Finding Comfort and Encouragement from Scripture

No matter where you are on your faith journey, you can find encouragement in the Bible. The scriptures are full of Bible verses for everyday people, no matter what they believe, and no matter how certain they are of God and His love. 

No one has to be perfect to read the Bible, which is great, because no one is! If you're a new believer, or if you are struggling with faith in God, I hope that some of my favorite Bible verses can encourage you to remain hopeful and seek comfort. If you are open to thinking about God, I hope they reveal how loving God is, and how meaningful and valuable your life is to Him.

If You Feel Hopeless

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Have you ever felt like you have no sense of purpose, or that you don't know what your purpose is? I have certainly gone through seasons in my life where things feel hopeless and listless. In those times, this verse is a great encouragement to me. I can do a lot to move my life forward, but I can't predict the future. This verse is a good reminder that, when we don't know where our life is going, and when things seem dark, confusing, or hopeless, we are not just drifting through life. Our lives have a purpose, and we have been created with a good purpose and a hopeful life in mind. When you think of a hopeful future, what comes to mind? Does it encourage you to know that God has hopeful and fulfilling plans for your life?

If You Want Stronger Relationships

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

We love talking and thinking about love, friendships, and relationships. This verse is so powerful to many people, no matter what their faith background, because it shows us what a loving, healthy relationship looks like. If you're working to be a more loving friend, partner, sibling, or spouse, this verse can be a good guide. 

Even if you're not sure what you believe about God, or if you're just now thinking about God for the first time, you can read this verse and know what His vision for our relationships is like: full of care, full of kindness, and full of joy. When you think of people you love, this verse can remind you of the qualities about those people that you're thankful for. When you tell someone, you love them, you can keep this verse in mind as you work to make your relationship stronger. 

If You're Seeking Peace of Mind

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul." - Psalm 23:1-2

No matter what you believe, you have probably heard this verse quoted during a time of sorrow or trouble. We all want to be comforted. We all want to be refreshed. When you have time to yourself, is your mind a peaceful, calming place? Or is it overshadowed by sad and sorrowful things? 

Sadness is a normal part of life, and it is normal and healthy to feel a range of emotions. But none of them have to take control to the exclusion of all other feelings. If you're open to turning your mind and heart to God on a tough day, imagine what it would be like to rest in a quiet place. This Bible verse shows us that God does that for our spirits. 

If You're Stressed

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

Anxiety is a part of life for virtually everyone. Whether you're going through a stressful time or living with a painful mental health diagnosis, it's easy to become overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety. If you find yourself unable to concentrate, to think straight, or to sleep well at night, you know how it feels to be gripped with anxiety. But how would it feel if you had somewhere to put those feelings? What would it be like if there was someone, other than you, who knew everything you were dealing with, and everything that was troubling you? This Bible verse shows us that God can take on everything that makes us anxious, and that He cares about us and wants to help us get to the other side of anxiety and feel a greater sense of calm.

If You're Grieving

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4

If you've lost a family member, friend, or loved one you cared about, I know it can't be easy to move forward. Grieving can be hard to understand, and very complicated to work through. On some days, it can seem like grief comes out of nowhere, no matter how long it's been since the loss happened, or how much work we've done to feel calmer and more at peace. 
This verse can be helpful no matter where you are in your faith or you're thinking about God. If you're in need of comfort after a loss, I hope it helps to know that turning to God can be a source of comfort when we can't seem to find it anywhere else.

If You Need a Friend

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends. . ." - John 15:15

A lot of times, God can seem distant. After all, we can't talk to him the way we can talk to a friend or family member. And unfortunately, God can sometimes be presented to us in a way that makes Him seem judgmental, angry, and even cruel. How does it make you feel to read this verse?  

For me, it is so encouraging to know that I can be honest when I talk to God in prayer, in the way that I would be honest with a friend.  Does thinking of God as a friend change your view of Him? I hope it gives you a new way to think about God that is more freeing, so that you feel more comfortable turning to Him during difficult times in your life. 

It can be a hopeful thing to think of God as a friend. But we still need someone to talk to in person about if we're struggling with faith or have questions about God. You're in a safe place to do that. You can get mentoring from HopeCoaches at the HopeLine, who are trained to talk through struggles in faith and big life issues without judgment. 

Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine whenever you need someone to talk to about struggles, questions, and hopes for the future. We are here to listen, and we believe in you.

Finding hope is tough during hard times, but there are things we can all do to stay strong. Read my blog about finding hope through good times and bad.

Struggling With Shame and Guilt After Girlfriend's Abortion

Hunter dated a girl he deeply cared for. When they were both 15 years old, she got pregnant, but ended up having an abortion at the insistence of her mother. Hunter supported the abortion at first, but then didn’t want to continue through with it, but it happened, nonetheless. Currently Hunter is still carrying around the guilt and shame of that abortion.

I Tried Everything to Stop It

Hunter felt he was manipulated and pressured by a so-called friend to support his girlfriend getting an abortion, but when it came time to follow through with it, his heart broke. He says, “I realized, that’s my DNA.” But his girlfriend’s mom and Hunter’s mom had already made the grave decision. They picked his girlfriend up from school one day and said, “Let’s go do it now.” So, she went and took the abortion pill. He says, “My baby was 6 weeks and 2 days old when it was cold blood murdered. I tried everything to stop it. To this day she’s still upset about it too.” They aren’t dating anymore, but Hunter continues to carry the shame of the abortion with him.

Peer to Peer: I Feel so Much Shame, What Do I Do?

Hunter is carrying a lot of shame, but he doesn’t have to keep feeling this way and carrying around this burden. With God’s help, he can confess his mistake and accept God’s forgiveness. We had some amazing women call in to share hope with Hunter. Some of them had similar heartbreak and shame, but with God’s help, were able to release their shame to the Lord and be set free. We first heard from Tanya, who has had 2 abortions.

I’ve had 2 Abortions, Jesus Has Washed the Shame from Me – Tanya

Tanya – “I took part in aborting 2 of my children. I was a teenager as well, a little older, 19 and the next one was when I was in my twenties. It spiraled my life down for 10 years, so I don’t want that to happen to you. I got on drugs, and I was promiscuous. Don’t let this take you down that path. What I did to get healing is I read the scriptures. Everyone was telling me that I needed to forgive myself, but I never found that scripture in the Bible. I’ve never read where it says we have to forgive ourselves. I’ve only read that we have to accept the forgiveness of our Creator, our Father. When I confessed out of my mouth, my part in the abortion, Jesus Christ washed that shame from me. I may not ever forgive myself for it, Hunter. It doesn’t matter if you forgive yourself or if the whole world comes against you. The only that matter is Jesus Christ and His forgiveness for you. It trumps everything else.

When I was going through my healing process, Jesus came really close to my heart and He soaked my heart quite often, like He never has before. One of the things He told me was He, Himself was a crisis pregnancy, and that’s something we don’t really hear very often. So, I had to check in the scriptures again to make sure I wasn’t making this up in my own mind. The scholars say that Mary was about 15 years old, about your age when this happened. She had no money. She had no husband. Being pregnant with Jesus, with no husband in her culture was a crime. If that’s not a crisis, then I don’t know what is. He chose to come into this world in a crisis pregnancy to a teenage mom. Why did He do that? Because He wants to show us, He knows where we come from. He understands Hunter. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you it’s going to be okay. You have a long journey, but as long you have your eyes on your Father and your Creator, the father of light. He doesn’t give anything bad. All the good gifts come from him. You can trust Him, and He will forgive you.

We All Mess Up, But God is Gracious to Cleanse Us - Andrea

Andrea – “The first thing that pops into my head is, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

I lost a baby. I didn’t lose him to abortion, but I know what that pain is. The other Bible verse I want to share is, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

We all screw up. We all make mistakes, but God is more than gracious to wash us of our sin when we do mess up. So, don’t let the devil tell you otherwise. When you confess your sins, God cleanses you immediately.”

I was Driven to Get an Abortion Because of Fear – Mary

Mary – “I’m old enough to be your grandma. I had an abortion a long time ago. I was driven to get an abortion because of fear. I was so afraid of what my parents would think. And that I wouldn’t be able to go to school. All of these things consumed me, but in the Bible, it says God did not give us a spirit of fear but of love. God Hunter, God loves you. It took me so long to accept that fact. I knew how He felt about me, but I couldn’t accept it because I was so filled with shame. I was so ashamed of myself and what I had done. I didn’t know how I would ever get out of it, even though I knew God. I didn’t know how deep His love was for me, until finally years and years later.

You have to accept the fact that you did something wrong, and it hurt you. And you need to ask forgiveness from the Father. As soon as He forgives you, He forgets. That’s how quickly it happens. You don’t have to carry the shame with you for a long time. You made a mistake and you have a father who understands and who forgives you and loves you deeply.”

You Have to Forgive Yourself, and Everyone Involved – Bria

Bria – “A few years ago I was at a party after a friend of mine had overdosed. At that party I made some poor choices and got taken advantage of. Fast forward 5 weeks later and I found out I was pregnant with this guy’s child. It took me a while to make the decision, but I decided I was going to keep the baby. Fast forward 2 weeks later from that, it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy.

The way to get through it is to surround yourself with a good church family and read up about forgiveness. You’ve got to forgive yourself. You have to forgive those who offended you. You have to forgive the mother. You have to forgive the ex-girlfriend. And you have to forgive yourself for even initially going along with it. Babies always have a place in heaven, so you’ll always be a father.

I had an Abortion and Carried Shame with Me for a Long Time - Charlene

Charlene – “Hi Hunter, I’m 47 years old, and when I was 17, I also had an abortion. I carried that shame for quite a while, and married an atheist, thinking that I really needed to try and have another baby. Ended up with 2 beautiful sons, however when I was 29, they both drowned. Now, I’m 47 and I have an 11-year-old. I carried shame with me for a very long time. I went towards drugs to try to hide that shame. It’s just not worth it to carry such a heavy load, when God is so loving and willing and accepting to take it. I’m thankful for all of my trials today. I’m so grateful, so unbelievably grateful to feel God’s love and forgiveness and know that it’s real. In Psalm 71:1 it says, "In you, Oh Lord, do i confidently put my trust. Let me never put to shame or confusion." 

This has Really Helped Me! - Hunter

Hunter – “I thank those 5 women for saying such amazing things. I thank each and every one of you. May God bless you. That really helped me a lot. I actually teared up a little listening to some of their stories.”

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

One thing I heard from Tanya, Mary, and Charlene is how long they carried with them the shame and emotional pain from the abortions.  If the enemy can get us tied up in our own emotional pain, then we are not able to live a life of freedom which God has enabled for us to do. The enemy would love for us to beat ourselves up, turn to false feel-goods, and never let go of the shame, but God has another plan. His plan for us to be set free from what holds us back. For Hunter, that means being set free from the bondage of shame.

And Bria was so right on when she talked about how Hunter needs to forgive himself and forgive all those who were involved in the abortion. And as Tanya pointed out, she was set free after confessing her sin and asking God for forgiveness. Hunter, confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, and then accept God’s love and forgiveness for you.

How do you think Hunter should get through this?

Have you had an abortion or been a part of a decision of someone else’s abortion? Or have you carried shame about something else around for years? If you’d be willing to share your story and what you’ve learned along the journey, we’d love to hear from you.

Please share in the comments below!
More Help and Resources:
Blog: Faith and Forgiveness, Does God Forgive Everything?
 Blog: 5 Ways to Forgive Yourself After a Failure
Blog: 6 Ways to Silence Shame
Blog: Accepting the Love of God
Free eBook: Understanding Forgiveness
Bible Verses on Forgiveness
Video: How Do I Forgive Myself?
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!

Learning to Communicate About Emotional Abuse

Abuse is always a heartbreaking situation. No matter what the relationship, it hurts me to hear of one person trying to control or dominate another. This cycle of abuse can be especially painful if you have an emotionally abusive spouse.

Sometimes you want to help people you love, even when they hurt you. Part of you is convinced that you know they can do better and be better, and that this is not the person you fell in love with or married. But the degree to which we can help someone depends on a few important things:

• How safe we feel helping them
• Whether or not we are caring for our own needs
• Whether or not they want to seek help

There is no one right answer to how to stop toxic behavior in a marriage. Some marriages will have more potential for growth and change than others.

Rather than offering one solution, I thought I’d share my thoughts on some of the most frequent questions I get about this. I hope sharing these thoughts will help you find clarity and a path toward healing from emotional abuse.

Common Questions About Emotional Abuse

1. How Do I Tell If They’re Being Abusive or If This Is Just Marriage? 

Marriage has its ups and downs. Arguments and fights will happen. And unfortunately, you’ll both say and do things you regret that cause one another pain. But abuse is different than anger issues because:

• It is a pattern of behavior developed over time
• It encompasses all areas of your relationship and how your spouse treats you.
• It is centered around controlling you: where you go, how you spend your time and money, who you are and aren’t allowed to be around, and so on.

As I mentioned, abuse is a cycle. There is often an incident, a fight, or a confrontation that is particularly hurtful, cruel, or controlling. Then the person apologizes, often becoming very affectionate, giving gifts, and doing a lot of things you want to do. They promise it will never happen again. 

But over time, as they feel control slipping away, the cycle repeats. If you’ve noticed this cycle playing out, your spouse is showing patterns of emotional abuse.

2. How Can I Talk to Them Without Them Getting More Upset?

The abusive behavior of your spouse is never, ever your fault. Unfortunately, patterns of abuse are often so ingrained that the person who’s abusive will shut down at any sign that they are being blamed or being asked to take responsibility. 

Another thing that makes conversation difficult is that abuse is characterized by manipulation and increasing levels of control. If you have noticed that they are:

• Not responsive when you want to talk about your feelings 
• Seeming to get more agitated and unkinder whenever you bring up problems
• Threatening you after trying to talk about how you feel

It may not be possible to have a conversation with them about their abusive behavior. You cannot control how they treat you. But you do have control over yourself, and you can and should take steps to keep yourself safe. 

3. What Can I Do If Divorce Isn’t an Option?

I want to be clear about something. While I would never say that I “encourage divorce” or “support divorce” as a solution to the majority of conflicts, abuse is not a frivolous conflict or a petty argument. It’s an entire dynamic of control that one person uses over another. 

And if you feel like your efforts to work on things or talk things through with your partner are fruitless or unsafe, you are not a bad person for considering divorce or separation to protect yourself. Even if you grew up in a religious home, with a belief that God is against divorce, God’s love for you is vast and deep. He wants you to be safe, loved, and at peace. 

If you feel you must stay in your marriage, it is very important that you have a counselor or a trusted friend with whom you can check in regularly. Be honest about your safety with them and do your best to be open to changing your situation as a way of caring for yourself and protecting your safety. 

4. What If I Fear for My Physical Safety?

If you fear for your physical safety, making a safety plan should be your top priority. It’s important to make a plan with people you trust, who will not share your whereabouts with your spouse if you decide to leave. 

TheHopeLine works with many support organizations for victims of abuse that are experienced in helping people safely leave abusive environments. They can help you make a plan to leave that minimizes further risk to your safety as much as possible.

5. Should We See a Professional?

Going to a counselor is certainly something you could do for typical disagreements and misunderstandings. But since abuse is about a power struggle, and it tends to escalate when the abuser is challenged, abuse counselors do not recommend seeking counseling with your emotionally abusive spouse. 

However, it is absolutely good and appropriate for you to seek one-on-one counseling or group therapy to help you understand and heal from abuse. You can find mentoring for healing from emotional abuse here at TheHopeLine, as well as from numerous therapists and counselors who specialize in post-abuse healing and recovery.

6. What Do I Say to a Counselor?

When you do find a counselor or mentor whom you feel is a good fit for you and your situation, I recommend being as open and honest as you’re able. Simply telling them something like, “I think my marriage is emotionally abusive”, will allow them to ask you the appropriate questions to get you the help you need, and will enable them to help you plan for your safety.

Your counselor will know how to address the situation without putting your safety at risk. They will not share your feelings, fears, or concerns with your spouse.

7. How Can I Understand them and Why They Do This?

Without knowing your spouse, I can’t say exactly why they’re emotionally abusive. However, in my years as a counselor, I’ve seen some common threads when it comes to why people develop abusive behavior patterns:

• They were abused themselves and they are repeating those patterns 
• They have unhealed pain or trauma
• They have other addictive behaviors that align with their cycles of abuse

While thinking about these things may keep you from hating and dehumanizing your abusive spouse, they are no excuse for abusive behavior. 

Many people who grew up with trauma and abuse, or who live with addiction, are able to find healthy coping mechanisms and proper treatment. But it has to be something each person wants and takes responsibility for. 

8. Should I Feel Guilty for Marrying Someone Abusive?

Sometimes when relationships take a turn for the worse, it’s easy to be tempted to beat ourselves up. But the signs of abuse, especially emotional abuse, can be hard to recognize until they have escalated so much that they are apparent in your day-to-day life. 

There is no reason to feel guilty about someone else’s abusive behavior, or about not recognizing it sooner. Take every chance you can to be kind to yourself and be proud of the fact that you are standing up for yourself and seeking help and understanding in this way. 

9. I Know I Need Help. What Do I Do Next?

Recognizing you are in an emotionally abusive marriage is a scary but important first step to finding safety and getting help. If you are in an emergency, or if your life is being threatened, call 911. If this is not an emergency, you can get help right here. 

TheHopeLine’s HopeCoaches are trained to be judgment-free, compassionate listeners who will support you on your journey to freedom and healing from abuse. Talk to a HopeCoach today about your marriage, and about how you can find hope after emotional abuse. You can do this. And we can help you along the way. 

Blaming yourself for abuse is normal, but there is hope for healing after abuse. Read my blog on healing after abuse and taking it one day at a time. 

Why Substance Abuse Can Quickly Lead to Addiction

If you struggle with substance abuse, you’ve probably heard it called a “slippery slope,” but it may not be clear what that means for you, your treatment, and your recovery. 

I’m hopeful that sharing what I’ve learned through talking with many people who have substance abuse issues can help you sort through your challenges and find a supportive way forward. 

Why Substance Abuse is a Slippery Slope

Substance abuse is different from addiction, although the two are closely connected. If you’re using drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances to self-soothe or self-medicate, it can develop into addiction quickly, even if you don’t think you will become addicted and even feel like you’re making an effort not to. 

That’s because there are a number of other factors that influence addiction, beyond personal commitments or preferences. Here’s what I’ve learned:

• The sooner you start using a drug or addictive substance, the more likely an addiction will develop. 
• If you have access to drugs for a longer period of time, they will be easier to use, and you’ll be more likely to use them more frequently.
• The stronger or “harder” a drug is, the more likely a dangerous addiction will develop more quickly, and it will be more difficult to break free from. 
• If you have existing mental health issues, you are more prone to developing an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or other unhealthy substances, especially if you are already using them to self-soothe.
• Childhood trauma, including a family history of addiction, could definitely play a role in shifting a substance abuse issue into addiction.
• Because body makeup and genetics can play a role, it’s very risky to use any drugs or addictive substances casually, since how and when it becomes addictive can be very unpredictable.
• Drug and substance use itself can make avoiding addiction difficult, since using drugs and alcohol impairs judgment and perception.

(Adopted from DARA Thailand)
If any of these factors are part of your life, it’s important to get help with substance use and abuse before it becomes an addiction. 

There is Hope for People with Substance Abuse

I know it can be intimidating and scary to think about your substance abuse struggles as an addiction. But no matter where you are in your experience with drugs or other harmful substances, there are people who can help, and there’s hope for your healing and recovery.

It’s important to remember that God loves us unconditionally, no matter what we struggle with, and He will forgive and strengthen you as you make an effort to grow and heal. 

There are lots of dedicated organizations that help people with substance abuse, and they have a variety of expertise and unique experience to help bolster you for the recovery journey.

And you have our support, too. TheHopeLine has lots of free resources, like ebooks, podcasts, and radio shows, that have helped many people work through substance abuse and break free from addictive behaviors. 

If you need one-on-one support, our HopeCoaches can offer mentoring to support you without judgment. If you’re ready to get help, talk to a HopeCoach today. We are here to listen, and we believe you will find hope and healing. 

Recovering from addiction will not be an identical journey for everyone. No matter your unique story, here are a few "first steps" to recovery that are likely to help you feel more confident breaking free from addiction. 

You Can Find Peace and Make Connections

Childhood abandonment can happen in many ways. You might have felt abandoned as a child if any of these things happened when you were younger:

• One parent moving out during a separation or divorce
• Losing a parent or someone else you were very close to as a child
• Experiencing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse during childhood
• Having a parent in the military who was deployed
• Watching your parents work long hours, or frequently be away from home for work reasons

This isn’t an exhaustive list, of course. Feeling abandoned can happen to all of us for different reasons, and at different times throughout our lives. But when difficult things happen to us as children, the effects can last into our adulthood. 

I’m hopeful that sharing these suggestions for how to have good relationships after childhood abandonment will give you ideas for how to find meaningful connection with others at this important time of your life.

Know the Abandonment was Not Your Fault When we are children, our brains are trying to connect the dots. Unfortunately, this can lead to misunderstandings that harm our self-esteem and affect our self-worth. 

If you felt abandoned by a parent or caregiver as a child, you may have thought it was your fault, or that there was something you could have done to prevent it from happening. 

I want to reassure you that you did not cause the abandonment you experienced. All the choices that ended with you feeling abandoned were made by the adults around you. Nothing about what happened to you as a child means you were or are a bad person or damaged goods. 

Sometimes people are not there to express love as much as we’d like. Or they do a poor job expressing love. Or they have a toxic or distorted way of expressing their feelings. All those things are related to their choices and their behavior. Not anything you did.

You have always been and will always be worthy of love, acceptance, and connection, regardless of others’ choices. You have the ability to make connections with others in spite of the difficult things you had to deal with as a child. People with abandonment issues can and do have many meaningful, rich relationships throughout the rest of their lives. And you can absolutely strengthen your sense of connection with others regardless of what’s happened in your past.

Recognize How Abandonment Impacts Relationships

The impact of childhood abandonment on your adult relationships goes beyond how you feel about yourself. It can affect how you feel about others, and how you relate to them. Sometimes, it may cause challenges and conflicts in your friendships and relationships. 
Through years of counseling young adults, here are a few of the most common ways I’ve noticed early abandonment issues affect later relationships:

• Fear of Further Abandonment: You may feel constantly worried about whether your friend, your partner, or another family member will leave you or leave your relationship. 
• Problems with Trust: That fear can lead to struggles trusting people, whether it's trusting people with your feelings, or trusting that they will be there for you.
• “All or Nothing” Attitude: With relationships in general, people who experience abandonment might either feel the need to cling to anyone close to them, or they may be very detached in their friendships and relationships. It can sometimes be hard to find the middle ground. 
• Desire to Control: You may feel a constant tension in your relationships because you want things to turn out for the best. You may try to influence your friends or people you’re dating to make certain choices, because you don’t want this relationship to suffer like past relationships. But this need to be in control is likely part of what’s putting strain on your friendships and relationships in the first place.

It may be hard to fully know or understand how abandonment has impacted your life, and that’s okay. We often have to learn these things with the help of a counselor or mentor to talk us through it. But any patterns you can recognize will help you know what to work on to make your friendships and relationships stronger. 

Remind Yourself: These Relationships are Different

One of the best things you can do as you work through abandonment issues in new relationships is to gently remind yourself of an important truth. This new relationship, whether it’s a new friend, a new partner, or another family member who wants to connect with you, is not a relationship with the person who abandoned you. 

You are in a relationship with a different person who will make different choices, which will have a different outcome. And you aren’t the same person, either. 

You are older and wiser, and you are making efforts to strengthen your friendships and relationships every day. It will take time to believe and trust these things about yourself and others, but that’s okay. Every effort you make to remind yourself of these truths in your relationships will be helpful in the long run. And perfection is not required for your relationships to grow. 

Don’t Expect Everything from One Person: When someone makes us feel abandoned, we often have a sense of them leaving a huge hole in our lives and hearts. When someone plays such a central role in your life, it is natural to grieve that loss. But it’s important to remember that, as you work on new friendships and relationships, no one person can be everything to us. No single relationship with another person is going to make us feel perfectly whole or complete. That doesn’t mean something is wrong. It's simply because we’re all human, and as meaningful as human relationships are, they can only do so much for us.

When I am longing for something more from life or relationships, I have to stop and remember that people can meet some of my needs, but not all of them. And I have some wonderful friends, but none of them are able to be there for me 24/7/365.

In those moments, I turn to my faith. I remember that God is always there, and He has an infinite capacity to listen, to love, and to fulfill me. If you’re open to thinking about God, I hope it helps you to know that God will never, ever abandon you. There is nothing you can do to be beyond His care or unworthy of His love. You were created out of love, and you can find a deep sense of connection with God that can sustain you during the ups and downs of life and relationships. 

Get Help Building New Relationships

Working through abandonment issues takes time, effort, and patience with yourself. It’s great to read about what to do, and to try your best to build trust and connection with others. But issues this complicated often need outside guidance, mentoring, and support. If you aren’t sure who to talk to, or don’t feel comfortable talking to friends and family about your feelings of abandonment, you aren’t alone. You can talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine. 

Reach out to us anytime to talk about how childhood abandonment makes you feel, about your hopes for your relationships, and about how you’d like to grow. We’ll support you on your journey toward healing and connection. We’re here for you and ready to listen.

Have relationship challenges left you feeling isolated and frustrated? Find out the secret behind a healthy relationship for more advice.

What is Emotional Abuse?

One of the most challenging things about suffering from emotional abuse is that it’s not always apparent that abusive behavior is happening. Both the person in the relationship with an abuser and their friends and family have a hard time spotting emotional abuse and disrupting its cycle.

Knowing some of the most common signs can help you identify whether you’re in an abusive relationship and make a plan to leave that harmful environment. It can also help with emotional abuse prevention to educate yourself about abusive behaviors, and how to cultivate healthy boundaries that meet your emotional needs.

Isolation

In the early stages of an emotionally abusive relationship, the person may make you feel like you are the center of their world. They may want to spend all their time with you and may give you intense attention and affection.

This creates a sense of excitement and dependence and makes it easier to isolate you from friends and family. Notice how someone reacts to you wanting to spend time with others or be alone. If they are resistant, that is a red flag and could signal further emotionally abusive behavior.

Control

Control is a hallmark of every type of abuse. The difference in whether the abuse is physical or emotional comes in how a person with abusive behaviors exerts control in an attempt to keep you from leaving the relationship. If someone is physically dominant, their victims are physically abused. With emotional abuse, someone uses strong emotions to manipulate you into doing what they say, or staying with them, even if you want to leave. This could include lying, manipulation, and misrepresenting what you say and do to make them look like the victim. Stay alert. If someone is constantly downplaying, dismissing, or contradicting your emotions, it’s time to get support to leave the relationship.

Cruelty

Emotional abuse goes beyond the occasional argument or misunderstanding. An emotionally abusive person has deliberated patterns of cruelty. This could include derogatory comments about you, your appearance, your other close relationships, or your identity (like racism, sexism, or other bigoted attitudes).

If someone is using cruelty and name-calling to belittle you and silence you, whether it’s when you’re alone or with others, it’s time to distance yourself from this person and their emotionally abusive behavior. Don’t wait for continued cycling of harm, making up, and repeated harm. Support and help are available right now from people who are trained to help.

Denial

I’ve counseled a lot of people recovering from abuse over the years. One of the hardest parts to overcome is the sense of denial. They don’t want to believe that someone they care about is deliberately hurting them, so they often try to convince themselves it’s not so bad. And the person who has abused them also makes a lot of attempts to smooth things over or minimize them. 

I want you to know, if you are in an emotionally abusive situation, your feelings are valid. You were created with meaning and purpose. You are loved by God and many people in your life. If you have any thoughts, you might be victimized by emotional abuse, there are always people willing to listen and help. 

If you’re not sure where to start, this is a safe place. Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine to share how you feel and start your journey to healing after emotional abuse. We can give you encouragement and connect you with organizations that specialize in offering support for emotional abuse recovery. We are here for you. You matter. And you don’t have to go through this alone.

Want to examine your relationship more? Read my blog, 8 Signs Your Dating Relationship Is Unhealthy.

Finding Peace After Mistakes

Failures never feel great, but do you ever feel like you’re in a tailspin after a failure? Maybe you struggle with feeling like you hate yourself for whatever you did wrong, like the person who sent me this message recently:

“I really messed up in some of my relationships recently, and I hate myself for it. My girlfriend is a wonderful person, but we seem to bump heads a lot lately, and I’m overreacting towards my family members, too. My friends have noticed how my mistakes have affected me, and it seems like they’ve started distancing themselves. I really want to make things better in my life, but I don’t know where to start when my mistakes are overwhelming me.” 

I’m really sorry if your failures, mistakes, or shortcomings have left you feeling such pain. I know it is not easy to come to terms with the fact that we’ve failed, especially if that failure happened in a relationship or friendship. There’s something about knowing we’ve let someone down that feels particularly hard to bounce back from, especially if they’re someone very close to us. 

But I also know that we can recover from failures, and so can our close relationships. I hope these suggestions help you open your mind to the possibility of things getting better so you can start finding the healing your heart needs.  

1. Turn “I Messed Up” Into “I Can Do Better”

It’s natural to feel frustrated and upset about our mistakes but think about why you’re so upset. Do you realize, deep down, that you can do better? 

If so, that’s a powerful truth that can help you move forward. Instead of getting stuck in an endless loop of guilt and shame with questions like “why on earth did I do that?”, or “what was I thinking?”, try asking yourself new questions that help you dig deeper:

• What will my friendship or relationships look like if I do things differently next time?
• Is there anything I can learn about how to be a better friend from this situation?
• What have others learned from making similar mistakes?
• How can I avoid making the same mistakes again?

2. Remember: No One is Perfect

One of the reasons we can feel so down on ourselves when we make mistakes is that it can sometimes seem like no one messes up as badly as we have. But let me reassure you: everyone makes mistakes. Every human messes up. That lack of perfection is one of the things that makes us human. And while that can seem discouraging on the surface, there are ways to think about it that might help you forgive yourself:

Everyone you know has made mistakes, including people you greatly admire. Yet, you’ve also seen those same people do many kind and wonderful things. Their mistakes and failures don’t define them or run their lives. You are so much more than your mistakes. Your strengths and your uniqueness don’t go away when you make mistakes, and plenty of people in your life will still be able to see that.

3. Don’t Forget the Good

There is good in every “mistake” if you learn from it. To find it, we often have to do some digging. But it’s very worthwhile. Because when you understand why you haven’t been able to forgive yourself up to this point, you can make a plan for finding a way through it to the other side. I may not know you personally, but I can make suggestions based on some of the most common reasons people struggle to forgive themselves:

• Did you not try your best and you’re kicking yourself for missing a chance? Giving it your all-next time will very likely give you a way forward.
• Did you try your best? If so, you don’t have to kick yourself. You can acknowledge your frustration, and let your energy fuel you towards growing even more.

It’s not wrong to be angry about mistakes. But it’s not sustainable to feel that way, and only that way, without any growth or forward movement.

• Will you be upset about this in 5-10 years? Even a year from now? If not, then why waste the energy today? It’s acceptable to take the time to understand your anger or guilt, but keep in mind it’s important for your mental health and relationship with yourself to move on after acknowledging that next time, it will be different. 
• Are there deeper reasons you’re upset? Is a parent or friend more disappointed than you are in yourself even after you tried your best? If so, they are the only ones responsible for those feelings and that is not a reflection on you.

You can’t change the person you disappointed. And you can’t rush their healing. But if you focus your energy and time on your healing and growth, the relationships and friendships you’re in will still grow, get stronger, and go deeper.

4. Be a Friend to Yourself

I think a “silver lining” to the frustration we feel with ourselves after making a mistake can be chalked up to the fact that we hold ourselves to very high standards. And wanting to do your best, and to always do right by other people, is certainly a good thing.

But there comes a point when we are so overly focused on doing better and being better that we start beating ourselves up. 
In those moments, it can really help to be a friend to yourself. In other words, show care for yourself by holding yourself to the kind, generous standards you hold people you care about:

• Are you holding yourself to higher standards than you would a friend in a similar situation who may have made similar mistakes?
• If you had a very close friend or family member who couldn’t seem to forgive themselves for a mistake, what would you say? How would you be kind and gentle with them? How might you show that same kindness and gentleness to yourself in this situation?

Being a friend to yourself starts simply, but it makes a big difference. You can start by reminding yourself how you’ve bounced back from mistakes and upsets in the past. Giving yourself reminders of what you’ve overcome in the past might help your current struggles feel more manageable. 

5. Turn to Your Encouragers

When I’m feeling down after a failure, I turn to the encouragers in my life. There are people who always make me feel like I can be better, and that things can get better. Of course, just because someone is a family member doesn’t mean they are always encouraging, or that they have to be the person you go to after a tough upset. 
If you’re trying to decide who to go to for encouragement, ask yourself: 

• Have I gone to this person before during a hard time? Did they lift my spirits?
• Can I trust this person to be caring and considerate?
• Will this person say helpful things? Will they give me practical suggestions for how to get out of a funk?

Sometimes, it’s hard to know who to turn to because you feel self-conscious about the mistakes you’ve made. In those moments, if you’re open to thinking about God, I hope it helps to remember that He always forgives us. He sees us as a whole person with strength and potential. 

If you’re still struggling after a recent failure and not sure who to talk to, this is a safe place to start. Talk to a HopeCoach today about what’s getting you down and steps you can take to recover from mistakes. 

Turn Things Around by Changing Your Mindset

Struggling with self-esteem can be hard, especially if you’ve been feeling like it derails your day, distracts you from what you need to do, or keeps you from fully enjoying your life.

Have you had intrusive thoughts like these?

• “I’m not good enough for my job.”
• “I’m not smart enough to get that degree.”
• “People don’t really care about me. They’re just pretending.”
• “I’ll never be able to make my dating life work: I keep messing up the same ways over and over.”

On my radio show, I’ve talked to people that have had some of these same thoughts. Thoughts that they were not good enough. It’s completely normal.

What can make this especially frustrating is that these thoughts never come at a convenient time when we feel ready to face them and work on them. They often seem to come out of left field, when you’re in the middle of doing something fun or important that you’d rather focus on.

So, what can you do in the moment? There are little decisions you can make, and small ways you can shift your mindset to free yourself from some of the burden of low self-esteem. While it only takes a moment sometimes for our spirits to lift, it takes regular, daily practice of these healthy habits to make better self-esteem more natural.

Be patient with yourself as you practice these things. I’ve seen people grow so much over the years by committing to doing simple things every day, and I have no doubt you can turn your mindset toward hope.

Look at Challenges You've Overcome

You’ve been through a lot. And it hasn’t always been easy, but you’ve made it this far! When your self-esteem feels low, think about the challenges you’ve been through not just as things that have happened to you, but as things you’ve overcome with your strength, your resilience, and your determination. That makes you a pretty impressive person.

It gives me hope to remember that being strong does not mean never struggling, and courage doesn’t mean never being afraid. You’ve shown strength by pressing on even when it’s not easy, and courage by pushing through difficult things when you’ve felt afraid.

• What are you proud of yourself for overcoming in your life?
• How has what you’ve been through made you a stronger, more resilient person?
• What would you tell someone you care about who is going through similar challenges to those you’ve faced in the past?

Use Your Talents to Serve Others

Thinking about your talents can help you turn your mindset around in the moment and think more positively. If you’re not sure where to start, think through questions like:

• What are you good at?
• What comes naturally to you?
• If you’re not happy with your current job, what could you see yourself doing?
• What would you do if you had abundant free time to do so?

Does it make you feel better to think of your strengths, and to remember the things you’ve accomplished? Even if you can’t do what you do best or love most for a living, there are still ways you can build it into your life.

One of the most powerful ways to do this is by helping others. Not only will it make you feel better to do what you enjoy, but you’ll be able to see how much of an impact that has on others. You can volunteer at an organization that means a lot to you, or that ties in with your skills and talents:

• If you love animals, you can help out at an animal shelter
• If you are a good cook, you can cook meals for a program that feeds the homeless
• If you are a good writer, you can write blogs or newsletters for a nonprofit you care about

These are just a few ideas, but there are lots of possibilities out there!

Surround Yourself with People Who Make You Feel Good

If you’ve had some ups and downs or have been in some relationships that felt toxic, it can be hard for your self-esteem to recover.
You can bounce back bit by bit by surrounding yourself with people who encourage you and affirm the best things about you. But how do you do that when you can’t be with your favorite people in person?

• Keep cards or notes from friends and family somewhere you can see them so they can boost your mood when you’re having a bad day.
• Text or call someone who loves you when you’re feeling down to ask them for a pep talk.
• Set up regular video calls with friends and family who live far away, so you can have the joy of seeing them face-to-face, even if you can’t be in the same room.

Embrace What Others Love About You

The more you make it a point to surround yourself with kind people and focus on their kind words, the more you’ll realize something important that can help you in moments when you’re facing low self-esteem. The things you believe about yourself, and the way you see yourself at those times, is very different from how people you care about see you.

Of course, we all make mistakes, we all mess up, and we all hurt people through those mistakes from time to time. And it can be painful to come to terms with that. But who you are is so much more than the mistakes you’ve made? People who love you see you as a whole person: your strengths, your struggles, what makes you unique, and what they admire about you.

When you make an effort to embrace what others love about you, you’re seeing yourself more clearly, and it can be easier to think of your mistakes as just that: things you did that you’d like to do differently, not something that makes you a “bad person” or unworthy of love.

• What is something people say they love or admire about you?
• What are 5 words the person closest to you would use to describe you?

Write those words down on sticky notes or an index card. Once a day, look at them to remind yourself of the truth: you are someone with many strengths and gifts, and you are valued by the people you care about.

Represent the Qualities You Care About Most

I know it’s hard not to struggle with self-esteem when things don’t go the way we hoped or planned. But in those moments, it can help me to remind myself of all the ways I did the best I can, even if things didn’t turn out the way I wanted.
Doing what you know is right— and reminding yourself that you’ve done your best to do the right thing— are two things you can do every day to build your self-esteem over time.

• If you believe that being a loyal friend is important, think about how you can be (and have been) a loyal friend to others.
• If flakiness bothers you, remind yourself of a time you kept your word to someone, and make sure you aren’t a flaky friend.
• If you don't like it when people say hurtful things behind your back, don’t spread gossip the next time you overhear it.

When I do what I know is right, my self-esteem is raised, and I feel more confident about my decisions. And it helps me to stay grounded in my faith. If you’re open to thinking about God, it might help to remember that He knows your strengths, and He loves you for who you are, even in the moments no one else is watching.

And no matter where you are in thinking about faith, it is always comforting to know we’ve been true to ourselves.

But I know that sometimes, even when you’ve worked hard to feel better about yourself, it can take extra support to get through the tough times. You don’t have to go through that alone. You can talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine about what’s getting you down and make a plan to take steps to start feeling better. We are here for you, and we are always in your corner.

One of the most freeing things you can do is break off the lies that have taken hold and replace them with the truth about who you are. Read how to change the pattern of negative self-talk.

Should I Be Telling the Truth No Matter What?

You've probably heard the old saying "honesty is the best policy". But is there ever a time when you don't have to tell the whole truth? Take a look at this message I received recently:

"I never want to lie, but there are times when I wonder if telling white lies is ever okay. What if someone cooks a meal for me, and they ask what I think, but I don't like it? Isn’t it rude to criticize a complimentary meal? What if something a friend does is bothering me? Wouldn't being totally honest ruin the friendship? I'm starting to wonder if honesty is always the answer, especially when it seems like such an uncomfortable burden."

I appreciate this person for asking a tough question. Maybe you can relate. Perhaps you feel pressure not to tell "the whole truth", or to even be a bit dishonest about how you feel, to keep things from getting too tense? I understand that feeling, and we've all been there. Sometimes we don't even realize we're telling a white lie simply because we're more focused on preserving someone else's feelings. That's okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend. But like anything else, there are pros and cons.

I can remember telling a white lie to a friend. I didn't love a gift they gave me and tried to act like I did. But the outcome was more uncomfortable than the discomfort I was trying to avoid. My friend could tell I wasn't being sincere, and that led to a whole new conflict that could have been avoided.

When she noticed I wasn’t satisfied with the gift, we ended up debating whether or not she knew me well enough. She was hurt by that discussion, and eventually told me I should have just been honest to begin with. She was right, of course. But it's often not easy to see things clearly in the moment when our emotions are running high.

Though my advice to someone I care about would always be to strive to tell the truth, I know we’re all human. No one is perfect. Like I just mentioned, I’ve been there myself! So, what can you do in this situation? If you’re unsure about how to move forward with a tough conversation, I think it's best to consider the outcomes of both withholding and telling the truth. Here are some things I've learned over the years about telling white lies. I hope they can help you find a way to move forward with a clear conscience.

Not Telling Someone the Truth Could Harm Them

It’s human nature to want to avoid conflict with people we care about, especially if it seems like a small thing that could be avoided if we didn't say how we really felt. But, as happened with my friend and me, choosing to tell a white lie to protect someone's feelings might actually hurt them instead.

Think of it this way, your friends know you well. So, they can probably tell if you're dissatisfied or troubled anyway. Beyond hurting their feelings and keeping them from having a more meaningful relationship with you, hiding the truth may actually be keeping your loved one from learning and growing.

For example, let's say you have a friend who only talks about their problems, and you hardly get a chance to confide in them. You have a great time together, but when you really need someone to talk to, they end up taking over those conversations with their own issues. If you truly care about this friend and want to continue the friendship, it's essential that you let them know it bothers you when you feel you're there for them during their troubles, but they aren't there for you the way you need them to be.

Of course, you’ll want to try your best to be sensitive to how they will receive this news, but typically the sooner you can have this conversation, the better. Let them know you're saying this out of respect and love for the friendship and you know that if you have these tough conversations now, you can be friends for years to come. Hopefully then they will see that you’re only saying what you mean in honor of your relationship.

This Could Become a Toxic Pattern

Lies, even white lies, have to be maintained in order to "work". That means that what started as one "little white lie" to avoid an uncomfortable conversation or confrontation, could become a series of lies that you have to keep up over a period of time.

Even if you feel like you've never let on, you're not being truthful, odds are good your friend, family member, or significant other will figure it out. The more white lies you tell, the harder it will become to pretend you're okay, or to keep track of all the half-truths you've told along the way. You may find it much more freeing to have one slightly uncomfortable conversation when something happens, than to have one very uncomfortable conversation later, when lots of "little white lies" have piled up to become a bigger problem. Your friend, family member, or partner could also interpret the lies as disrespectful or even feel they can't trust you as much. Isn't telling the truth in the moment easier than all of these possible outcomes? You can avoid getting into this toxic relationship pattern by reminding yourself that it may not feel great in the moment to tell the truth, but you'll feel a lot less bogged down later by the pressure of keeping your feelings hidden.

You Can Be Honest and Still Be Sensitive

One of the things that have helped me to avoid telling white lies to people I care about is to remember that, while honesty strengthens a relationship, "brutal honesty" isn't necessary. You can be honest with people you care about, and still protect your relationship, and their feelings, from unnecessary harm.

For example, instead of replying "I'm sick of how you always talk about yourself in our conversations" when a friend asks what's bothering you, you could say "I have some stuff on my mind I've been wanting to talk about, and I'm bummed I haven't felt like I can talk about those things with you."

This is honest, it puts your feelings out there, but it's neither overtly unkind nor unproductive to the conversation. If you're wondering how to phrase something, I find it helps to be:

• Clear: Tell them what the issue is that you have a problem with or dislike: “I didn’t enjoy that restaurant we went to the other day as much as I’d hoped.”
• Kind: Frame it in terms of your feelings, without attacking them or being needlessly harsh: “I’d feel better going somewhere less expensive next time, since I need to save money.”
• Patient: Remember that this may be hard for your loved one to hear. Give them time to process and be prepared for the possibility that they could be uncomfortable or upset: “I know it’s one of your favorite places. I’m sorry if this is uncomfortable to hear.”
• Caring: Express that you care about them as part of this conversation: “What’s most important to me is us spending quality time together. I think we’ll have a great time, even if we go somewhere else next time.”

Telling the Truth Builds Trust

If white lies get found out by people we care about, they may find it more difficult to trust us moving forward. But telling the truth builds trust. It shows that,

• You and your friend trust each other to be truthful, and to be kind when you tell the truth
• You can be trusted to tell each other what's most helpful, rather than what's the easiest or most comfortable
• Your friendship is strong enough to get through uncomfortable conversations that have to happen from time to time

If you're worried about white lies you've told someone you care about, I understand. But if you're burdened with guilt or shame, telling your loved one could help free you from that. They may be upset, but they love you. Together, you can work on rebuilding trust, gentle honesty, and forgiveness.

When I'm having trouble forgiving myself, or I’m worried that a loved one will never forgive me, it helps me to remember that God forgives me of everything. If you're open to thinking about God, I hope it comforts you to know that He forgives you for the times you've struggled to be honest. He doesn't expect you to be perfect, and He loves you no matter what.

Honesty Helps You Be True to Yourself

One of the most important things to remember is that our loved ones are never the only ones impacted when we don’t tell the whole truth. Telling white lies eventually wears on us. In your heart of hearts, you may feel guilt and shame about not being totally upfront with someone, or you may always be worried they’re going to figure out you weren’t totally honest.

Being upfront and clear about your feelings means you’re being true to yourself and your conscience. It frees you from the burden of having to hide part of how you feel, and it creates room for growth in your relationships.

But even if you want to avoid telling white lies to your loved ones, it’s not always easy. Sometimes, you might need extra support and guidance to know how to say what you really think, or how you really feel, without causing unnecessary harm or friction.

Lying hurts because it takes us into a vicious cycle of mistrust. Read my blog on how lying hurts you for more help with lying. Remember, once you tell a lie, you usually have to lie again to cover up the first lie.