You Can Still Love Each Other and Disagree

Child and parent relationships are some of the most powerful relationships there are. If parents and kids don’t get along, or if that relationship is toxic, it can cause great pain to everyone. Yet, it can be a source of great love and fulfillment if the relationship is healthy. 

There are times when you can strengthen your relationship with your parents by finding a way to resolve a disagreement. Or maybe you realize, after a while, that you actually see things more similarly than you thought. 

But that’s not always the case. Sometimes, even if you love your parents dearly and consider yourselves very close, disagreements can seem to take over.

Does this email I received sound familiar?  “I want to be close to my mom and dad, but ever since we’ve talked about having differing views on political and social issues, things have gotten tense. It seems like we can’t have a conversation anymore without it turning into an argument. My beliefs are important to me, but I also don’t want to ruin my relationship with my parents. I’m not sure what to do.”

If you feel frustrated and confused about bumping heads with your parents over your differences, you’re definitely not alone. Differing with the family that raised us is one of the growing pains we all have to experience as we figure out who we are. 

I’ll be honest. There are times when my children and I have disagreed. That was frustrating for all of us. If you’re troubled by disagreeing with your parents on certain issues, I hope to reassure you that you can disagree and still have a meaningful relationship. It is also O.K. to have differing views to those of your parents without compromising your beliefs. Here’s what I suggest in order to maintain a loving relationship while staying true to yourself.

How to Love Your Parents when You Disagree

Ask Them Questions 

Have you ever asked your parents questions?

• About their life?
• About their upbringing?
• About things they’re proud of?
• About things they’d like to do or try?

Learning about people can help us feel more connected to them, and it is a caring act to show your parents you are interested in getting to know things about them that they may have never shared with you before. Sometimes understanding where someone comes from can give you a sense of why they think and feel the way they do, and why they prioritize some things over others.

Even if talking to your parents about their lives doesn’t change your views, you might learn something interesting or remarkable about them, and your conversations may help you shift your perspective, or at least love them as the human being they are.

Your disagreements with your parents probably have an edge to them because they feel very personal. It can seem, in the moment, like you’re being attacked for who you are or what you believe. But understanding the situations and challenges that shaped your parents and the way they think, might help you remember that you’re all unique people whose lives have informed your beliefs in different ways, rather than two opposing sides of an argument. 

Share Your Favorite Memories

When you spend time with your parents, take some time to share your favorite memories. Look through old pictures or videos or watch a movie you loved growing up. 

Remembering good times, you shared together doesn’t erase tension for good, but it can be a good reminder that your family has been through a lot together. Ups and downs, good times and bad, you’ve all grown and changed a lot over the years. Hopefully it encourages you to see how you’ve come together, and how you were able to do so as uniquely different people with different ways of looking at the world.

Do Fun Things Together

Family traditions can be a great way to come together and build a strong connection. Even if you didn’t grow up sharing traditions, you can try new things together, and build new traditions. You might do things like:

• Cooking a meal together
• Having a family game night
• Doing a gift swap
• Making a scrapbook
• Going on a scavenger hunt
• Taking a road trip
• Seeing a play or a drive-in movie

Traditions have a way of bringing people closer and reminding us what we love about our family. Maybe you will find something fun or relaxing you can do together that will become a tradition you share for years to come. 

Practice Gratitude

When I am struggling to understand someone I love, or to navigate a challenge in our relationship, it often helps me to think through what I am grateful for about them. Think about your relationship with your parents for a moment:

• Have there been times they supported you when you felt like no one else would or could help?
• Have they given you advice in a tough situation that helped you get through it?
• What have they taught you that you carry with you today?
• How can you see their love for you in the little things they say and do?

There are many ways we may not even realize that our parents, and how they raised us, have helped us become who we are. Finding a sense of gratitude for that whenever you can, and expressing that gratitude to them, can do a lot to strengthen your relationship as you come to terms with your differences.

Respect Boundaries

There are probably things you don’t talk about with everyone you’re friends with. Some friends are a great fit for talking about work or school pressures. Some are great for hashing out how you feel about life and the world around you. Your parents have those preferences, too. 

Respecting their boundaries if they don’t want to talk about complicated topics like social, political, or religious views with you, can actually make your bond stronger. Honoring boundaries is kind, respectful, and cultivates trust. And that’s a definite plus when you’re learning how to better relate to your parents.

Along with maintaining healthy boundaries, taking a break from difficult conversations can ease the tension in your relationship, and open the door to talk about and do other things. 

Don't Give Up

I know it’s daunting to have issues in a relationship that’s so important in your life. But don’t give up. Just because you don’t see things the same way now doesn’t mean you will always disagree. Tension doesn’t mean a relationship is ruined, and arguments don’t put things beyond repair. There is hope for a stronger, healthier, happier relationship with your parents, differences and all.

Do you have faith things will improve? If you’re open to thinking about God, remember to think about how He has made everyone unique, with their own views, their own strengths, and their own path to growth. When I need to think about my bond with others, remembering this gives me more hope for the future of my relationships with the people closest to me, even if we see the world in very different ways.

If you’re discouraged about where things are, you don’t have to deal with these difficult feelings alone. You can talk to a HopeCoach anytime to get answers to tough questions about parent relationships and figure out how to move forward with a greater sense of peace. We are here to listen and help without judgment, and I have faith things will continue looking up for you and your family. 

Let Go of Harmful Myths and Embrace Empowering Truths

We live in a world where we get a lot of messaging about who we should be, how we should live, and what we should look like. Sometimes that can drag us down emotionally and make us feel bad about ourselves. Other times, it can motivate us, but that motivation is often hollow or disheartening since it seems impossible to reach those standards. 

Recently, we received an email from someone who feels stuck in this frustrating struggle to be content despite constant messaging telling us we need to change. Here’s what they had to say.

“I love watching Netflix, scrolling through Instagram and TikTok, and I love connecting with my friends, but I think it brings me down sometimes. I’ve noticed lately that I’m never happy with myself. I feel like I’m obsessing over what I see in the mirror, and that I’m never happy with my size or how I look. I know there’s something missing in the way I’m thinking, but I feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.”

So many of us have been exactly where they are, right? Society pressures us to look, feel, and be perfect. And we often get no satisfaction from doing it the way movies, TV, and social media suggest. If anything, we feel worse and worse. 

If you’re struggling with these feelings, you’re not alone. You can probably think back and see how draining negative thoughts about your appearance have been on your self-esteem. But what can you do instead? Don’t worry. Things can change. There’s hope. 

Being confident in our self-worth is a daily decision, but it can be a difficult journey to get to that point where you are able to choose positive self-worth every day. Taking the time to unlearn toxic beauty myths helps us feel freer, more confident, and more ready to enjoy the life we have. It can break the cycle of harmful thoughts and behaviors that come when we slip into self-hatred. 

How to Not Obsess Over Appearance

1. Realize Perfect is a Myth 

The goal of magazines, certain shows, and advertising we see is to show us an image of “perfection”: an ideal, that we need to attain to be happy. And being happy in these mediums is usually tied to being a certain size, having a certain appearance, or having a certain amount of money. But here’s the thing. Perfect is a myth. Think about this:

• The person who hasn’t made a mistake, has never felt less than amazing, and has never wished things were better doesn’t exist and never has.
• All of us have made mistakes or wanted things to be better, because no one has ever been “perfect”. Even if you could reach your idea of perfection, that feeling would wear off as soon as your standards were raised, or as soon as your idea of “perfect” changed to something different. Getting stuck in that cycle can lead to losing perspective about what is truly important in life. Not to mention, we wouldn't be able to find anyone to relate to since no one in the world has a "perfect" life, no matter how they look or behave.
• The magazines, TV shows, and ads, are trying to sell us those images and ideals. They have their best interests in mind, not ours.
• Those images are also highly photoshopped, covered up, and manipulated to project an image in someone else’s gaze and perspective of what “their perfect” is. 

When we realize perfect doesn’t really exist, and that the images of perfect are empty false attempts to get us to spend our time and money, we can think deeper about how to find contentment where we are, and how to have a healthier opinion of ourselves.

Listen to this call I had with Linda who's struggling with body image issues. She views her body as imperfect, always puts herself down and thinks she's not good enough.

2. Let Go of Relentless Pressure to “Look Better”

Feeling good about how you look isn’t a bad thing at all. Neither is wanting to improve things about ourselves.  But the unhealthy fixation with what we see in the mirror is an example of how our focus on “better” can get off course. What if, instead, the focus was on:

• Feeling better physically?
• Taking care of our emotional needs?
• Being kinder to others? 
• Being more present in our relationships?

How would your life be different if you focused more on these pursuits? What can you do right now to adjust your focus?

3. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

For many of us, friends and family have an important role in shaping our interests, and the things we enjoy. But in the age of social media, the influence others have over us can get a little toxic, especially when we get stuck on comparing ourselves to them. The truth of the matter is:

• Social media is designed to show people the best, most “perfected” version of ourselves. People are typically not vulnerable in what they share.
• The result is a one-sided story that often makes us feel lacking. 
• Social media can also, unfortunately, be the source of a lot of bullying, especially around looks, appearance, and size. 

Of course, social media isn’t all bad. It can be a great way for friends to be supportive and encouraging. It can also be a way to find resources that uplift your spirit. 

But if you can tell you’re starting to get overwhelmed and intimidated by what you see, taking some time to unplug or unfollow can be healing to your mind, body, and spirit. 

4. Think About How Wonderful the Mind and Body Are

Have you ever taken time to learn about the mind and body? When you think about everything your brain, your lungs, and your heart do for you every day, your body is amazing. 
When I meditate on the intricacies of the human body and mind, I’m reminded of a Bible verse I read often, where the writer expresses gratitude to God for being “fearfully and wonderfully made”. If you’re open to thinking about God, hopefully you can find joy in the thought that you were created specially, in all your uniqueness, out of love. 

5. Treat Yourself Like a Friend Would Treat You

Think of your closest friends, the people who mean the most to you in your life. How do they think of you? Chances are, the physical “imperfections” you get stuck on aren’t what they focus on, or even notice. How would things be different if you treated yourself like a friend treats you?

• You would be focused on your strengths, not your weaknesses. 
• You would be more patient with yourself.
• You would see your inner beauty and come to appreciate the things that make you unique.

Of course, it’s not about pretending to be someone else. It’s as simple as, when you’re thinking something negative about yourself, shifting to a kinder view: and acknowledging that there’s truth in the good and beautiful things others see in you.

6. Surround Yourself with Accepting People

Speaking of friends, I’ve noticed something about the toughest times in my life, when I was struggling the most with my self-esteem. The more I surround myself with people who accept me and appreciate me, without pressuring me to be perfect, the more likely I am to realize that the most valuable pursuits in life have nothing to do with looking like someone from an ad. Of course, I didn't grow up with social media, but society has always advertised its own version of perfection.

And, though some things have changed, one thing is certain. True friends help us realize that we can care for ourselves in a variety of ways, and they are supportive and ready to listen. Your true friends are spending time with you because of who you are, not what you look like. That can be one of the most satisfying realizations in life; to have a group of people who truly care about you.
But sometimes, even with people in your life, you’re not sure who to talk to. It can feel intimidating to be vulnerable about your struggles, even with close friends. 

If you need extra support, TheHopeLine is here to help. Our HopeCoaches are trained to talk about self-image issues in a compassionate way, without judgment, that gives you practical suggestions on how to move forward. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about the negative messaging holding you back and get some ideas about how to focus on kinder, gentler truths about yourself.

Respecting yourself does not always come easily. Bothered by past mistakes and regrets can consume our thoughts. Learn to respect yourself more day by day with these 8 must-know tips. 

How to Have Fun and Feel More Fulfilled

If you’re anything like me, it’s easy to feel “stuck” in your daily routine. While having a routine is healthy and good for getting things done, it can also bring us down after a while.

I got a message the other day from someone whose routine was becoming more of a rut. Here’s what they had to say:
“I feel like I do the same thing every day. I know I can’t get out of doing what I have to do, but there’s more to me than my job and my classes. Yet I’m at a loss for what else to do. I’ve been going to work, coming home, and doing it all again the next day for so long, I’m starting to wonder how I’ll ever stop feeling ‘blah’.”

If you’re feeling stuck, or bogged down, by the daily grind, let me assure you, everyone who has to take on the responsibilities of adulthood has felt this way at one point or another. As much as we may be tempted to, we can’t just ignore our schoolwork, our job responsibilities, or our other responsibilities, and expect ourselves to feel better. 

Making new friends and trying new activities may just be the ticket to feeling more energized, more motivated, and more optimistic about the future. That’s because new friendships and new pursuits give us something to feel excited about, and something to look forward to. Here are some tips for how to branch out, make new friends, and try new things. 

How to Make New Friends and Try New Things

1. Think About What Brings You Joy

Figuring out what new things to try is often easier when we think back to what else we’ve enjoyed. Take a moment to think back through your life to your favorite memories, or to the last time in recent months you felt happy and energized.

When are you happiest? What were you doing at the times when you were the most joyful? You don’t have to do the exact same things to feel happy again (especially since you’re already looking for something new to do). But you can use those memories as a guide. By thinking through what made you happy in the past, you can plan to try new activities that use the same skills or bring up the same feelings. For example:

• If you were happiest when you were being creative, think of a new art or photography style you could try, or brainstorm some new ways to express your creativity.
• If you’ve been happiest in nature, make a plan to have a picnic in a park, take a hike in a nature reserve, or try stargazing on a clear night.
• If you love trying new food, find some recipes from your favorite style of cuisine you can try at home, or pick a new restaurant to order take-out from. 

The good news is, you don’t have to totally transform or undo your current routine to feel better, or to try something new. You can start small. What small changes can you start making to encourage creativity and relaxation in your daily life? Try one of those changes for a week and see how it makes you feel.

2. Ask Yourself: What Would I Like to Learn?

Is there anything you’ve always wanted to learn to do? There’s no time like the present to start doing them. If you’re on a budget, you can always check for scholarships for paid courses you want to take, since they often offer stipends or other financial assistance. Or there are plenty of high-quality, free instructional videos floating around online. 

Make a list of things you’d like to learn to do, or skills you’d like to get better at. What does your list look like? Perhaps it includes:

• Learning a new craft or art form
• Learning to play an instrument
• Picking up a foreign language
• Learning to bake or cook your favorite meal
• Trying a new exercise routine or learning a new sport

Whatever you can dream up, there are lots of free and low-cost ways to learn it, and many ways you can learn from home in a way that works for your own schedule. You can search for how-to videos, zoom classes, podcasts, and more where experts teach you how to develop your hobbies, sharpen your skills, and uncover new things in your areas of interest.

3. Find Groups or Meetups That Match Your Goals and Interests

Meeting new people can go hand-in-hand with trying new things, because there are always lots of people who want to learn something new. You can ask around at your school or workplace to see if anyone else has been wanting to explore the same interests you are. Or you can find an online group or forum where people dig deep into your favorite topics and hobbies. There are also on-line Bible studies or book clubs that can be really fun to participate in as well.

There are also online “meet up” groups that plan virtual and in-person meetings around shared interests. And there are many online classes, available via Zoom, YouTube, and other popular sites, where people can connect, learn together, and get to know one another.

You can try outdoor activities, too. There are many running, hiking, and climbing groups that seek time in nature as a way to be inspired and get to know new people.

4. Put Yourself Out There 

Making new friends and trying new things have something in common: both require us to put ourselves out there, to share parts of ourselves and our lives with others. I know that feels intimidating, but it can be very rewarding, and you can start small.
Whether it’s in a face-to-face conversation, on a video chat, on your blog, or in an online discussion, you can find safe and simple ways to share about yourself: 

• What You Want to Learn: Asking questions, or sharing what you’re looking to learn opens the door for others who share your interests to chime in.
• What You Enjoy or Find Interesting: Maybe you share a review of a favorite book or movie, or maybe you talk about a new recipe you just tried. Whatever way you feel comfortable, sharing what you’re interested in and enjoy with others opens the door for connections with new friends.
• What You Have to Offer: In some groups and conversations you’re in, people may ask for help and guidance. If you have a suggestion, offer it. If you’re passionate about helping others, you can volunteer to be a mentor or a group leader to offer guidance to new, younger members. It’s a great way to encourage others, and it may open the door to growing friendships over time, especially if you meet other mentors and volunteers who share similar interests.

Being yourself sounds like a great idea, and it is! But it can be hard to feel confident being yourself and putting yourself out there if you’re wondering what you have to offer. A lot of that difficulty stems from what we believe about ourselves, and why we’re here. In those moments in my life, it’s helpful to remember that my opinion of myself and what I have to offer is tied to my spiritual beliefs. 

When I remember that I was created with unique strengths and gifts, that helps me feel more confident sharing my interests and talents with others. I believe God created me with a purpose and using the gifts and talents He has given me are ways that I can help others. If you are open to thinking about God, it may be helpful to think about how he created you with totally unique gifts, and to know that sharing them with others is a great way to feel a stronger sense of friendship and connection. 

5. Set Some Goals

Goals can be a good motivator, especially when we share them with people, we trust to spur us on and encourage us along the way. Try setting goals within a given time frame. You can stretch yourself a little, but be sure your goals are something you believe you can achieve. For example:

• “I want to read 2 new books (or listen to 2 new audiobooks a month.”
• “I want to spend 20 minutes a day stretching or exercising: 10 in the morning, and 10 at night”.
• “I want to take one online cooking class this summer, and try at least one new recipe from it.”

The online or in-person communities you’ve joined to try new things can be a great place to share and refine your goals. Since you’re all learning together, people will likely give helpful advice on how to set goals, and how to set yourself up to achieve them more readily.

6. Get Support If You Need It

Trying new things and making new friends is exciting. But it can be intimidating, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve tried something new, or if you feel uncomfortable socializing.

Sometimes you need help knowing how to build confidence or move forward in a new friendship or with a new pursuit you’re interested in. Mentoring is a great way to think about where you are, and where you want to be, and mentors are trained to give you practical advice for how to grow, learn and progress. 

Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine today if you’re struggling to make new friends, or not sure where to start when trying new things. We’re here for you, and we’re ready to offer support.

Life can be difficult and uncertain, especially when faced with the prospect of change. Here are six steps to making any needed change in your life.

If You Are Being Bullied: What to Do

Did you know that 1 in 7 students in grades K-12 is either a bully or a victim of bullying? Or how about the fact that 90% of 4th - 8th graders report being victims of bullying. If you are being bullied, you're not alone.

Sometimes we're bullies to our own friends and don't even realize it. You have a group of friends, and everyone is mad at one for some reason and you ostracize that person from your group. You say mean things, you make them feel left out on purpose, you see them coming and make it a point to show them that you're ignoring them. A week or so later you all become friends again and are on to being mad at the next person. This is bullying.

The dictionary defines bullying as, "someone who keeps doing or saying things to have power over another person."

Listen to our call with Morgan who suffered deeply from being bullied in school. Now she's in college and has a huge desire to help others who are being bullied.

What is bullying?

Ways people bully are name-calling, saying/writing nasty things about another, making them feel left out of activities on purpose for malicious reasons, making a noticeable point to not talk to them, making someone feel uncomfortable or scared, taking/damaging their belongings, making people do something they don't want to do. Hitting, kicking, knocking things out of one's hands, pushing, shoving, etc. are also bullying.

There are a lot of reasons why someone bullies. They may see it as a way to be in control when many things in their world are spiraling out of control. Others may bully because they feel it makes them popular or they think others find it funny and they are trying to entertain. Some bullies bully because that's the only way they can get attention. It could also be because they are jealous of the person they're bullying. They may be getting bullied themselves and so they bully others that they perceive as weaker. Some bullies don't even understand that they're bullying or how the person they bully truly feels.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE BEING BULLIED

1. Do Not Fight Back!

It can be hard, and some may tell you to fight back, but it's never the answer. If you give in to a bully and fight back, you may get in trouble instead of the bully! Don't bully a bully, because in the end you become a bully yourself.

2. Tell the Bully to Stop and Calmly Walk Away.

Believe it or not, this can be very effective. Practice with a friend, an adult, or with yourself in a mirror on things you can say. Practice saying it in a firm and direct way with confidence in your voice. Believing in yourself and telling others what you think can earn you respect and encourage others to stand up for themselves as well.

3. Tell an Adult.

Many times, we fear telling someone because we don't want to look weak or feel embarrassed. It may be scary at first, but an adult can help stop bullying and make things better. If the person gets in trouble, that's their problem because it was their fault for bullying. Not yours!

4. Know It's Not Your Fault.

No one deserves to be bullied ever! No matter what is going on in your life, being bullied is not your fault. Either try to stop it with the above tips or with the help of an adult. Don't ignore the problem and hope it will go away. Bullies bully because they can. Make it so they can't.

5. Be STRONG!

Bullies like upsetting people because it makes them feel powerful. Be in control so that the bully isn't. Confidence and having good self-esteem will help, but even if you don't feel that way at the moment, acting as you do will help. Others can't tell how you're feeling or what's going on in your head unless you show them. Even faking confidence and acting like you aren't afraid will help the situation, and maybe next time you won't need to fake it. You may find that you're pretty good at handling bullies and are able to help others when the bully finds their next victim.

Listen to my call with Miles who was bullied in middle school to the point of suicide. Miles has a story to tell about overcoming bullying. He said if he could have seen his life the way it is now...he would have never thought about hurting himself.

We're all in this together, let's start acting like it. Always keep in mind, "If you don't have anything nice to say to someone, then don't say anything at all." And remember the golden rule: "Treat others the way you would want them to treat you."

What if we lived life above the norm in extreme love; not seeking revenge, not speaking badly of our enemies, and loved the bully? Find out how here.

Tell me what you have to say about bullying in the comments below. Tell me your thoughts, encouragement and advice for those being bullied, your personal story with bullying, and kind words to encourage someone to stop being a bully.

Finding New Ways to Be Fulfilled

When you feel rejected by people you care about, your self-esteem can take a big hit, especially if it’s a pattern in your life. Over the years, I’ve noticed people reach out to me again and again about some of the most painful types of rejection:

• Rejection from Friends: Being rejected by friends is so tough. Friendship is a chosen bond, and you share a lot of things with them you may not share with anyone else. 
• Rejection from Family: Family relationships, especially parent relationships, can be complicated and messy. If you’re feeling rejected by family members, I know that can be so disorienting. Many of us are raised to believe family comes first. Sadly, it doesn’t always turn out that way.
• Rejection in Relationships: Being rejected in a romantic relationship is one of the toughest things we can go through. If you’ve been rejected by your partner, you have a lot of questions and are probably feeling very fearful and uncertain about the future.

Whatever kind of rejection you’re dealing with right now, I’m here to do my best to encourage you. You can find hope and support. You can find a way forward that is happier than the place you’re in now. 

Get Clear on What Rejection Means to You

Rejection seems pretty straightforward on the surface. But it can happen in a lot of ways, big and small. Getting clear on what rejection means to you is difficult. It brings up tough feelings and often reminds us of difficult situations. But it can be a valuable way to understand where you’re starting on this journey toward healing your broken heart and feeling better.

• What does it mean to you to be rejected?
• What has happened in order for you to feel rejected? 
  • Did a friend turn you down in favor or spending time with someone else? 
  • Did your boyfriend or girlfriend break up with you? 
  • Did a parent or family member express disapproval or disappointment? 
• Is the pain you’re dealing with now from one big rejection, or a bunch of small ones?
• Is this the first time you’ve ever dealt with these feelings? 
  • If so, what do you think will help you heal?
  • If not, how did you get beyond such difficult feelings in the past?

Acknowledge What Hurts

It can be tempting to stuff our painful feelings of being rejected down inside ourselves. We might try to ignore them, so we can get back to feeling happy as soon as possible. Or we might try numbing them out with TV, food, drinking, or other things we do to self-soothe.
But the truth of the matter is, we have to acknowledge what hurts. Otherwise, it will just fester, turning into bitterness and resentment over time.
Beyond noticing you feel rejected, perhaps you’ve also struggled with feeling some of these things:

• Fear: You might be afraid that, since you’ve experienced this rejection, you will only ever experience rejection from here on out.
• Abandonment: You might feel abandoned by the person you used to consider yourself close to after they reject you.
• Betrayal: Rejection often brings feelings of betrayal, especially when it comes as a shock or is from someone particularly close to us.

I’m not bringing this up to make you feel worse. But mentioning and understanding our feelings makes them easier to manage, because we can ask for specific support, and we can move forward in a way that makes sense for our feelings and our situation.

Realize Things Will Be Different 

Things are going to be very different in the aftermath of rejection. Whether or not you decide to patch things up, your relationship with the person who hurt you will now feel much more distant. 

Knowing things will shift and change can help you adjust your expectations. You may not be able to go to that same person, or people close to that person, for the quality time and affirmation you need. That does not mean all hope is lost, but you’ll need a different approach.

Things never change only for the worst, though. There will be new growth and new joy in your life, even after a painful rejection from a friend, family member, or loved one. 

You may meet new people, build new relationships, make new friends, and get to know other family members better than you expected to. Any of those new experiences have the potential to bring lots of joy and fun to your life. 

Do Things You Enjoy

Your feelings of rejection might have been compounded by the feeling that this person took up a lot of space in your life and in your heart. Maybe in some ways, it seemed like your sense of happiness was connected to that person. 

Of course, nothing and no one can replace a unique relationship in your life. But there are ways to fill that “hole” the person who rejected you left behind.

Doing things, you enjoy and find meaningful is a great start. You can use this time to find what makes you happy and fulfilled, even when there’s no one around to share it with, Things like:

• Enjoying Nature 
• Journaling
• Reading the Bible
• Praying

Have brought me a lot of fulfillments during solitary times of my life. Of course, I still love to be around people special to me. But learning to be happy on my own and focusing on my relationship with God who never will reject me meant there was less pressure on the relationships in my life to always fulfill me and never let me down. 

Find Things to Look Forward To

Does this experience of rejection have you feeling stuck in the past? 

Perhaps it's the immediate past, where you’re replaying your last conversations before the rejection in your head over and over and wondering what you could have done differently. 

Or maybe you’re thinking back over the whole course of the relationship and wishing you could be back in those happier places and times.

Either way, that kind of thinking will leave you feeling emptier and more frustrated after a while. Instead of dwelling in the past, what can you look forward to about the future?

• Do you have anything exciting coming up at school or work?
• Is there a new friend you’re enjoying getting to know?
• Are you planning any road trips?
• Are you working on a new craft or creative project?

Looking forward to even small things can help us shift our perspective away from the past and make our feelings of rejection easier to manage.

Ground Yourself 

Finding ways to ground yourself can help keep you from getting carried away by painful feelings. You can do this in many different ways, either by yourself or with guidance from someone you trust. Here are some things that might help:

• Breathing Exercises: In moments when you are overwhelmed by the pain of rejection, take a few seconds to breathe in, hold your breath, and breathe out. This can help you calm the physical feelings of stress that come along with difficult feelings.
• Focusing on Gratitude: Remembering what and who you are grateful for, even if it’s just a few things, makes a big difference when you are trying to heal during a tough time. 

• Write down 5-10 things or people you’re grateful for on a notecard. Carry that card with you or put it somewhere you look every day. You may find that, with time, focusing on a few things that make us thankful every day makes the harder things in our lives easier to bear.
• Meditation or Prayer: Just taking time to think can be very helpful when processing feelings of rejection. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about God, but it helps me to think about how He loves me unconditionally. If you feel open to thinking about that, it could be a source of great comfort to you. 

Get Encouragement When and Where You Need It

I’ve learned a difficult truth from my years of working as a counselor. Not all parents, childhood friends, and partners are as supportive as we think they should be. Just because someone is family, or is dating you, or has been your friend for years, doesn’t mean they’re who you need to listen to for your self-worth, especially if they’ve hurt you this way.

If friends are constantly rejecting or bringing you down, then they aren’t being true friends. If a romantic relationship is negatively impacting you to this extent, then maybe it’s time to break up. And if some of your family relationships are becoming stressful, you don’t have to rely on them for affirmation or trust them to help you through a difficult time.

Who is someone you can still ask for support? Call them or send them a message to let them know you could use some encouragement. If you see a counselor, make an appointment to meet with them and talk things over.

You can also find affirmation by finding out what God says about you. You are beautiful, dearly loved, and created for a purpose.
Talking to a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine can be a great way to share your feelings with someone who will listen without judgment and give you suggestions for how to move forward. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you know I believe in you, and I believe things will get better.

Reconnecting with Your Sense of Purpose is Possible

Life can be hard. And we each have our own individual challenges and struggles to contend with. Can you relate to this message we received recently?

“I’m writing because I just don’t see the point in trying to be hopeful and look forward to new experiences in life. It doesn’t seem to matter what I try or how hard I work, there’s always something disappointing or discouraging on the news, or something frustrating in my personal life. I wish I could feel more inspired, and more connected with my purpose, but I don’t know what to do differently to get to that point.”

You’re definitely not alone if you’re struggling to find a sense of meaning in your life. I get it. I know how frustrating it is to feel like there’s nothing new to look forward to, and nothing meaningful you can do to make a difference.

But I have found inspiration in some unexpected places. Here are some simple things you can try to feel more inspired to be hopeful, reconnect with your purpose, and find a sense of meaning in your life.

How to Find Meaning

1. Start with Creativity

Many of the musicians, painters, writers, photographers, and chefs we admire got to where they are today because they found beauty and excitement in their chosen art form and thought, “Hey, I could do that”. When in doubt about where to turn for inspiration, start by spending time exploring art forms you think are particularly beautiful or interesting, just to see what jumps out:

• Do you like the sound of a favorite song? Maybe you can try learning that instrument.
• Is there a beat or sound that always jumps out at you? You can try making your own on a sound mixing or DJ app.
• Think about your favorite meals. What keeps you coming back to those restaurants, or watching those cooking shows? Is there a recipe you can try at home to build your cooking or baking skills?
• Are you mesmerized by dance or ballet? Think of what it would be like to learn a dance routine, or even to try exercise programs with dance-like, rhythmic movements.
• The next time you read your favorite book, think about why it’s your favorite. Can you place yourself in a similar story, or write something from your favorite character’s perspective?

2. Become a Problem Solver

Some of the most interesting turns our lives can take happen when we notice a problem and do what we can to solve it. For example:

• If you love dogs, you could find a whole new sense of purpose by volunteering for an animal shelter or fostering a pet.
• If you’ve ever experienced prejudice or discrimination, you might draw inspiration from the history of civil rights movements, and get to know a local organization who you identify and connect with.
• If you’ve noticed there’s not a lot of green space in your neighborhood, it might be fun to explore the idea of planting a community garden.

There are lots of possibilities when it comes to finding inspiration to become a problem solver. If you’re not sure where to start, try thinking back on your life up to this point:

• What are some problems or hang-ups you’ve had to overcome in your life? Did any of your growth inspire you to help others in tough situations?
• Who made a difference for you? Is there someone in your life or your neighborhood who could use a similar helping hand right now?

3. Change Your Scenery

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I realize that the reason I no longer feel inspired is that I’m stuck in a rut. If it feels like you’ve been seeing and doing the same thing every day, you may need a change of scenery.

Sure, you may not be able to take a lavish trip around the world. But even small changes in our routine and our surroundings can make a surprising difference when it comes to feeling inspired. Here are a few things you can try:

• Go for a drive. Getting in the car and hitting the road, even just for a ride around town or down some country roads, can be just the thing to shake off the blues. It’s also a great way to have some time alone with your thoughts, which can be a source of inspiration all its own.
• Walk around your neighborhood. Start taking daily walks around your neighborhood. Is there anything you notice along the way that reminds you of the beauty of nature, of a fun memory with friends, or of something fun you and your family tried together? Maybe you can take some pictures on your walk, or sit on a bench and journal about what comes to mind for you during these times.
• Try a new food. Trying a new dish or a new type of cuisine is a great way to shake up our routine and get ourselves inspired without having to travel far. Is there a type of international food near you you’ve always wanted to try? Maybe you could order takeout from that restaurant, then spend the evening watching a film or listening to music from that culture. You never know, you may find a favorite food, and a whole new set of interests.

4. Think About What Makes You Unique

Have you ever thought about what makes you unique? There’s only one you, after all. And taking time to think about what makes you unique can be a great way to feel more hopeful and inspired about ways you can bring your unique gifts and talents out in your own day-to-day life, and use them to uplift the people around you:

• What are you good at? What comes naturally to you? This could be a hobby, a skill, an artistic talent, or a personal strength.
  • How can you find joy in that gift or talent? What are some ways you can share that joy with the people in your life?

If you’ve got musical or singing chops, maybe you can share a video of your songs with friends. If you’re a talented writer, maybe you can send someone you care about a poem or a story. If you have a knack for making others feel better, you can send a few letters and cards every month to people in your life. Any of these steps can open up a new connection, can inspire you to try new things, or can help you form a sense of community around your interests

Thinking about what makes me unique is also helpful when I’m thinking about how my spiritual beliefs are connected to my sense of meaning.

Are you open to thinking about why you were created and put on this earth? If so, how does it make you feel to know that God gave you gifts, talents and skills all your own for you to develop and use to bring a sense of meaning to yourself and others.

5. Ask for Ideas

Sometimes getting an outside perspective is really helpful in our quest to feel more purposeful and inspired. Who do you look up to? Ask them what they do to lift their spirits, get out of a funk, and look at things in a new way.

If you feel like you’ve tried everything, we are here for you. A mentor can give you a whole new way of looking at your challenges, your routine, or your skills and talents, to help you feel more purposeful.

Talk to a Hope Coach today about finding meaning and unexpected inspiration to see what new ideas you can come up with together. We're here for you, and we are excited to learn about you and your unique talents.

Knowing how to feel better can be hard during tough times, but it can help to practice gratitude. Here are 5 ways to practice gratitude and feel better. 

Life is hard. And we each have our own individual challenges and struggles to contend with. Can you relate to this message we received recently?

How to Find Your Sense of Purpose

“I’m writing because I just don’t see the point in trying to be hopeful and look forward to new experiences in life. It doesn’t seem to matter what I try or how hard I work, there’s always something disappointing or discouraging on the news, or something frustrating in my personal life. I wish I could feel more inspired, and more connected with my purpose, but I don’t know what to do differently to get to that point.”

You’re definitely not alone if you’re struggling to find a sense of meaning in your life. I get it. I know how frustrating it is to feel like there’s nothing new to look forward to, and nothing meaningful you can do to make a difference.

But I have found inspiration in some unexpected places. Here are some simple things you can try to feel more inspired to be hopeful, reconnect with your purpose, and find a sense of meaning in your life

1. Start with Creativity

Many of the musicians, painters, writers, photographers, and chefs we admire got to where they are today because they found beauty and excitement in their chosen art form and thought, “Hey, I could do that”. When in doubt for where to turn for inspiration, start by spending time exploring art forms you think are particularly beautiful or interesting, just to see what jumps out:

• Do you like the sound of a favorite song? Maybe you can try learning that instrument.
• Is there a beat or sound that always jumps out at you? You can try making your own on a sound mixing or DJ app.
• Think about your favorite meals. What keeps you coming back to those restaurants, or watching those cooking shows? Is there a recipe you can try at home to build your cooking or baking skills?
• Are you mesmerized by dance or ballet? Think of what it would be like to learn a dance routine, or even to try exercise programs with dance-like, rhythmic movements.
• The next time you read your favorite book, think about why it’s your favorite. Can you place yourself in a similar story, or write something from your favorite character’s perspective?

2. Become a Problem Solver

Some of the most interesting turns our lives can take happen when we notice a problem and do what we can to solve it. For example:

• If you love dogs, you could find a whole new sense of purpose by volunteering for an animal shelter or fostering a pet.
• If you’ve ever experienced prejudice or discrimination, you might draw inspiration from the history of civil rights movements and get to know a local organization who you identify and connect with.
• If you’ve noticed there’s not a lot of green space in your neighborhood, it might be fun to explore the idea of planting a community garden.

There are lots of possibilities when it comes to finding inspiration to become a problem solver. If you’re not sure where to start, try thinking back on your life up to this point:

• What are some problems or hang-ups you’ve had to overcome in your life? Did any of your growth inspire you to help others in tough situations?
• Who made a difference for you? Is there someone in your life or your neighborhood who could use a similar helping hand right now?

3. Change Your Scenery

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I realize that the reason I no longer feel inspired is that I’m stuck in a rut. If it feels like you’ve been seeing and doing the same thing every day, you may need a change of scenery.

Sure, you may not be able to take a lavish trip around the world. But even small changes in our routine and our surroundings can make a surprising difference when it comes to feeling inspired. Here are a few things you can try:

• Go for a drive. Getting in the car and hitting the road, even just for a ride around town or down some country roads, can be just the thing to shake off the blues. It’s also a great way to have some time alone with your thoughts, which can be a source of inspiration all its own.
• Walk around your neighborhood. Start taking daily walks around your neighborhood. Is there anything you notice along the way that reminds you of the beauty of nature, of a fun memory with friends, or of something fun you and your family tried together? Maybe you can take some pictures on your walk, or sit on a bench and journal about what comes to mind for you during these times.
• Try a new food. Trying a new dish or a new type of cuisine is a great way to shake up our routine and get ourselves inspired without having to travel far. Is there a type of international food near you you’ve always wanted to try? Maybe you could order takeout from that restaurant, then spend the evening watching a film or listening to music from that culture. You never know, you may find a favorite food, and a whole new set of interests.

4. Think About What Makes You Unique

Have you ever thought about what makes you unique? There’s only one you, after all. And taking time to think about what makes you unique can be a great way to feel more hopeful and inspired about ways you can bring your unique gifts and talents out in your own day-to-day life, and use them to uplift the people around you:

• What are you good at? What comes naturally to you? This could be a hobby, a skill, an artistic talent, or a personal strength.
  • How can you find joy in that gift or talent? What are some ways you can share that joy with the people in your life?

If you’ve got musical or singing chops, maybe you can share a video of your songs with friends. If you’re a talented writer, maybe you can send someone you care about a poem or a story. If you have a knack for making others feel better, you can send a few letters and cards every month to people in your life. Any of these steps can open up a new connection, can inspire you to try new things, or can help you form a sense of community around your interests.

Thinking about what makes me unique is also helpful when I’m thinking about how my spiritual beliefs are connected to my sense of meaning.

Are you open to thinking about why you were created and put on this earth? If so, how does it make you feel to know that God gave you gifts, talents and skills all your own for you to develop and use to bring a sense of meaning to yourself and others.

5. Ask for Ideas

Sometimes getting an outside perspective is really helpful in our quest to feel more purposeful and inspired. Who do you look up to? Ask them what they do to lift their spirits, get out of a funk, and look at things in a new way.

If you feel like you’ve tried everything, we are here for you. A mentor can give you a whole new way of looking at your challenges, your routine, or your skills and talents, to help you feel more purposeful.

Talk to a Hope Coach today about finding meaning and unexpected inspiration to see what new ideas you can come up with together. We're here for you, and we are excited to learn about you and your unique talents.

Knowing how to feel better can be hard during tough times, but it can help to practice gratitude. Here are 5 ways to practice gratitude and feel better. 

She's Hearing Voices in the Night

Cinnamon is hearing voices in the night that she doesn’t understand and can’t explain. She explains, “Sometimes, I sit down. I’ll feel really calm, and I’ll start praying. And I feel I hear voices that call my name, “Cinnamon!” And I look around and there’s nothing there.”

She Feels Like She's Going Crazy

Cinnamon is a Christian but has some very creepy things happening to her. For instance, one night she went to bed very tired, but woke up abruptly and was wide awake. She saw a scary figure with glowing eyes and couldn’t move. Right after this happened, a girl in her ex-boyfriend’s family was murdered. She tried to talk to a friend about it, but her friend told her she was watching too much TV and needs to pray more. She also heard an audible voice that told her, “Get right with God!”

A Figure with Glowing Eyes

With the figure, I remember looking around in the room. It was dark, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the figure. I couldn’t pray. I feel ashamed to say that out loud. You know how when people are talking, you still have voices racing in your head. I was completely silent for the first time in my life. I was paralyzed and fixated on it. I remember once the light started coming out, it choked me.

To get to the heart of the matter, I asked Cinnamon some detailed questions:

Q: How are you doing now? Are you going to go to be afraid?
A: I’m a restless sleeper. I’m a very light sleeper because I’m afraid if I have a dream or something might happen when I go to bed. I’m afraid and I know I shouldn’t be.
Q: Do you live alone?
A: No, I live with my boyfriend and a roommate.
Q: So, you’re living with a guy?
A: Yes, two.
Q: Are you having sex with your boyfriend?
A: No.
Q: Do you sleep in the same bed?
A: No, we share the same house. He’s mainly working.
Q: So, he has his own bedroom?
A: Yes, he does. That might be part of a stronghold there.  This happened years before I met the guy I’m currently with now. We are planning on getting married and doing everything right by God.
Q: Is he a believer?
A: Yes, he definitely is a believer. He’s from Nigeria and they are really big on God and the gospel.
Q: When was the last time you had an attack like this?
A: About 3 years ago. I’m kind of sketchy about it. Sometimes, I sit down. I’ll feel really calm, and I’ll start praying. And I feel I hear voices that call my name, “Cinnamon!” And I look around and there’s nothing there. I feel like I’m going crazy. Is it like mental illness or what?

I would say this is spiritual warfare. It sounds like a spiritual attack from the evil one and his demonic followers. We need to clean your house out spiritually through prayer. And you need a plan of action when these things happen to you. Your Bible opens from verse to verse to verse and claim victory. Isaiah 53 would be outstanding.

Peer to Peer: Am I Going Crazy? Does This Happen to Other Christians?

Cinnamon wants to know if she’s going crazy and if this happens to other Christians. How can she deal with the figures and voices she’s hearing? Jesse, Michael, Kelsey, Melissa, Abbey, and David all called in to confirm to Cinnamon, she’s not going crazy, but it’s the devil attacking her. Each one of them also encouraged her on what to do about it.

It’s a Demonic Attack, The Devil Gets a Foothold Because of Sin – Jesse

Jesse – “Right now, I’m in a mental hospital. I’ve been here for 5 years this time. I got ahold of the book, The Bondage Breaker and that’s helped me immensely. I’ve got it right now in front of me. Some things it’s saying to me, is what the early church called demonic activity, we now understand to be mental illness. If I can, I’ll read just a little bit of it so you can get the gist. “Concerning the demonically disturbed Christian. This lady said, there’s no way his problem can be demonic. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic. And goes onto tell if primarily the devil and the secular psychology can’t figure it out, it’s because neither God nor the devil submit to their methods of investigation.” What I’ve learned from this is the devil gets a foothold in your life because of sin. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “Put all your thoughts into subjection to the obedience of Christ.” What’s going on is a demonic attack.”

Work on Anything in Your Life that Goes Against God - Michael

Michael – “It sounds like something a friend of mine has gone through recently. He had an experience where’ll he’ll see a figure and have paralysis. I can’t speak for sure what the situation might be for you, but for him, he said there was some strong major sin in his life. He believes, after talking with a religious leader at his local church, that this sin is what brought in this demonic activity.

As he continues to go to God asking for forgiveness, it’s been getting better. So, I don’t know your situation, but if there is anything powerful, that’s against God, then if you work on that, maybe this will go away.”

Put Your Armor On, and Clean Your House Out– Kelsey

Kelsey – “I actually struggled from the same unfortunate fate. All I have to tell her is she’s at war. She has to get on her armor. She has to fight. I used to see shadows in the night and those types of things, and it scared me. It could be because of sin; it could be a number of things. God can answer that for her through deep prayer…spending time with Him every morning. In my opinion, she needs to go through her house and say, “Nothing evil is allowed in my house! In the name of Jesus Christ, GET OUT!” And it has to leave, it can’t stay, because darkness fears Jesus.

Since she’s at war, she can’t be afraid, because being afraid isn’t stopping it. I’m also afraid of sleeping. I don’t know why but he [the enemy] really penetrates in my dreams, and it scares me because I’m afraid these things are going to happen in my daily life.

I started to take Gaba, which is an anxiety medicine. It’s at food health stores, and it’s not a prescription or anything, and it helps. Take it in the morning and it helps calm you down. I also take Melatonin at night.

I have been tested. I’m not schizophrenic. I thought I was because I was seeing these shadow things, but I’m not. Yes, these things can call out to you, but there’s a voice that’s a smidge higher if you allow it. It’s God’s voice, focus in on that voice. Focus in on feeling overwhelmed with God’s love, joy, and happiness. Think about anything that is good and happy in your life.  Don’t be afraid, get your armor on, clean your house out, and He’ll clean out your heart.”

We Cannot Shack, God Only Honors Marriage– Melissa

Melissa – “My husband and I got saved when we were about 24, married at 24. Prior to that, I was going through some of the same things. I experienced the demonic activity in my home as well. There were 4 of them that held me down, and I couldn’t speak.

Well, I had gotten saved several times, going back and forth to the alter and it’s as if the Lord was saying, you are not going to play with me anymore and therefore the attack came in. So, for her to be claiming she’s a Christian, there’s a gap there somewhere where she’s not following through on what the Lord wants her to do. As the previous caller said, you have to clean your house out, but you have to get it in order first. So, that she’s living with the boyfriend, that has to cease. We cannot shack, God only honors marriage. So, move to another apartment. You can date but living together is not holy matrimony in the eyes of the Lord. Then go back and repent. Ask the Lord to forgive you and begin your walk over.

The demon that came after me, stopped immediately as I decided I was going to do and live as the Lord wanted. And things began to fall into place, I got married, had a child, and then we were elevated in ministry.”

Repeat to Yourself: “I’m a child of God.” - Abbey

Abbey – “I used to have horrible nightmares and I would wake up and be paralyzed, and when I looked up, a black thing would come at me and get closer and closer. I couldn’t yell. I couldn’t move. There was nothing I could do. I was terrified to go to sleep.

At 3:00 am I would go to other places, go stay with family because I was scared to sleep alone. Since then, I sleep with a Bible every day. I was listening to a lot of things I shouldn’t have been. I’ve changed my life quite a bit since then. The only thing that ever got it to stop and move away from me, I would repeat over and over again in my head, “I’m a child of God. I believe in God.

I’m going to heaven.” Then it would stop. Since then, it’s stopped. I have no type of mental illness or nothing like that. I think it was things I was doing in my life that I needed to change. The closer I’ve gotten to God, the better my life has been.”

Make Sure You are Right with God - David

David – “First and foremost, I’d like to encourage her, that she’s not going crazy. Hold onto what the word says in the book of Romans 8:37 "In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

On top of that, if you are going to go into battle, read Ephesians 6:13-17. He gives you the armor to do the battle. He won’t send you into a war without giving you the tools.

"Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you will be able to stand your ground, and having done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness arrayed, and with your feet fitted with the readiness of the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

Particularly use the helmet of salvation. He paid the price. You have the salvation, and He protects you with that. There’s also the shield of faith. Let your faith be your shield. The Bible says the shield of faith can distinguish all the fiery darts of the evil one.

He’s throwing his darts at you, but remember your faith, remember your salvation in Jesus Christ. Remember that He loves you, that He died for you, that He took the beating, so you don’t have to. You do need to clean your house out spiritually. You do need to search your own heart, not for anyone else, but you need to make sure you are right with God. I guarantee you He loves you. I guarantee you; God will give you victory in this if you will be willing to stand up and hold fast to what he has for you.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

The Bible says there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality in our lives. So, Melissa got it right when she said, Cinnamon and her boyfriend shouldn’t be living together. Even if she’s not having sex with him, she’s giving the appearance of it, and that’s enough to get a stronghold going. The question for Cinnamon is will she obey or not obey God. She says she’s willing to!

A Few Additional Things to Do:

• When you sense this is happening, put on praise music. Demons hate praise music! So, find really powerful music that lifts up and praise the Lord.
• Every time you sense an attack – surrender your life to Christ.

What advice would you say to Cinnamon?

If you have been in a similar situation and/or have some wisdom to share…we’d love to hear from you. 

Resources for help with Spiritual Warfare:
Blog: Do Not Be Dismayed, God is With Us
Blog: Building Faith, How Prayer Helps Heartbreak
Blog: God Wants to Hear from You, How to Pray
Blog: 10 Reasons to Wait for Sex Until Marriage
Podcast: EP 42: How to Avoid Sexual Temptation as a Christian?
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

How to Find a Counselor Who Gets You

If you've gotten to a place in your life where you need extra support to face an obstacle, deal with a painful situation, cope with grief, or better understand your mental health, you've probably considered getting counseling. 

Working with a counselor is a great way to learn about yourself, grow toward your goals, and mature emotionally. But sometimes, finding the right counselor has challenges of its own. It reminds me of a message we got recently:

"I've been wanting to talk to a counselor about my anxiety, but there is an overwhelming amount of options. How do I narrow down my search? How do I know if I've found the right person to work with me?"

If you're facing this dilemma as you think about choosing a counselor, I get it. 

It can be hard to narrow your options down to one choice.

After 25 years of counseling people on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live,  I know a few things about connecting with people and pointing them toward healthy thinking. I’ve also referred many people on for long-term counseling and have been blessed to work with the best. Here are some qualities to look for that might be helpful during your search:

1. Special Expertise in Your Struggles

While all counselors receive similar training to become licensed to practice, there are many who have additional training and certifications around issues that need specialized support. 

If you're struggling with an eating disorder, for example, you can search for counselors who specialize in treating people in eating disorder recovery. Whereas, if you're trying to break free from substance abuse or other harmful addictive behaviors, it may be best to reach out to a recovery organization to see who they recommend. Does the counselor you're considering:

• Have experience working with clients who share your struggles?
• Have strong reviews?
• Focus on the treatment you want to receive?

If so, that makes them a strong contender to work with you.

2. Challenging Without Judging

No one wants to feel judged when they're in a counseling session. After all, you know you need support, and you want to make things better. So, no one should be making you feel ashamed or judged as they're working with you. But it's also important to work with a counselor that challenges you. 

It's tempting to work with someone just because they make you feel better, or because you walk out of the session convinced that you've got it right. But the truth is, you may need to be pushed to grow. And while that is a bit uncomfortable, the counselor who's the best fit for you will be able to challenge you without making you feel judged, called out, or attacked. Does the counselor you're considering:

• Make you feel like you can do better and be better?
• Have high expectations for your personal growth and life changes?
• Make plans with you for how to face challenges and obstacles on the way to your goals?

If so, they are likely to challenge you in a positive way, without making you feel overwhelmed or pushing you too hard.

3. Advice You Can Use

Have you ever gone to someone for advice, only to feel more frustrated or confused as a result? Maybe someone told you to "think about it differently" or "pick yourself up and keep going" but didn't show you how to actually do that. 

I know how frustrating that can be. Looking for a counselor who can give practical advice you can actually use to grow, change, and move forward is important. Does your prospective counselor:

• Help you understand why you feel the way you do?
• Show you how to work through difficult emotions in the moment with steps that are easy to remember?
• Give you things to try when you're not in a session to practice the skills you're working on developing? 

If so, they're giving you useful advice, and that can only help you in the long run.

4. Real Listening

Yes, all counselors have strong listening skills. It's necessary for them to take the time to listen in order to accurately understand what's going on.

But there will be some counselors you talk to who seem to especially understand and connect with you, while others don't seem to go much beyond the surface of how you're feeling. Does the counselor you're considering:

• Acknowledge how painful or frustrating the difficult situations you face are for you?
• Spend time making you feel like your emotions are valid and understandable?
• See the good in what you're doing?
• Focus on acknowledging how you're growing?

If you notice a sense of deep, empathic listening, and don't feel like they're only focused on what you need to change, that's a good indication you've found someone who is a good fit.

5. Hopeful Outlook

Sometimes, counselors and mental health professionals must focus on the difficult and painful things you’re going through. After all, you have to get a sense of what happened and how it affected you before you can work through it. 

But it's important that any counselor you work with doesn't make you feel stuck in "what's wrong" mode. Finding someone with a hopeful outlook is key because they can help you visualize things improving or changing in your life. Does the counselor you're considering:

• Seem hopeful about the future?
• Have a focus that is change and growth-oriented?
• Lift your spirits and generally make you feel better about yourself and your life?

If so, you should definitely consider working with them long-term.

6. Common Ground

As I’ve counseled people, I find it helpful when they really open up to me because we seem to have a common ground.  Maybe that means they're from the same area, or maybe they grew up with a similar background. Maybe it's important to you to find a counselor who shares your spiritual beliefs, or maybe you're looking to work with someone who is open to the fact that you're still trying to figure out what you believe about God. 

Finding common ground with your counselor, whether it's interests, personalities, or core values, is going to build trust. And trust makes it easier to open up. Does the counselor you hope to work with:

• Acknowledge what you have in common?
• Remind you of other people you respect and care about?
• Make you feel open to talking about God, or where you are on your spiritual journey?

If so, you can expect to go deep with them, which is always good when you're trying to make changes in your life.

I'm hopeful that these are some good signposts to point you in the right direction when it comes to finding a counselor to work with. But I know that it can still be intimidating, even if you've done the research and made a plan. 

If you need extra help, TheHopeLine is here for you. We offer mentoring from trained HopeCoaches who have experience helping people talk through what they're looking for in a counselor. And because we've partnered with many counselors and support organizations over the years, we can make some suggestions about where to go for the specialized support you need to face your specific challenges. 

It's understandable to feel unsure about which counselor to work with, but you don't have to do that work alone. We can help you feel more prepared and confident in making your choice. Talk to a HopeCoach today about what you're looking for in a counselor.

We're here to listen, and we hope to help you find a great fit for your needs.

Think you may have a mental illness, but not sure what to do? Read my blog about what you should do if you think you may have a mental illness.