I have talked to nearly 30,000 teenagers and young adults in my career. Talk radio is what I do. I love it and I'm totally committed to those who call me. But I don't always understand some of the people who call. It's like we are talking on two different wavelengths and I know I'm not getting through. I realized that some of the most frustrating calls were from people who were addicted to love.

What Love Addiction Looks Like

I was struggling to understand why people who were being completely used in a relationship wouldn't leave their partner. Why did they seem to be totally set against doing what they ought to do to get help or healing? Why did they refuse to get off the road that was leading them to heartbreak and destruction?

I could never understand how a guy could treat a girl so awful. He'll hit her, make fun of her, cheat on her, get her pregnant and leave, and yet the girl does everything in her power to keep him or get him back.  I used to want to say to these girls, "Why can't you see it?! Are you blind? " I know that doesn't sound very loving, but that's how I felt.

But one day, I decided to learn as much about being addicted to love as I possibly could. In my research, I have learned love addiction can strike either sex and it is every bit as powerful and destructive as drugs, gambling, alcohol, eating disorders, or cutting. Now I understand better about love addiction and can spot it almost every time a love addict calls my show. Now I know why love addicts won't respond to the simple solution to their problem drop him/her.

How Can Love Be an Addiction?

Love addiction is a lot like other addictions where a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life by feeling loved. In fact, the feelings of a love addict are just as false as the high drugs bring to a drug addict.

If you are a love addict, you think you cannot live without the other person and you will do just about anything to keep the relationship alive.

I think if you're addicted to love then that means once you're in a relationship, you can't live without that person, and you will do whatever you can to stay in a relationship...(Riah)

Some teens don't get the love they want from home or friends so they plunge themselves into relationships that will never work out. They crave love so much that it blinds them and makes them so desperate that they'll try to find it anywhere possible. (Jessica) Jessica understands that many a love addict comes out of a troubled home where there wasn't nearly enough love, and she's right. She also understands just how desperate a love addict can be. Many go from partner to partner terrified of being alone.

Love Addiction Defined

Using Riah's, Jessica's and my thoughts on love addiction here's a pretty good definition of a love addiction. A love addiction is when a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life through a romantic relationship.

They plunge themselves into relationships that will never work. Once they're in a relationship, they feel they can't live without the other person and will do whatever they have to do to stay in the relationship. The love addict craves what they think is the feeling of love so intensely, it blinds them and makes them desperate to find and keep it any way possible.

Are You a Love Addict?

Look at some of the qualities of a love addict to try to see if you might be one. Be honest with yourself. One of the main characteristics of a love addict is denial.

A Love Addict:

• Lives in a fantasy world.
• Wants to be rescued from their empty life.
• Pushes their partner to meet needs only God can meet.
• Tends to worship their partner.
• Confuses sexual attraction with love.
• Craves to be consumed with his/her partner.
• Lacks attention and nurturing when they were young.
• Feels detached and isolated from family.
• Is highly manipulative and controlling of others.
• Has inner rage over lack of nurturing and early abandonment.
• Tries to avoid abandonment at any cost.
• Confuses the drama in the relationship as love.
• Feels being in a romantic relationship will make them whole.
• Has an obsessive drive to leave one relationship for another?
• Uses relationship and sex to alter their mood and relieve emotional pain.
• Trades sexual activity for what they think is love.

What's Next?

If you are a love addict or know somebody who is, I want you to know there is hope. Literally thousands of people have broken away from the bondage of love addiction and learned what real love is. Love is a powerful gift given to us by God. In fact, God is love. But when we mishandle or confuse love for something false, heartbreak comes.

Liz's comment clearly explains how a love addict feels: I was in this long-term relationship with this guy, and I convinced myself I couldn't live without him. I had to talk to him every night or I couldn't sleep. Now that we have broken up, I realized the only reason it felt like I couldn't live without him was that I was addicted to love. He treated me like I wasn't even his friend in public, but I put up with it because I wanted to feel loved. When [he told me he] loved me every night, it made me feel like a completely different person, made me feel untouchable for that split second. Everyone thrives to hear those words. That's why it is so easy to [become] addicted to love because whether you love that person or not, it feels good to hear it. (Liz)

Why do people become love addicts? Check out my post on LOVE ADDICTION AND ABANDONMENT

There is so much confusion around the addiction of cutting. It's hard for some people to understand why you, or someone you know, would repeatedly harm themselves on purpose.  I want to break through the confusion and help those who practice cutting as a way of life. I've heard a lot of people say, why would anyone do such a thing as purposely cause pain to their bodies? So, let's begin to uncover the reasons why so many people cut themselves.

Most People Cut to Cover an Even Deeper Emotional Pain

As I have talked with hundreds of people that self-harm, one major reason emerges over and over again: Most people cut themselves to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain. If you or anybody you know is cutting, please understand cutting is a way of covering something much deeper and painful going on inside.

Cover Self-Hate

An anonymous blogger put it this way: I used to cut because I felt like it was the only way to feel something other than the hurt and confusion and self-hate that was driving me insane. I would cut because I hated myself so much that I wanted to tear myself to pieces.

Cover Past Trauma

Most cutters' ability to cope with life is overwhelmed by powerful emotions or extreme pressure that seem too intense to bear. Jenessa said she's been a cutter for 7 years. I was sexually abused by someone very close to me. I started cutting because I always thought that what happened was my fault. I have never gotten over it, so I used to cope with any problem I had by cutting. Taking it out on myself was so much easier than figuring out what to do emotionally.

Can't Express Emotional Pain

When these emotions aren't dealt with, tension builds up. Cutting can feel like a release of this tension. Rachel said cutting is a way for her to deal with her pain: It's an escape from reality. No matter how temporary it is it's a relief to escape all the pain.

Most cutters struggle to express their pain to others. Without the words or outlet to express their emotional pain, they give into a short cut, a destructive physical expression toward themself. Laken said cutting is her first reaction when she feels disappointment or difficulty. When I fail a test, when I get in a fight, when I am called a mean name, or when anything bad happens the first thought is to cut. It is horrible and I always fall back on it.

The physical pain has a calming effect on her more agonizing emotional pain. Cutting is the treating of one pain with another. A cutter's life is one of the choices between one kind of pain or a much greater one. Amy said: It feels good when you have physical pain to take away from your emotional pain.

Avoid Dealing with Deep Feelings

The problem with self-injury as with any addiction, is that by harming yourself you never really are able to confront your deepest feelings. Perhaps that is you. You are using cutting to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain. It is hard to say no to something that feels so good. But in the end, cutting will fail you every time.

Don't lose hope. There are healthy ways to deal with your emotions and to stop cutting for good.  Check out these helpful resources on self-harm from TheHopeLine.

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine's free eBook.

Bullying is not a harmless act that should be brushed off. Bullying has very real emotional and psychological effects that can last a victim's lifetime. Depression, anxiety, heightened feelings of sadness or loneliness are all issues that may persist into adulthood.

But what if YOU are the bully???

Believe it or not, there are long-term effects to being a bully as well. Those who bully others may partake in other negative behaviors well into adulthood. Bullies are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, get into physical fights, drop out of school, vandalize property, have criminal records, and even be abusive to their romantic partners, spouses, and even their own children as adults.

But What if YOU'RE the bully???

Let me ask you:

• Does hurting other people or taking their things make you feel better?
• Do you avoid thinking of how your hurtful words and actions may make someone else feel?
• Have you been bullied before and now feel like you have to make up for it by bullying others?
• If you're bigger, stronger, and/or smarter than others your age do you use this fact to get your way or manipulate others?
• Have you purposefully tried to make someone, even a friend, feel bad?

If you've answered yes, then you may be a bully. When you're the bully you may experience feelings of worthlessness and you might even hate yourself. I want to encourage you to take the chance to stop being a bully, and here's how:

1.  Apologize
Say you're sorry to those you've bullied and follow it up by being friendly to them. They probably won't trust you right away, but sooner or later they will see you're for real.

2.  Boost YOUR self-esteem
Bullies often have low self-esteem themselves which is why it's important to explore ways to boost your self-esteem. Find a new hobby, volunteer, get involved with a sport or in a group.

3.  Talk to someone
If you're feeling like you're having trouble controlling your feelings, such as anger, talk to someone. Your parents, a school counselor or teacher, or a friend.

Also remember that if you are being bullied yourself, responding with force and aggression is not the best way to end the cycle. Bullying a bully is still bullying.  

It's all over the media...you've heard the tragic stories. Stories of teens and young adults ending their life after they've been bullied through social media sites. The consequences of cyber-bullying are very real.  So, I ask myself, why does this keep happening?

We all know how damaging it is to spew hate across the internet, yet we continue to see it happen.

Let me ask you:

Have you read nasty comments directed toward how someone looks when they post a picture on Instagram?

Have you ever laughed along when you heard how someone pretended to have a crush on someone through text messaging, stringing them along until they deliver the crushing blow of ...Are you kidding me, no one could ever really like you?

Have you seen pictures of parties posted where someone was intentionally left out and then comments made about how they were so glad that person wasn't there and would never be invited?

Have you heard of a picture or video intended for one person suddenly going viral and ruining a reputation?

I don't need to give more examples. You've seen it, haven't you? You understand how it hurts, don't you? The pain and public humiliation that is inflicted through cyberbullying is as real as the emotional trauma experienced through real-life bullying. The biggest difference between the two is real-life bullying often ends when school ends, but there is no escape from cyberbullying.

And here's what really concerns me...most teens today base their value and their worth on how many likes, favorites, retweets, friends, followers that they have. But what I want you to know...these things DO NOT determine your value. Your value comes in who you are as a person. How you love and treat others. And most importantly your status as a child of God who loves you completely just the way you are.

Here are 13 Facts* demonstrating the prevalence of Cyberbullying:

1. Nearly 43% of kids have been bullied online.
2. 1 in 4 has had it happen more than once.
3. 70% of students report seeing frequent bullying online.
4. Over 80% of teens use a cell phone regularly, making it the most common medium for cyberbullying.
5. 68% of teens agree that cyberbullying is a serious problem.
6. 81% of young people think bullying online is easier to get away with than bullying in person.
7. 90% of teens who have seen social-media bullying say they have ignored it.
8. 84% have seen others tell cyber bullies to stop.
9. Only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse.
10. Girls are about twice as likely as boys to be victims and perpetrators of cyberbullying.
11. About 58% of kids admit someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online.
12. More than 4 out of 10 say it has happened more than once.
13. About 75% have visited a website bashing another student.

*Stats from https://www.dosomething.org

What to do:

Bullies get their power from how their victim responds/reacts. Never respond to the cyberbully. Block the person who is cyberbullying you. They can't hurt you if they can't reach you.

Take Action Immediately. Often times, schools cannot help when it comes to cyberbullying because it's happening after hours and is out of their jurisdiction, but school authorities are not your only hope to stop the various types of bullying.

Keep the evidence of the cyberbullying (when it happened and what was said) and use this evidence to report the bully to the web & phone service providers. Cyberbullying often violates the terms and conditions of social media sites so ALWAYS report any abuse happening so they can take action against the user abusing their terms.

Cyberbullying that contains the following is a crime and should be reported to authorities: - Threatening violence - Pornography or sexually explicit messages/photos - Stalking & Hate crimes

Hey, we all know it's a problem. Let's speak up and put a stop to cyberbullying.

For more on cyberbullying, read this blog from our partner, Pacer National Bullying Prevention Center, How Cyberbullying Impacts Students.

For more information on bullying, here's a guide to understanding the types of bullying and cyberbullying and how to deal with it.

Define the Reason for Your Resolution

Have you set a New Year's Resolution but aren't sure how to motivate yourself to keep it? Here's an important question to ask yourself, "What is the key reason I have set this resolution?"

Your key reason should be a concrete outcome you are working toward as the result of your resolution.  The key reason is what will provide you with the motivation you need to keep your resolution.

Having a clear and concrete reason for why you want to change something in your life will help you be successful.
Let's take weight loss as an example of a resolution that a lot of people set for themselves and examine possible key reasons behind this resolution. Here are two comments I received:

Jamie wrote: my resolution is for me to join the Marines and I'm gonna lose this weight and then I'm going to take the entrance exam...then I'm going to swear in....the only thing standing in my way is the weight I have to lose...One thing that I noticed in some of the comments was that losing weight was only a means to an end. In other words, the real goal was something else, and losing weight was what they need to do to get there.

Kendra wrote: My goal is to lose 50 pounds; I have been struggling with my weight for a very LONG TIME. And I'm sick of being different from everybody else. So, this year I wanna lose weight and feel better about myself inside and out. But I think it's going to be hard because of all the other times if I wasn't seeing results I would give up. I hope I can finally do it.

So, joining the Marines and feeling better about oneself are the real reasons why Jamie and Kendra want to lose weight.

Having a clear and concrete reason for why you want to change something in your life will help you be successful.  Jamie very clearly wants to become a Marine.  If we were to press Jamie further, we would find lots of feelings about why losing weight is good.  But the clear and concrete goal of becoming a Marine is what will motivate Jamie to work at it.

What Jamie has done, and what Kendra can do as well, is to lock onto a reason for wanting to lose weight that is more concrete than feelings alone. In Kendra's case, improving the way she feels about herself is her main motivation. All of us want to feel better about ourselves for one reason or another.  And no doubt, some people have lost weight with that motivation alone, but is chasing those good feelings alone enough to keep her losing weight when some unexpected stress comes?

Without knowing the kind of things that motivate Kendra, it's hard to suggest a specific concrete reason that will help her focus on accomplishing her weight loss goal, but if she searches, I'm sure she can find one.

Here are a couple of additional things you can do to help keep you motivated to accomplish your resolution goals.

1.  Don't do it alone. - As I wrote in a previous blog, you've got to enlist someone to believe in you, be honest with you, and encourage you, and ideally pursue the goal with you. Accountability is a very motivating thing. Even professional athletes pair up to work out together in the offseason.  They need friends to hold them accountable and so do you and me.
2.  Do it for yourself, not for what others think. Being motivated by what others think or by trying to prove something to others (family, friends, enemies, anyone) can be a very powerful but addictive motivator.  It just keeps you hooked on other people's approval.

If you want to change an old habit or accomplish a new goal, find a clear and concrete reason to succeed, find someone who will join you in the effort, do it for yourself, and don't become a slave to other people's approval.

A Few Holiday Giving Tips to Help You Figure it Out. 

Giving gifts at Christmastime is a beautiful tradition. There is truly something special about expressing our love for one another with a special holiday gift. However, I think many people would agree with me when I say, gift-giving has gotten out of control. In fact, based on many comments that I have received I know many of you feel this way.

One person put it this way: I am spending money that I do not have, buying stuff for people that they do not need and often do not want. But I've got to do it. Many people feel the same way, but no matter how tight money gets, they just can't get away from the obligation.

With that idea in play, it is easy to get the feeling that your love for people is going to be measured by how much money you spend on them.

Here are some more comments:

Angela wrote: We recently lost our car n got an ugly 1 to replace it and drinks gas like water. I'm still living with family, and I have a kid and a bf and both of our families have money problems. So, while I try to buy presents I gotta save for a car, support gas, and support necessities in the fams. I got 2 jobs but they're both min wage

Tara wrote:What is the most difficult part of Christmas for me? Not having enough money to get my kids gifts. Had to borrow money this year.

Alma wrote: Feeling pressured to buy all ur family members' presents when u don't get money cos u don't get a freaking job!
Becky wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas for me is giving. not the act of giving. but trying to give ppl what they really want. I'm 13. really hard to get my mom what she wants when i have a budget of $50 total for presents.

The lack of money for presents has become the most common stress point during Christmas, robbing the season of the joy and peace it should bring.

I can really sympathize with parents who want to give to their kids. Kids don't yet understand about it being the "thought that counts," but they may not be as materialistic as we think either, especially little kids. How many parents have spent a small fortune on presents for their kids to open on Christmas morning, only to watch them spent the rest of the day playing with the boxes?

How many times have you gotten halfway through the presents on Christmas morning and realized if we stopped at that point, it would have been more than enough?

How did things get so crazy? A lot of it has to do with living in the most prosperous nation on earth. Yeah, I know, if you aren't experiencing that prosperity, living in the midst of it makes things worse. Sometimes I think it would be easier if everyone else just wasn't so prosperous. If you've been around grandparents during the holidays, you may have heard them talk about a small little gift they got for Christmas, a toy truck or a sled. And if you have been around your great grandparents, you might hear stories about getting an apple or a piece of candy for Christmas. It was their only present, they tell you, and they were so thrilled to get it. That was definitely the olden days.

A big part of the craziness is also the result of non-stop advertising. It's like they grab our kids' brains and make them think they are destitute without the latest toy or gadget. Beyond that, it seems that we have simply passed down the tradition from one generation to the next, each one trying to out-do the last. So, no matter how much great granddad talks about getting that single apple for Christmas, it doesn't change things. It's hard to put the materialistic toothpaste back in the tube.

So, knowing that we can't change our whole culture overnight, here are a few giving tips to consider today:

GIVING TIP for those short on cash: Try this approach: 1) Find out what a person really wants; 2) go for the better gift, something that is a long-term keeper; and 3) get brothers, sisters, aunts, uncle, parent, etc. to go in together. A better gift from 2-3 people usually trumps several little gifts.

GIVING TIP for when you don't know what to give: Ask for a Christmas Wish List from those you are buying for. Do you ever find yourself feeling the way Ciera or Heather feel?

Ciera wrote: What is the most difficult part for me? Figuring out what to get people.

Heather wrote: The most difficult part for me is having family members who will actually open up their gifts and say it's not what they wanted. It's hard when every year there is someone who is so blatantly ungrateful and unsatisfied. Kinda takes the Christmas spirit right out of me.

I think it is totally reasonable to ask everyone to whom you plan to give a gift for a wish list with price ranges from low to high. You might take the go-in-together approach on a more expensive gift, or you can go for one of the smaller gifts. Either way, by asking for the list, you avoid burdening yourself with the pressure of guessing what everyone wants.

GIVING TIP for when the joy of giving is gone: Consider making the suggestion to your family that rather than buying extra gifts for each other that you each give up one gift and use the money saved to buy something for someone in need.

Katherine wrote: The most difficult part is knowing that some people don't get to experience the joy that it brings because they think that if they don't have money they can't enjoy the season itself. 

Katherine can't stand the thought that there will be no joy for some kids because they won't have many presents. You can do something about this. There are SO many organizations in each town that do Toy Drives or Adopt a Family for Christmas programs.  A simple search should turn up multiple options for you to give to in your community. You might be amazed at the joy that helping someone else brings to both young and old alike. And maybe if you can't give a gift that costs money, you could serve others with your time.

Do You Want to Talk About Cheating?

Cheating can be an emotional topic, but it is good to talk about cheating openly in order to find the truth about it even if it is hard to face.  So, I want to look at two hard issues connected to cheating that I have talked to countless people about over the years.

It gets Harder to Press the Reset Button

Many people who have been hurt or cheated on many times in past relationships find that they now have a hard time simply pressing the reset button and starting over. They began with some idealistic notions about romance but eventually grew very discouraged and cynical about relationships and are losing hope. 

Take these comments for example:

Michelle wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? I don't think there are any. The right guys always seem to hurt you at some point. girls are better off waiting til they're older and making a living for themselves. i just dont believe there is a good enough guy, anywhere.

Crystal wrote: Life is so complicated. You spend more time trying to figure out where the previous relationship went wrong that you give up hope that you are meant to be with anyone.

Dave wrote: It's been three years now, and I still have trouble trusting women.

SW wrote: There's no hope for us, relationships will almost always fail, and believe me, i still haven't accepted this yet because it still scares me. I HOPE I'm not right about this.

HARD TRUTH

Just like many people who have lost a lot of money on bad investments are terrified of making new investment decisions, people who have been through several bad relationships are scared to jump back in. They are both said to be snake-bit.  People who have had a bad experience or two in relationships understand something that novice GFs/BFs don't yet know... relationships are not without risk. In other words, if you are not very careful about how much of your heart and emotions to invest in a relationship, you could get really hurt. Do that enough times, and you too can get snake-bit. I'm not saying you should give up; I'm just encouraging you to take it slow. Don't give your heart away too soon.

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Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
Sex And Father Hunger
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

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From Attraction...to Sex...to Boredom

It is remarkable how quickly some relationships go from the thrill of something new, to jumping in bed together, to talking about forever, to boredom, to talk about cheating, and eventually to break up.

Jeremy wrote:Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? Boredom and things get stale. Guys see it as an excuse to look for something exciting to add that thrill back.

Briana wrote: Why do guys cheat? I think guys get bored easily. They want something new and fresh...And a new girl is new and fresh to them!

Anonymous wrote: I think guys cheat on their girlfriends because they get tired of kissing or having sex with the same chick. Especially when they are younger guys.

HARD TRUTH

There is a thing called the Law of Diminishing Return. Put simply, every time you go a little further physically with your BF/GF what you did before gets less and less thrilling.  To continue getting that same thrill, you have to go a little farther. But then after you've gone all the way, what else is there to do? If you want a relationship to last and not end up in boredom and cheating, don't go too fast! You need to take time along the way to base your relationship on more than just sex. So, take it slow.

Contrary to popular belief, sex doesn't keep a BF/GF; in fact, it often condemns the relationship to failure. There is deep sense of satisfaction and contentment in old friendships. Because you go way back and have a lot of good history together, you just feel comfortable and relaxed with each other. Nothing special needs to be happening, you just enjoy hanging out together. Relationships based on the thrill of sex or making out are just the opposite.

You get bored with each other after a while, there is no place farther to go, and someone begins looking for something new to get that thrill again.

For more on what to do if you have been cheated on or if you were the cheater, check out TheHopeLine's free eBook: Understanding Cheating.

No Easy Answers

Sometimes from the outside looking in we can't understand why someone doesn't just end the relationship after cheating occurs or end it before they decide to cheat in the first place. However, there aren't always easy answers to these questions. And sometimes the relationship is worth saving, but how and why?

So, let's take a look at these questions.

Why not end the relationship before you decide to cheat?

A lot of people (guys and girls) commented that guys don't end relationships before moving on because either they don't know how to tell their girlfriend it's over, or they simply wimp out and avoid all uncomfortable conversations. Some even cheat as a means of breaking up.

Melzer wrote: I think guys cheat because they want to end their current relationship...

Dustin wrote: He (looks for) a way to make her leave him, so He finds someone else who fits those needs and finds a way to let her find out.

Dante wrote: There are guys who cheat because they know it's over but they're not willing to end it...In the meantime, he goes out and cheats until he gets caught.

Melzer wrote: I think I just realized why men cheat, well one reason at least, its because it's so hard walking away, and letting go, hurting someone...When I read it, I knew that I had to take that step with the guy I'm dating, let him know it's not personal, but I'm ready to move on. I'm not a cheater, but I've never been so unhappy with someone before and it's hard to walk away, so I've been miserable lately, and now I know how to leave, thank you.

HARD TRUTH

Nobody changes the oil in a car they have already decided to trade-in. Get the point?

If someone has already decided to move on, preserving and maintaining the current relationship is not a high priority. So rather than having a conversation to end the relationship, which may be uncomfortable, they just move on and break hearts in the process.

Sometimes they may have been sending signals for a while that they are not committed to the relationship any longer, but the person they are dating is not recognizing the signs or is choosing to ignore them. If you are seeing signs they are not committed, don't hang on until they cheat.

So why not leave the minute you've been cheated on?

Scared to be Alone

Unfortunately, I get lots of comments from people who were clearly in toxic relationships. They know it, and probably everyone around them knows it too. They have been used and hurt and almost certainly will be used and hurt some more. But they cannot bring themselves to leave. The people who hang on despite it all likely have a love addiction.

Love addiction is a lot like other addictions in that a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life with feeling loved. If someone is a love addict, they think they cannot live without the other person no matter how toxic, and you will do just about anything to keep the relationship alive.

Cristy wrote: I'm 15. I was recently cheated on and don't know what to do...he begs for me back and I was about to when I saw him again... he knew this. Yet he got back with his other ex, slept with her then they broke up and he still wanted me back. I just don't know what to do and I feel so lost. I think I am done but I love him...

Gina wrote: (The) question would be why people stay with someone who cheats over and over again?

HARD TRUTH

The more you love someone, the more power you give them to hurt you. So, no love, then no hurt. But that's not the best solution. A good guideline is to measure out your emotions according to your age, how much you really know about a person, and your true prospects for a lifetime together. Guys or girls who get into relationships and quickly put the gas pedal to the floor emotionally are going to have so many wrecks, their love life might be permanently damaged because trust is hard to come by.

So, when and how should you save the relationship?

The Cheater Needs to be Genuinely Sorry

Derek wrote: I cheated on my girlfriend but want to move past it with her. She doesn’t think she can. What can I do?

Unfortunately, Derek has dug a deep hole for his relationship, and it’s going to take a lot of work to dig out of it. He has shown his girlfriend (and himself) that he is an untrustworthy person. And now he's wondering if it’s possible to ever rebuild trust with her. I believe it is if he truly loves her and is truly sorry for what he did.

Most guys just say to themselves, I did it. I told her I was sorry. So, let’s move on. But it doesn’t work that way. The person who's been cheated on needs a much longer time to heal. If you really want to work it out, don't lose patience and walk away from their relationship just about the time they are starting to heal.

So, in Derek's situation what might his girlfriend be feeling? She might be feeling he is not really sorry for what he did. She also might want to make sure he pays the price for his actions and punishes him breaking up with him.

HARD TRUTH

The brokenness in any relationship can only be healed by the cheater seeking forgiveness for what they've done. So, how do you do this?

• First of all, you need to admit to yourself that you have hurt another person. This means taking full responsibility for your actions, and not just thinking your BF/GF is blowing things out of proportion.
• Talk to God about this, and ask Him to forgive you for what you’ve done, and ask for courage to say what you need to say to and do for your BF/GF.
• Ask for your BF/GF's forgiveness. You need to clearly explain what you’re sorry for, without making any excuses.
• Let you BF/GF respond to you without getting defensive about what they say. Again, remember they will need time to sort out their feelings.

After this, the best thing you can do is to show yourself as completely trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into your wrongful, untrustworthy behavior. But, you did the right thing by seeking forgiveness, and your new attitude and actions will be the best way to prove you are truly sorry for what happened. Just remember, this is going to take a while.

How to Love Well

If you want to really love someone well, the Bible has one of the best definitions of love ever. "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." This kind of love may never be fully achieved by people on earth who make mistakes, but it is a good standard to work toward.  And the really beautiful thing is that this definition describes God's incredible love for us...even when we mess up.

Are you the cheater? Whether the relationship survives or not, move forward. To have meaningful relationships in the future try these 5 Life-changing Steps.

The subject of cheating can be very personal, and you are likely looking for personal answers.  Why did this happen to you?  Why did your guy cheat on you?

Did Your Guy Cheat? Why?

When employees leave a company, the common practice is to conduct an exit interview. That is where the Director of Human Resources (HR) meets with the departing employee and questions about them why they are leaving. They talk about their job description, their working environment, and what they really think about their boss. They also want to know what the company could have done better to keep them. The HR director might even try to persuade them to stay or to come back if things don't work out with the new job. The objective for the company is to help them do a better job of recruiting and retaining good employees. If, however, an employee is caught stealing (or cheating), security guards usually escort them out of the building and the exit interview never happens.

Most dating relationships do not end with constructive exit interviews, especially if it ends by one person cheating on the other. If you did have that kind of meeting, your objective would be the same...to learn how to find and keep a better boyfriend (BF). So here is a little mental exercise an imaginary exit interview with you, your ex-boyfriend, and the human resource director in charge of finding your next BF.

Exit Interview Questions to Ask Yourself

1. Describe how and why your relationship began with this cheating ex-boyfriend. What attracted you most to one another?
2. Were you or was he rebounding from another relationship? How and why did those relationships end?
3. What were you initially looking for in the relationship with the BF who cheated on you? Love, companionship, sex, marriage, popularity, interesting conversations, getting back at your previous ex-boyfriend, getting out of the house, getting back at your parents/guardians, something to do on the weekends?
4. What do you think your ex-boyfriend was looking for?
5. Were there outside pressures weighing on you before and during the relationship? Peer pressure to have a boyfriend, pressure from friends, feeling left out of your group, etc.
6. How deeply did the relationship go beyond physical attraction?

If you answer the imaginary exit interview questions in all honesty, then you probably already know why the relationship didn't last. Being completely honest and straightforward (even with ourselves) is not as easy or as common as you might think.

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How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
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Take An Honest Evaluation of Yourself

People spend as much or more time lying to themselves about their true intentions as they do lie to others. Have you ever listened to someone rant and rave about a person or a situation? And the more you listened, the more you realized that they were completely out of touch with what really happened. They were so wound up about being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed that they just could not take an honest look at themselves.

Jen wrote: You know, this is one of those things that is quite difficult to answer, as to be honest, whoever knows why people do the things they do. There are many different opinions on why men and women cheat. To me, there are just way too many reasons to know what the real "why" is or maybe. As for me, I often still find myself wondering what the answers are. I'll admit, relationships confuse me to this very day! Every relationship I have been in, something bad has always happened... In the end, relationships are hard, and cheating occurs for answers I wish I knew. I have yet to figure this out. And I have yet to figure "me" out. Maybe that's the answer? I don't know.

Other people (perhaps, like Jen) seem to be quite sincere, but just have not been able to dig down deep enough to pull out the answers. Being able to look at yourself with no-holding-back honesty is a pretty important part of learning from what has happened to you.

More Thoughts on Cheating

Cristy wrote: I'm 15. i was recently cheated on and don't know what to do...he begs for me back and i was about to when i saw him again... he knew this. yet he got back with his other ex, ****** her, then they broke up and he still wanted me back... i just don't know what to do and i feel so lost... i really trusted him and he doesn't understand.... i think i am done but i love him...

badboyloveshugs wrote:(Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? It is because) he is allowed to do so by girlfriends who keep taking him back.

Just because you were cheated on and just because it hurt really bad, doesn't necessarily mean you are going to learn anything from that experience. How do I know that? Because girls who have been cheated on often go back their cheating BFs, or they find a new BF who does the very same thing.

The questions above help you take a long hard look inside. That kind of honest look at yourself is going to make you a wiser, deeper person, and one who is going to attract some great guys.