A nationwide survey of high school students in the United States found that 16% of students reported seriously considering suicide. If you haven't thought about killing yourself, chances are you know someone who has. High school suicide is more common than most people realize. One study I read revealed that, within a typical high school classroom of 20 students, it is likely that three students have made a suicide attempt in the past year.

Think about that for a moment the next time you are in a classroom. Look around and realize that 3 people you see have felt overwhelmed and considered suicide as their only option out.

Jess has those very feelings: "I have considered suicide many times in my life. I am bipolar and when I get really depressed I want to kill myself. Life also becomes overwhelming with school and things going on at home."

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for 15-34 year-olds in the U.S.

On Saturday and Sunday nights, my radio show Dawson McAllister Live went for two hours. Sometimes just after the show, I'd say to myself, "While the show was going on, some teenager or young adult across America died by suicide." I am deeply grateful that my show and TheHopeLine have saved thousands of people from killing themselves. Yet I am still haunted by the many we could not reach.

If our resources on suicide can help one person turn away from taking their life, it will all be worth it. Maybe it will be Jess, or the person who emailed me anonymously: "I struggle with suicide. I just need some help." Or maybe that someone is you.

Here Are 10 Depression and Suicide Statistics

1. Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 77.9% of all suicides.

2. Females are more likely than males to have suicidal thoughts.

3. About 2/3 of people who complete suicide are depressed at the time of their deaths. Depression that is untreated, undiagnosed, or ineffectively treated is the number one cause of suicide.

4. People who have a dependence on alcohol or drugs in addition to being depressed are at greater risk for suicide.

5. Most suicidal people give definite warning signals of their suicidal intentions, but others are often unaware of the significance of these warnings or unsure of what to do about them.

6. Suicide is preventable. Most suicidal people desperately want to live; they are just unable to see alternatives to their problems.

7. Talking about suicide does not cause someone to become suicidal. It actually helps to talk about suicide, and the feelings and thoughts behind it.

8. Surviving family members not only suffer the loss of a loved one to suicide, but are also at higher risk of suicide and emotional problems.

9. People who are depressed and exhibit the following symptoms are at particular risk for suicide:

• Extreme hopelessness
• A lack of interest in activities that were previously pleasurable
• Heightened anxiety and/or panic attacks
• Global insomnia
• Talk about suicide or a prior history of attempts/acts
• Irritability and agitation

10. Peer support plays an important role in the treatment of mental and substance use disorders and holds the potential for helping those at risk for suicide.

We Can All Help

As Roselyn wrote: We need to find ways among ourselves to prevent suicide from happening, not just leave it to experts or therapists. She is right. Experts are needed, but most people turn to their friends for help first. That's why I wrote this blog on how to help a suicidal friend.

References:
Center for Disease Control 2015 Report
World Health Organization GHO(Global Health Observatory)
TN Suicide Prevention Network Facts About Suicide
National Strategy for Suicide Prevention (NSSP)

Making Connections Between Grief and Joy

Grieving is one of the most painful experiences we go through. Every experience of grief is different, because every relationship is different, and each loss affects every person in a unique way. But grief is universal, and so is the deep desire to move beyond the sadness of grief. Here's a message we recently received from someone who is grieving:

"I lost a friend of mine two years ago. It was unexpected, and I still haven't fully recovered. I cry almost every day, and I never seem to know when grief will hit me. I've tried talking to some friends about it. But they only make me feel worse. They say things like 'Everything happens for a reason', but there's no good reason I feel this way. I don't know if I will ever be happy again."

I can certainly relate to how this person feels, and how you're feeling now. Even though we aren't grieving the same loss, I know how frustrating it is to hear unhelpful advice when you're coping with the profound sorrow of losing a loved one. Loss like that is not reasonable or rational, and we won't make sense of much of the loss we experience, no matter how hard we try. I know it often feels like you will never stop feeling sad, but you can move forward and it’s ok if it takes time.

In some ways, we don't get over our grieving. What we lost can't come back into our lives, even though we wish things would go back to the way they used to be. So, it’s completely understandable that there may always be a feeling of sadness when you remember what you have lost. But grief is not a static feeling. It changes as we change. So, there will be times of deep sadness.

But as your grief shifts and changes, you'll find sadness mingles with joy, gratitude, and other "brighter" emotions. I know it sounds odd to hear that there are bright sides to grief, but there are ways to shift your outlook to a more hopeful and less despairing one as you learn and cope. 

Grieving is Part of Love 

Love is a joyful emotion, and it is tied to our grieving after a loss. I love the way author Anne Lamott describes the connection between grief and love, and how we can strike a balance between the many emotions we have when we grieve:

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." - Anne Lamott (Source: Wikipedia)

When you think about what you have lost, it allows you to still live with a memory of what you had when they were physically present. I always tell stories of beloved friends and family who have died, and when I do, it often brings a smile to my face. Not because I'm not also sad when I think of them, and certainly not because I forgot to think of them. I smile because I am constantly reminded how strong our bond remains even though they're gone, and that comforts me. Noticing how much I think of them is a reminder of how much we loved one another. My sadness doesn't go away, but it is no longer the only emotion I feel. Try thinking about your loved one and ask yourself some questions:

• What did you love most about them?
• What is a story about them that makes you laugh?
• What is something you see that reminds you of the things they enjoyed, hobbies they had, or times you shared?

In exploring these questions, pay attention to how your feelings change. As you practice this for a few minutes each day, you may start to notice your heart doesn't only feel heavy and sad. You may feel a sense of brightness and "lightness" that makes your feelings of sadness less overwhelming.

After losing someone, there have been times when I’ve laughed at a joke, appreciated a moment, or enjoyed a conversation with a friend, only to be hit by a sense of guilt afterward. I felt bad for feeling happy, as if being happy or enjoying something is a betrayal of the loved one, I lost. But the truth is, we're allowed to be happy when we grieve. Writer Julie Vick says this about feeling happy during a time of grief:

“I have found this practice of not pushing aside difficult moments but being open to both joy and pain at the same time a helpful thought process in many situations. When dealing with tough times, negative feelings can often be all-consuming, so I’ve started to look for whatever small shimmers of light I can find." (Source: Headspace) 

Here are a few ways you might find ‘shimmers of joy”:

• Going Outside: Is there somewhere peaceful or relaxing you can walk or sit to admire nature? Natural beauty is often a source of calm and tranquility, even when we're feeling sad. Sometimes we used to go to these places with loved ones. Sometimes not. Depending on how you’re feeling, you may want to sit where you used to sit with them. If that’s too much, find a new place to enjoy on the days you can’t bear to go to places that remind you too much of them.
• Making Art: Making art can be relaxing, it can be a great way to process difficult feelings, and it can remind you of activities, colors, and art forms you enjoy. Even if you’re not an artist or a musician, it can still be fun and helpful to distract yourself with something new for a little bit. You could even create something to honor your loved one that makes you feel more aware of your connection to them and keeps them present in your life.
• Cooking a Favorite Meal: Cooking or eating a favorite meal can be just the thing to make you feel better after a tough day of grieving. 

Don't Be Afraid to Talk About It 

It might seem like talking about what you lost would just make things more difficult but rediscovering hope and finding joy may come easier when talking to your loved ones about what you’re dealing with. Here are some suggestions for how to have these conversations:

• Find Friends You Can Talk To: If your friends have offered support during your grief or asked how they can help, find times to talk with them about your loved one. They don't have to be happy stories. Just start from where you are and get in the habit of expressing the many feelings you'll experience when you grieve. 
• Write Your Story: Writing about your grief is a great way to come to terms with a wide range of emotions. Think of it as telling a story. Whether you blog, keep a private journal, or share it in a support group, writing about your grief is telling a story about you, a story about what you lost, a story about your relationship, and a story about how you will continue to grow and learn as a result of having known the loved one you lost.  
• Think about what your loved one taught you: Mother Theresa once said, “Some people come into your life as blessings. Some come into your life as lessons.” There’s a lot of truth in that. Even if I don’t know what to make of the loss itself, thinking about what I’ve learned from friends and loved ones I’ve lost can help me feel gratitude for them. 

Remembering what we learn from others is also a good reminder that we were all created with a purpose, and that we can make loved ones we’ve lost a part of living that purpose by carrying their lessons through life with who we are.

• Nurture Your Spirit: It may seem like your loved one is “right there”, even though they have passed away. There may be moments when you have a feeling of comfort you can’t explain, or when you get a sense that someone or something is helping you through this really challenging time. There is a spiritual side to loss. Thinking about your spiritual beliefs is a way to better understand how your grief is affecting you. It can also be a way to feel more connected to your loved one. If you’re open to thinking of God as watching over both of you, you can try asking God for comfort and peace during a trying season of grief.
• Find a Mentor: It’s really important to remember that, even if there are days where grief feels less overwhelming, there will be other times when it will become seemingly unbearable. It may come out of nowhere, or it may result in new emotions you’ve never felt about the person or situation before. In times like these, it’s a good idea to reach out to someone with experience guiding people through the complex and surprising feelings that come with grief.

TheHopeLine is here for you, no matter where you are in the grieving process. Our HopeCoaches are trained to talk through grief without judgment, and to help you find hope in even the most difficult times. Healing during grief is possible, one day at a time. Talk to a mentor today about your grief recovery journey and get some support to help you face the days ahead. We are here for you. 

We also have a partner, GriefShare, who is a caring support group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences.

How to Talk About Self-Harm Without Judgment

You’re close to your loved ones, and if you think something is wrong, it’s good to trust your instincts and talk to them about ways you can help.

If you’ve noticed marks on their body, that they try to cover up or ignore those marks, and that the marks continue to appear over time, you have good reason to be concerned that your loved one may be self-harming.

Talking to a loved one about cutting or other self-harm can feel scary and overwhelming, but there are ways to have this tough conversation clearly, calmly, and without judgment. 

Understand Why Your Loved One is Self-Harming

It’s helpful, before approaching your friend or family member, to better understand why self-harm happens. It’s an unhealthy way to cope with pain, trauma, or mental illness. Understanding the most common reasons for self-harm will help you feel more prepared. 
Here are a few of the most likely reasons behind your loved one’s self-harm:

• Desire to “release” pent-up pain
• Wanting to break through a feeling of being “numbed out”
• Need for a feeling of control over their lives
• Signaling for help when they don’t know how to ask for help in other ways

Your friend may also feel like they have to hurt or “punish themselves” due to the deep-rooted shame and guilt they feel. That’s why it’s important to focus on having this conversation from a place of care rather than criticism or judgment. 
Once you feel ready, here are some things to keep in mind when reaching out to your friend.

Choose a Time and Setting That Works for Both of You

There will be some discomfort no matter what, but having the conversation at a time, and in a place, where you both feel comfortable, and calm is key to it feeling less upsetting for both of you. If you’re not able to be together in person, try video calling, so you can still have a “face-to-face” chat. 

Set a time when you know your friend is not likely to already feel overwhelmed, stressed, or tired. And talk about things you would normally talk about before jumping right into the most difficult parts of the conversation.

Tell Them About Your Concerns

There’s not one right way to tell your friend that you’re concerned about their possible self-harm. Here are two ways that might work:

• “It seems like you’ve been hurting a lot lately, would you like to talk to me about it?”
• “I’ve noticed several marks on your arms and wrists. I care about you, so that worries me. Do you want to talk about it?”

If they acknowledge they self-harm, you can ask them why they get that urge, or what caused them to start, out of care for them and a desire for understanding. They may not want to talk about it right away, but it’s good to let them know you’re there to support them when they are ready to talk.

Offer Support

You are already supporting your loved one by reaching out and offering a listening ear. You are likely a reminder in their life of how much God loves them, and how there is always hope for healing and growth.

But it’s important to remember that you won’t be able to help them find healing after self-harm alone. See if it’s okay with them if you help them find more specialized support. There are lots of organizations with experience in guiding people through recovery from self-harm, led by people who care deeply and would be able to help your friend find the appropriate treatment. 

And make sure you have support yourself, so you can support your friend without feeling drained, exhausted, or overwhelmed. TheHopeline offers mentoring and other resources for people working their way through messy, painful conversations and issues. Talk to a Hope Coach today about your life, your loved one, and how you can get the help you need so you can be there for people you love. We are here for you, and we’ll get through this together.

We have a partner resource for you and your loved one called, Door of Hope.  They provide emotional support, guidance and resources for young adults who struggle with self-injury. You can call, text, or email a recovery coach to start breaking free from self-harm today!

I know it's tough. Your pain is real and sometimes suffocating.

So why say no to suicide?

What if there is a way for you to keep facing life? Are you willing to keep trying? I understand that there isn't anything simple about this, but if one of these ideas helps you find a reason to live, it's worth it.

https://youtu.be/CRlhM5pPIB4?si=gC7iPydBHsKC0bVH

Here are 4 reasons to keep working at LIFE:

1. Do you know for certain what the future holds? What if you miss out on something GREAT?

If you can work through your pain at this moment in time, you might very likely find that on the other side awaits a life full of great experiences and meaningful relationships that you can't even imagine right now.

Life is filled with the potential to get better, deeper, richer, and more fulfilling.

You may very well find meaningful work, and possibly get married and have children. You can begin now writing a really great legacy you'll leave behind—of a person who is a survivor, an overcomer.

Perhaps you are a high school student who is being bullied and doesn’t fit in. You feel alone, awkward, and depressed. Quite honestly, there are very few of us who get through high school feeling cool. It is one rare mix of personality, talents, and looks that finds high school a breeze. For most, it’s a challenge, and the overwhelming feelings many experiences are one of the main causes of high school suicide. But take courage. Remember that these circumstances, and these struggles, won't last. Once you are out of high school and maybe onto college, you will very likely find your people. People who “get” you. Don’t miss out on developing these cool friendships because high school sucks.

Or perhaps you’ve experienced something traumatic…abuse, rape, death, and it’s hard to pick up and go on. I’m sorry this has happened to you; I know it is hard. But I also know that suicide is preventable with support, and you can overcome your struggles to lead a fuller life. Just like Mariah - I shared her video on my Guest Blog. Click the link to check it out. She was bullied, raped, depressed and attempted suicide, but survived. She has since graduated from college, gotten married, and is loving life. What if her attempt had succeeded?

Be the bold one who fights through your pain and stands up to the challenges of life with grace, confidence, and joy.

2. Someone DOES care.

I know you may feel completely alone, but there are people to talk to. On this point, I feel I must challenge the wrong thought patterns of someone who is suicidal.  There IS someone who cares. You just might need to seek them out.

First of all, I care! I wouldn't have done the work I've done for the last 40 years if I didn't care. Second, ALL the staff at TheHopeLine care. Many of our Hope Coaches have experienced pain, too, and that's why they want to chat with you or, if they aren't available, sign up for an e-mail mentor. Get Help!! 

And there are many more places you can go where people will care. It's important for you to look for these places, so that you can talk about your pain. Walk into a local church and talk with a pastor. Or find a counseling center and talk with a counselor. There are many free counseling options if you look for them. And if you have family or if you are living at home. PLEASE talk to your parents.

John said it well:  Whatever the problem may be, just talking about it, can be the greatest help we can get. Just knowing that you aren't alone, and that it has, and can be overcome, is a wonderful reassurance. Just discuss your problems with someone you can trust. I guarantee you the results will speak louder than any gun ever will.

As you work through your struggles, write down your thoughts. Write down your hopes for the future and the people you value in life. Read these to remind yourself that life is important. Keep track of positive things other people say about you, and the good they see in you rather than the negative

3. You can help others and perhaps save someone's life.

There are people all around you who are struggling too. Sometimes taking our eyes off of ourselves for a little bit, allows us to see others who are in pain as well. Perhaps at this moment you need to work on your own healing, but in time, you could be that person that helps others. Perhaps someday you will be able to share your story of how you bravely fought your battle and lived to talk about it and use it to inspire others to hang on.

Brianna wrote:  I just want everyone to know that I have been there and life isn't easy, but death will only make everything more complicated. Everyone has rough patches in life but you just have to push through and soon enough you will come out the other side a new person and you will feel amazing.

One day you might need a helping hand, the next day, you can be the hand reaching down to help pick up someone else.

4. God loves you. I saved the best reason to keep living for last! I believe this reason applies to everyone. God made you and He has a great plan for your life whether you see it now or not. God never promised life wouldn't be hard, but He did promise He would be with you in whatever it is you're going through. It's never His desire that you kill yourself. Don't make yourself out to be the judge, jury, the accused, and the executioner.  It's God's decision when you live and die, not yours.

Mark wrote:  I used to be suicidal, and for the most part it comes right down to having hope and knowing you are loved. Hope is what will give you the strength to make it through until things get better.

What Does the Bible Say About Suicide?

God created you because He wanted you to live a rich and meaningful life. Even though life can seem unbearable at times, with God on your side, there is always a reason for hope. But we can’t do it alone. If you're struggling with thoughts of suicide, prayer can help you find a greater sense of peace and hope.

Don't Give Up

Please don't rob yourself of tomorrow, when tomorrow could be the greatest time of your life. Live today and give tomorrow a chance. If you do that every day, you will live a life of love, hope, and courage. Anyone can quit on life, but life was never designed to be quit on. So don't give up, no matter what! Don't give up!

How to Keep a Hopeful Outlook When Life is Tough

When things are going well, it's easy to believe the future will go well, too. But when life takes a turn for the worse, things get harder. In those times, hopelessness can creep in. If we don’t notice when despair shows up, or if we don’t work to stop feeling hopeless, these feelings can seem to consume us over time.

There have been times my feelings of hopelessness were so strong, I forgot there was ever hope to begin with.

Is this how you’re feeling during this season of your life? If so, maybe you can relate to this person who reached out to TheHopeLine:

“I’m so tired of people telling me everything happens for a reason. My job had to cut back my hours. My best friend and I have been arguing more. And I don’t feel like I can talk to my parents about my intense depression and suicidal thoughts, because I don’t want to worry them. I don’t know how to feel better about my life when I feel like I’ve never had it as hard as I do now.”
I understand how they’re feeling. And how you’re feeling, too. It is very difficult to find hope sometimes. It’s even harder when people around you are stressed, too. Sometimes, none of the advice you’re getting seems helpful.

But when I think about where hopelessness leads, finding a way to be hopeful is worth it.
Here’s why:

• I’ve realized that when I get into a habit of focusing on hopelessness, it sends me into a tailspin.
• That feeling of a “downward spiral” makes it hard for me to recognize the good in my life, in my relationships, and in the world around me.
• I don’t want to go back to that place in my mind. I want to make the most of the life I’ve been given. So, I work on finding my way back to hope and peace of mind. The more I search for hope and get the support I need to feel better about my future, the more hope becomes my new habit.

I’ve been through this process many times over the course of my life. And, while it’s not easy to commit to being hopeful, it’s made me a stronger person. Many times, I was able to keep going because I knew I had guidance through the tough times. And now, I’m here for you. Here are some lessons I’ve learned about how to be more hopeful, and what to do to shift my thinking towards a habit of hope.

How to Find Hope in Struggles: You Can Stop the Spiral

As I mentioned, one of the biggest reasons to work on feelings of hopelessness is that, if we don’t work against them, it could feel like we’re on a downward spiral. For example:

• If you feel hopeless about your friendships and relationships, you might isolate yourself, which is even harder on your mental health.
• If you feel shame about the mistakes you’ve made, you might feel hopeless that you can grow. You might try to numb this pain with drugs, alcohol, or other harmful addictive behaviors (like cutting or self-harm).
• If you struggle with anxiety, anger, or deep depression, but never turn to someone for help finding a more hopeful outlook, you might end up struggling with suicidal ideations.

I know how hard these feelings can be. And I get that it feels like you’re stuck.

But here’s the good news. You can get “unstuck”. Even if you feel like you’ve already started off on a path you’ll regret, you can stop the spiral. You can break the cycle of hopelessness. You can take steps to stop feeling miserable and start feeling hopeful about your life. You’ve found a community of people who can help you, and you can start getting help right now.

You Can Change Your Outlook

Hopelessness brings with it a powerful myth: things will never change for the better. It feels true because, if we’re sad or overwhelmed about one situation after another, we forget to even look out for the happiness that life can still bring.
But looking at your own experiences busts this myth. There’s a much more hopeful truth: you can change your outlook, because change happens all the time

• Think back to who you were as a child. Think about all the ways you’ve grown and all the things you’ve learned since then.
• Think of ways you feel differently about yourself and your life from this time last year.
• Remember you have made it through every bad day or time so far, and you can do the same this time around.

You are not the same person you were a year ago, or even a month ago! You have changed so much over the course of your life. You have made new decisions, tried new things, and gone new directions, even when it wasn’t easy.

If life can change as much as it does, and if we know we don’t stay the same as people, then we can ditch the harmful myth that we’re stuck where we are and find hope in the truth: we can change our outlook to a more hopeful one, and we can find ways to lift our spirits.

You Can Think of Life as a Journey

Certainly, there are things that happen in life, good and bad, that were not a result of our planning, or that are beyond our control. But life isn’t just something that “happens to us”, about which we can never do anything. We are on more of a journey through our life than we realize in the tougher times.

• How does your mindset change when you realize that you have the power to make choices about your life, your feelings, and your outlook?
• When you think of life as a journey, can you imagine where you’d like your life to go?

When you are able to imagine a good, peaceful place, or a new, exciting adventure, hang on to that. You are starting to rediscover your sense of hope and finding purpose.

You Can Document Your Journey

One of the ways I’ve found it easier to remember my hope is to think back to times when I was feeling hopeful and optimistic. If I had hope in the past, I know I can rebuild and regain my hope for the present, or the future. But it’s hard to remember hopeful times when fear and hopelessness demand so much space in our mind, and so much energy from our bodies.

That’s why documenting our journey back to hope is so important. When I journal, I try to write down at least one thing I enjoyed about my day, one thing I am grateful for, or one thing I was proud of. Whatever good I can find on that day, I make note of it along with the tough stuff. Later, when I’m wondering how to get unstuck from a tough time, I have a way to look back over what I learned when things were tough before. It makes it easier to see how I’ve grown, what made me happier when I was sad, and how far I’ve come over time.

There are a few ways you can keep track of your journey:

• Keeping a private journal: This is one of the easiest ways to start reminding yourself you’re on a path, and you can make progress. You can include how you’re feeling each day, as well as making an effort to list 3-5 things you’re grateful for, or looking forward to.
• Blogging or video blogging: If it’s intimidating to share with all your social media followers, you can adjust your privacy settings to share with individuals or smaller groups
• Sharing your thoughts in an online community: There are lots of online communities that are specific to the struggles you’re facing, and it could be a good way to hold yourself accountable to the work you need to do. Not to mention it could be a helpful reminder that you’re not alone.

You Can Set Goals

When we are going through a happy time, we are excited about what lies ahead. That feeling of “there’s something ahead of me that I look forward to”, or “I am curious and excited about what this will turn out to be” is part of our sense of hope.

Along with journaling and remembering we can change our mindset; we can also set goals to work toward. Knowing we are working on something and celebrating little wins along the way can help us reconnect with those hopeful feelings. This could look like:

• Health goals: I will drink 6 glasses of water a day and track how I feel.
• Hobby goals: I will spend an hour each evening working on a 1000-piece puzzle.
• Relationship Goals: I will check in with a friend or family member once a week to see how they’re doing.

Goals of any kind give us a sense of purpose. Knowing we have something to accomplish, even if it’s small, reminds us that we were created with a purpose. The good news? That purpose is still a part of us, no matter what’s going on around us. And we can always reconnect with it.

You Can Learn from Others

When we aren’t sure how to regain our hope, looking to others can be very helpful:
● Stories of people we admire can show us how they got through hopeless seasons of their lives
● Talking to loved ones can show us there is someone who believes in us
● Researching how to change and grow can give us new ideas we hadn’t considered before.
● Seeking mentoring can get us extra support from someone trained to help us through difficult situations.
If you’re ready to get back to the hope you had during better times, there’s good news. You can start on that journey right now. TheHopeLine offers mentoring from Hope Coaches, who are trained to help people rediscover their sense of hope. Talk to a Hope Coach today about why you’re feeling hopeless, and what you can do to work on turning things around. We are here for you and ready to offer support.

Life can be hard, and hope can be hard to find. If you have ever wondered, how can I find the hope to keep going, this is a must-read. 

Guard Your Heart Against Self-Hatred

I have talked about guarding your heart in dating relationships and now I want to talk about how to protect your heart from your own negative self-talk.  How can you guard your heart from bitterness and the lies that you tell yourself, which the world has convinced you are true?

The main principle to guarding your heart

Fill your heart with TRUTH and believe the TRUTH when the world tries to tell you LIES.

LIE - There is nothing good in my life. I have every right to be bitter. Everyone is against me.

Here is the truth: Life can be hard, but there is always something to be thankful for, and it is our choice whether we decide to look for the good around us or remain bitter. It is possible to train our minds to move from thoughts of despair to thoughts of gratitude. Start small...I am thankful for the warmth of the sun on my face, the feel of grass under my toes, the smell of coffee brewing, my comfy sweats, the ability to breathe deep, the joy of a good book or movie, etc.

By believing this truth...that there is always something you can be thankful for...your heart will be protected from the trap of overwhelming bitterness that leads to despair and hopelessness. In fact, I read a study where participants interrupted their moments of anxiety by giving thanks, and after two weeks of giving thanks, they had a 53% decrease in their stress!

Changed Thoughts = Changed Attitude

If research shows that practicing gratitude INCREASES happiness, optimism, and satisfaction with your life, isn't it worth a try?

In one study, they asked some of the participants to maintain a journal recording things for which they were grateful and a separate group of participants to record things they found annoying. When the results came back, they found that participants in the group monitoring things for which they were grateful had higher levels of well-being than the others.

It makes sense. Whatever you wire your brain to focus on, is what you are going to feel.  Grateful people shift their focus from pain and problems to the good.

Personal Experiences of Choosing Gratitude

I speak from experience on this idea of choosing gratitude over bitterness.  After my son Fulton's accident that left him paralyzed on his right side, unable to talk, and living in a nursing home, I could have chosen a life of bitterness and hung out there forever. And I'll admit, there were days early on that I did.  But then I started looking for the good...his nurses were amazing and loved him, we were able to communicate with thumbs up and down and have meaningful conversations, Fulton's story started changing other people's lives and the list goes on.

I believe that God tells us often in the Bible to give thanks because He knows that a thankful heart is a happy heart.  The Bible says, always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances.

If you are struggling with self-talk that leads you to hate yourself, please read my blogs on "5 Things to Think and Do When You Hate Yourself" and "What to Do When You Hate Yourself."

Dating Advice

The world we live in sometimes makes dating sound a lot easier and more straight-forward than it turns out to be.

Just about every online dating platform out there makes the whole process seem very simple. Just login to this app, make a profile, send a few messages, and boom, you're in a relationship. Even in-person dating advice can make it seem like if you just meet the person who checks the right boxes on your list, then everything should work out, after all, you have so much in common, right?

But by now, you've probably realized something isn't working, but you can't figure out what it is. You might feel like Ben, who shared this in a message to us a few weeks ago:

"I can't figure out what's going wrong in my dating life. I've tried getting to know several girls that I've found interesting or attractive, and it either fizzles out after a few dates, or never gets going in the dating direction. These girls seem like my type, but it never works over an extended period of time. Where am I messing up?"

If you feel this way right now, your frustration is totally understandable. It can be hard to know what to do if you feel like you've done everything you think you're supposed to. But there's something else you can try dating outside the box.

Here are some ideas for how to think differently about dating decisions that might make it easier to move forward when getting to know someone new.

Re-Think Your Type

Sometimes it seems like everyone has "a type" when it comes to dating and relationships.

Maybe you like to date artists or musicians. Maybe you want to be with someone who shares your interest in a hobby or sport. Or maybe there are certain physical characteristics that catch your eye every time.

None of that is bad or wrong on its own. We all have preferences! But sometimes we get so hung up on what we think we want, or so stuck on a very specific set of “must-haves”, that we might be missing a wonderful person who doesn't have all the characteristics of "our type".

Here are two suggestions for rethinking "your type":

• If “your type” only has certain interests, think about why those interests are important to you and broaden your ideas based on that. For example, if you like the idea of dating an artist or musician, but it hasn't worked out in the past, think about expanding your horizons to dating someone creative. That could open more doors, while still helping you find someone, you're interested in.
• If what defines your type is mainly physical traits, try focusing on character traits and moving those up the priority list. If you focus all your energy on whether someone is tall, or whether they have blue eyes, you may be missing red flags in their character or personality.

Rethink the "Friend Zone"

The "friend zone" is the idea that you can only ever be friends with someone. Because friendships feel safe, you may be tempted to force a relationship to stay in the friend zone out of fear that dating will mess things up.

But some of the strongest relationships out there, including many marriages, started as friendships. While there is no 100% guarantee that any relationship will work, relationships that begin as friendships can often work because:

• You know enough about each other to know how you respond to challenges and frustrations
• You enjoy being around one another and are comfortable enough to be yourself with each other
• You have common interests or enjoy many of the same things
• You've likely stuck with each other through difficult times and worked through conflicts

It's worth thinking about some of your strongest friendships. If you have a healthy friendship with someone you admire, it may be worth considering exploring a dating relationship with them.

Think About Why You're Dating

People date for different reasons. Sure, it's fun to get to know people with whom we feel a sense of chemistry, connection, or attraction. But sometimes, our reasons for dating someone don't go deep enough, and the results are disappointing.

For example, if you find yourself dating for "casual" connections or hook-ups that are purely based on physical chemistry and attraction, you might have discovered that those connections only end up disappointing you in the end. They leave you feeling empty.

If you find that you get bored with people you date, even though you get along, it doesn’t mean there's anything unhealthy about the relationship. Rather there's likely something missing from the way you're thinking about dating.

That's because dating isn't about a temporary, fleeting happiness, or just about having fun. Those feelings of euphoria are hard to sustain anyway. When we go deeper, dating becomes about long-term partnership: finding someone you can get through the ups and downs of life with. Even if you're not ready to think about marriage, thinking about dating as a mutually helpful partnership can be a meaningful way to go deeper and think differently about your dating prospects.

Don’t Give Up on Dating

It can be really hard to keep a sense of faith when you're dating, if things haven’t gone so well in the past. There are so many disappointments and frustrations, and there's a lot of heartbreak along the way. I know that can be painful and upsetting, but those experiences aren't the end-all-be-all. You have plenty of time to meet other people, learn from previous experiences, and get to know someone new.

Way back in the day when I was single, I learned that I didn't have to put so much pressure on myself to be perfect or to find the perfect person when it came to dating. I came to believe that I would find someone to get to know when I was ready for it mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. My faith in God helped me remember I am always loved and cared for, whether I am in a relationship or not. My faith also assured me that God had a good plan for my life, and I could trust Him with my future relationships.

I’m not sure where you are in your spiritual journey right now. You may be struggling with having faith or with believing in God, and that’s okay. But if you’re able to open yourself up to the possibility of being loved by God, it could help when you’re feeling lonely or frustrated in your dating life.

Learn About Yourself

When relationships go south, a lot of intense feelings come to the surface for a while. That's a normal part of dating and breaking up, and it's important to find healthy ways to work through those feelings.

But once the strongest emotions calm down a bit, it could be really helpful to learn about yourself by asking yourself questions like:

• What strengths have I shown in my past and present friendships that would benefit a dating relationship?
• Do I have any hang-ups around "my type" that might be getting in the way of connecting with a great person?
• What are my goals for the future? How do I want to grow, and how can I get to know someone who will help me grow?

You can talk questions like these through with a close friend or family member, or someone else who knows you well.

If you're not sure who to talk to, or if you want a fresh perspective, we're here to help. Our HopeCoaches are here to talk through dating and relationship questions via chat or email, without judgment.

Talk to a HopeCoach today to learn how to stop making the same relationship mistakes and start dating "outside the box".

Dating is not easy and picking up the pieces of a broken heart can be tough. Here are some tips to help you move forward and get back to feeling like yourself again. 

Fighting with your boyfriend or girlfriend is stressful and upsetting. I’m sure you’d both like to do whatever you can to stop fighting and have a stronger dating relationship.

When people ask me for dating advice, they often wonder how they can avoid fighting with their partner altogether.

The truth is, conflict in relationships is unavoidable. After all, you’re two different people and you see the world in two different ways. You may also have different ways of communicating, too.

What makes you unique is also what can bring some friction in the relationship. But fighting doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed – and you don’t have to argue all the time. Here’s what I’d suggest if fighting with your girlfriend or boyfriend has become a routine.

Remember You’re in This Together

It’s always helpful to remember the real reasons conflicts tend to arise. It’s usually not because the person you’re fighting with is your enemy. After all, you’re in a relationship because there are lots of things you love about one another.

It can be helpful to remember that you’re in this together. Think about why you’re in the relationship and the gifts your partner brings to it. Remember the commitment you’ve made and let them know you want to work through things for a more peaceful, stronger relationship.

Look for Needs and Hurts

Look at fights and arguments not as attacks, but as a sign that your boyfriend or girlfriend is likely pained or frustrated by their needs not getting met. Next time they’re upset, do your best to not take their reactions personally.

Give things a moment to cool off before you respond. When you’re ready to talk, try saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re hurt and upset. What do you need from me? What can I do to avoid causing you pain in the future?” Taking a proactive approach rather than fighting back may go a long way toward diffusing the situation. The more you practice calm communication with one another, the less likely you are to fight.

Leave Room for Yourself

Sometimes fights happen because you’re tired, stressed, and in need of some alone time. It is totally normal for alone time to be part of good boundaries in a healthy relationship.

Giving yourself space to be alone is a great way to check in with yourself and your needs so that you can address them before they become an argument with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

It’s also a good way to make sure that you’re not relying on your partner to meet all your emotional and spiritual needs.

Relationships are great, but there are some needs that only God can fulfill. If you’re struggling in your faith or not sure what you believe about God, your alone time is a safe space to explore those questions, to pray, and to think about how to move forward.

Get Advice Regularly

I know that even when we have the best intentions in our relationships, we can’t avoid every fight. Unexpected things might happen (like loss, job changes, or school pressure) that put more strain on your relationship than normal. In those times, it’s healthy to seek advice regularly from a therapist and others you trust.

If you’re not sure how to navigate challenging times in your relationship, TheHopeLine is here to help. Talk to a HopeCoach anytime you need dating advice and know that we are in your corner as you grow in your relationship.

Thinking about taking your relationship to the next level? Picking the right partner for marriage is the second most important decision you'll ever make. Find out how to choose the right partner. 

Can Justin have a friendship with his ex without it affecting his current relationship? 

Justin has a really good female friend. They’ve been friends about 3 years. He loves her as a friend but is not in love with her. He’s trying to be a friend to a girl and encourage her, but his girlfriend is jealous. They had dated in the past, but that’s not happening now. Justin and his current girlfriend are talking about getting engaged. The friend relationship with his ex-girlfriend is causing issues with his current girlfriend. How can Justin be a friend and offer encouragement to his ex-girlfriend without it affecting his current relationship?

It Makes My Girlfriend Uncomfortable

How do you feel when she says I don’t want you with your ex-girlfriend at all? Justin – “She doesn’t tell me she doesn’t want me with her, because she knows what I’m doing. She knows the fact that I’m encouraging this person and I’m there for support. But I know deep down inside she gets jealous, because she [my friend] is taking my time away from her. And from time to time, it makes her uncomfortable - as it would anybody.”

Peer to Peer:

Justin is looking for some answers here. What do you say to Justin about his friend relationship causing issues with his current girlfriend? What should Justin do? Can he be a friend to his ex? Or will that friendship affect his current relationship? Yolle, Parker, Jamie, Jennifer, and Sophie all called to weigh in on Justin’s situation, several of them have been in similar situations. Here is their advice to Justin:

Consider the Type of Relationship You Have with Your Ex - Yolle

Yolle – “The advice I have for Justin is more of a series of questions and not really advice, because he should be the one to make this decision. I would like for him to consider the type of relationship he has with the ex.

• What is it about this relationship that he’s holding onto, where he feels he’s the one that can encourage the ex?
• How important is the new relationship to him?
• How can he allow the new girlfriend to trust there’s nothing serious going on with the ex?

I would like for him to consider those questions. I also encourage him to set boundaries. I understand why the new girlfriend is not comfortable with the whole thing, because as females we always wonder if there’s anything more than a friendship. She should seek God in her discomfort, knowing that her future husband is trustworthy. And Justin needs to allow God to be the one to lead him in any type of relationship that he’s going to be involved in.”

Let Go of Your Past Relationships - Parker

Parker – “I was inspired to call in tonight because I’m in a similar situation right now. What I’ve found is that sometimes you have to let go of your past relationships especially if there affecting someone you love. What you have to do is move forward with your new companion. I encourage Justin to take the path where he can allow the love with his current girlfriend, who might be his wife one day, to grow and blossom into a beautiful thing. That’s what I’ve found during my current relationship, and I’ve never been happier. Look forward, water your grass where it is right now, and it will grow to be a beautiful garden.

Direct Her to Someone Else Who Can Help Her - Jamie

Jamie – “I don’t necessarily think that she’s immature so much as it’s a new relationship and she’s wanting to marry the guy. I know from personal experience I wouldn’t want my current husband now hanging out with his ex. If he wants to be a good friend, he can direct her to a church pastor or a counselor or something if she needs that guidance. He doesn’t have to be the one giving it. Then he would still be a good friend but is also being a good soon-to-be spouse. If he’s deciding to marry this other girl, her feelings should come first to him above an ex-girlfriend.

I had an issue when I was engaged to my husband now, I had a friend who was an ex, and he wasn’t happy about it. And I said, “Well, he’s, my friend.” I was young and felt like he was here first, friends come before anything else. Then my husband, at the time was my fiancé, put his foot down and said, “It’s me or him.” And so, I really had to think about what was I holding onto? Am I going to keep him in the wings just in case? Which was not the case. I ended up deciding to go with my husband and I’ve never been happier!”

Show Your Girlfriend She Can Trust You - Jennifer

Jennifer – “Everybody has said a lot of things that were going through my mind. But one thing that I see as a female is a lot of girls don’t have good self-esteem and that’s where a lot of times those types of feelings come from…low self-esteem. If he loves her, he needs to reassure her. One of the guys said a few minutes ago, redirect your friend to either someone at the church or another girl she could lean on and talk to. If you love this woman so much that you want to marry her, then you need to show her that security. Show her why she can trust you. A lot of times you want to just say, “Just trust me, trust me.” But some people you have to show them you can trust me.”

Cut Out Meeting One-On-One with the Opposite Sex - Sophie

Sophie – “Me and my fiancé originally got engaged and we went through a similar type of situation. I had a lot of insecurity within me just from things happening. Even though I knew his heart was right in it, I didn’t necessarily know the girl very well, so it was just one of those things where it doesn’t really matter regardless. You’re both more protected when that boundary is set, such as, we both know now we are more serious, so we’ve got to cut those type of relationships out of our lives. It’s too hard to have those relationships with the opposite sex without it getting perverted. So, really creating that boundary, saying: we both equally have to be good friends with this person and maybe we both meet with them, or you have to cut that person out of your life, and stop meeting with them alone, one-on-one type of thing.”

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

You could say Justin’s girlfriend, soon to be fiancé, is being immature, but the Bible says, you who are strong bear the burdens of the weak. (Romans 15:1) When you say to this girl, I’m talking about you becoming my fiancé. Once they’ve become your fiancé, you’ve made a statement which says, I’m going down the road to decide whether or not we should get married. He does not need distractions from an old flame. Even if she is immature, you who are strong bear the burdens of the weak.

I’m Fine Letting Her Go - Justin

Justin explains, “I’m perfectly fine letting this girl go, because that’s how important my girlfriend is to me now. But I’m also an assistant youth pastor so when the person who doesn’t 100% know God, comes to talk to me all the time. And I’m the only person that she’s comfortable talking with, so trying to figure out a Biblical way to do it.”

You Who Are Strong, Bear the Burdens of the Weak

She needs to speak with a woman anyway, Justin. Pass her onto a woman and then go back to your fiancé and say to her we’re making this step. I’m going to show you that I want to be faithful to you. Here’s what I’ve done so far, but I want to show you. Even if she’s immature, you who are strong, bear the burdens of the weak.

Resources for help with Relationships:
Blog: Why Do People Get Jealous
Blog: 8 Ways of Overcoming Jealousy in Your Relationship
Blog: Dating and Marriage: Am I Ready to Get Married?
Podcast: EP 41: How to Move On From Your Ex
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.