: My sister and me were both abused when we were young -- by a family friend's son. It is very hard to trust anyone again after you are abused.

And sexual abuse isn't just committed by men. Women can also be the abuser. And it's not typically a stranger or an enemy. Most times, the person who abuses is someone who is very close to the victim, a close family member or relative, or some trusted authority figure. It is also normal for the victim to feel loved by, and even love for, their perpetrator. The victim often has a strong desire to protect their abuser from being found out. Still, regardless of who the abuser is, the effects of sexual abuse can be life-long. And sadly, either you have been, or you know someone who has been violated in this horrific way.

Sexual Abuse Is Not Your Fault!

Just about every sexually abused victim blames themselves for what happened, but they are NOT to blame. There is absolutely no one who deserves to be sexually abused. When you were abused, the person abusing you had the power, physically and emotionally. You were up against a violator and could not defend yourself or stop the madness. So, remember this simple truth: Sexual abuse is not your fault!

Sarah summed it up well: I just don't understand why so many people get abused. I don't get why people are so mean to other people. I guess you can say I live in an abusive house, and yeah it is really hard -- you just think everything is your fault, you're the reason everything is bad, and even after that you still think like that, even when you know it's not true.

You need to know sexual abuse is never your fault and is never okay. You should never be made to keep secrets that make you uncomfortable. Please find someone who you trust to talk to about what's going on in your life. It may be a pastor, school counselor, therapist or doctor. But you must find someplace to get help as soon as you possibly can.

Emily says she lived in a sexually abusive family: My dad started sexually abusing me at six years old, and it went on until I was 11. I used to pretend that it didn't happen, but it did, and there isn't anything I can do about it. My only advice is to try to get out. My life got so much easier when I moved to college. It's a safe haven you need. You need safety, and friends you can trust. And you have to rely on God, all the time, or you'll NEVER make it through.

Brandi was being abused by her grandfather. She contacted TheHopeLine and chatting with a HopeCoach helped her a lot. Listen to her tell her story in this video.

I know you hear me say this a lot, but it's true: Nothing stomps out the effects of sexual abuse more than openly talking about it. In talking about it you bring the hurt and confusion into the light where the pain can be washed away. If you have been, or are being abused, and never told anyone, the first, most important thing you can do is tell someone else. The more you tell your story the better. Please contact TheHopeLine. All chats are free, safe, and private. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

I would not bring up this subject if I did not believe there is tremendous hope for you. But you must take the lead and speak up, ask for help. You may have heard me say, many times before, it is not your fault you were violated. Take that step and tell someone you trust all about it. By doing this you have made your first step on a journey to healing. I am so proud of you.

You are not alone. Others have shared their stories of abuse to help you and others that have been abused find hope. Remember...You matter!

Is It Really Love?

Have you been dating someone for a while? Are you starting to wonder if he or she might be the one? Are you thinking that maybe you are ready to really commit to this person? Are you wondering if the feelings are mutual? Are you questioning if what you are feeling is real love?

Or For That Matter, What Is Real Love?

Sometimes it is easier to describe something with actions than with a definition. So, if you are wondering if you are in a REAL mutually loving relationship, here are some things that you will naturally want to do for your boyfriend or girlfriend and that they will want to do for you:

• Spend more focused time with each other than your other friends.
• Are excited to be with each other and are happy when you are together.
• Make each other feel special by the things you say and do.
• Respect each other. Not only when you're alone, but also when you are around other people.
• Are patient with each other, even when one of you makes a mistake.
• Speak well of each other to other people.
• Protect each other.
• Communicate with each other frequently. Talk about what's going on in your life and what you are feeling.
• Listen to each other, looking in each other's eyes while they are talking to you.
• Are sensitive to each other's feelings and needs.
• Put each other before yourself.
• Trust each other.
• Show respect for each other's parents and other friends.
• Are willing to make sacrifices for each other.
• Tell each other you love them.

Love Never Ends

This kind of loving relationship is described in the famous love chapter in the Bible..."Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends."  (I Corinthians 13)

When you read that verse or look at the list above, do those things describe your relationship? If so, then you may be ready to really commit to another person - to live your life together and walk alongside them for better or for worse. To really love someone is deciding to put another person before yourself.   True, romantic love is so much more than just a gooey, warm feeling. Those feelings of infatuation won't always be there, but a commitment to another person will.

Honestly, Is It Really Love?

So many students I talk with think they are deeply in love with someone and yet they have no idea whether or not they are being loved in return. Honestly, if you don't know if you are in a loving relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, then you probably aren't. I actually believe that many people know, deep down, that they are not in a loving relationship, but they are resigned to being treated in a less than loving way just to keep the relationship going.

This is the situation Leah finds herself in:  I have a boyfriend and I love him, but I'm not sure if he loves me, too. He always ignores me, or I feel so left out. He used to tell me he loved me, and he missed me a lot, but he never does anymore. I really don't want to leave him because I still love him. We've been going out for four months now, today is our anniversary, and he forgot about it. But I still love him, because I know he has problems in his life. -Leah

Many of the same ways you show your boyfriend or girlfriend that you love them are the very actions or attitudes to look for to see if they love you back. If you feel you are the one holding the relationship together and have told your significant other how you feel about them and have yet to see any signs of love from them, you might have to decide whether this person is capable of showing any kind of love or if they really love you.

Maddie wishes her boyfriend would show his love for her in more consistent ways: I have a boyfriend but sometimes when I hang with my friend Nick and some of my other guy friends, I feel like they like me more than my bf. I know my bf loves me and he shows it when he's with me, but when he's not with me or he's with his friends, he just acts different to me. He won't even hold my hand or anything. It's like he's shy around his friends, and I don't want him to be. I just feel he could he show me he loves me a little more and I really wish he would. He doesn't even say I love you¦ is that bad?

The problem for Maddie is that her boyfriend is telling her that he doesn't really love her. He loves what his friends think about him, more than what she thinks or feels.

How Do They Really Feel About You?

Even if we are certain the other person knows exactly how we feel about them, it is always important for your boyfriend or girlfriend to hear or see your love demonstrated. A loving relationship that is maturing will work hard to communicate that love. Put another way, if you are in a committed relationship with someone you should know how they feel about you and they should know how you feel about them.

It takes a tremendous amount of work to continue having a loving relationship. But it's worth it. And it is the type of relationship God created you to have. So please don't settle for less.

There is nothing more powerful and beautiful than true love. Love comes first from God, because God is love. God is the one who will give us the strength to show love to others.

Still searching for answers about love and your relationship?  Read, How to Find A Meaningful Relationship to explore ways to help our relationship.

Think you are "just buzzed"? It is called drunk driving.

Sierra called me. She told me her best friend died right in front of her when a drunk driver hit them.

Listen here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2-f4M_Tj2A

Sierra used this tragedy in her life as motivation to try to help others and keep them from experiencing the same type of loss that she did. I commend her for what she is doing, and I want to show my support by lending my voice to the conversation about drunk driving.

There have been good campaigns to raise awareness about drunk driving. Yet even so, alcohol-related car accidents claimed one life every 52 minutes in the United States or 10,000 lives a year. (National Highway Traffic Safety Administration). This is the equivalent of 20 Jumbo Jets crashing and killing everyone on board. Can you imagine the public outrage if 20 Jumbo Jets crashed in one year? 10,000 lives a year this is unacceptable.

I hope you are not under the misconception that the drivers in these drunk driving-related accidents are all alcoholics or raging drunks. Many times it is someone who had one too many drinks and still thought they were o.k. to drive.

The Ad Council put out a series of ads a few years ago highlighting the fact that Buzzed Drivingis Drunk Driving. This message is important to repeat.

Today I want to dig a little deeper into what buzzed driving might include, so that anyone reading this will no longer be able to say, ¦but I thought I was fine.

Here is a statement from the NHTSA “

Alcohol not only impairs your ability to drive, it impairs your judgment about whether you can or should drive. Too often, people who drink think they are okay to get behind the wheel because they only feel a buzz. The truth is you don't have to be falling down drunk to be a menace to everyone around you on the highways. Remember, Buzzed Driving is Drunk Driving.

Here's another way to look at it “ If you have been drinking enough to say "I'm just buzzed" then basically you are already drunk. Your ability to drive safely has already been impaired. One doesn't have to be falling down drunk, reeling from wall to wall to have their judgment and coordination affected.

Now I'm going to get a bit technical for a moment because I think this is important to understand.

In all 50 states, the LEGAL Blood alcohol limit is .08. However, let's look at how the body is affected at even lesser levels of blood alcohol content (BAC).

With a BAC of 0.03 - 0.06, you experience feelings of warmth, relaxation, mild sedation; exaggeration of emotion and behavior; slight decrease in reaction time and in fine-muscle coordination; impaired judgment about continued drinking.

By 0.07 - 0.09 you demonstrate more noticeable speech impairment and disturbance of balance; impaired motor coordination, hearing and vision; feeling of elation or depression; increased confidence; may not recognize impairment.

So how much do you have to drink to get to these BAC levels NOT? THAT. MUCH.

For an average 150-pound person, if they have 1 drink in one hour, they will be right around a .03 BAC and after two drinks they would be at a .06. (A drink equals 12 oz of beer, 5 oz. of wine, or 1.5 ounces of hard alcohol.) You need to ask yourself already, is it worth the risk to get behind the wheel?

Also “ you may have heard it said, It's been an hour, since I've had a drink so I'm fine. But the truth is that the body absorbs alcohol more quickly than it processes it. This is why alcohol concentrations build steadily while drinking. On average, your blood alcohol content only decreases by .015 an hour. So if you had two beers in an hour raising your BAC to .06 you can only subtract .015 from that for the time allowance.

I share these detailed numbers because I want you to understand how little it takes to become impaired. There are so many misconceptions and I want to shoot straight with you because I KNOW you don't want your uninformed actions to ever take life. Find more information by clicking here to go to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

If you are ever in doubt, just get a ride!